Aug 11
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Author: mrnotso
2011 July
Jul 11
Why is it every saint story of young virgin states that she is of exceeding beauty and all desired to marry her? Nothing is ever written about more plain looking or even homely virgins. Don’t the ugly also love Jesus or are they just bitter at the way they look so they are not so keen on being martyred.
Also according to principles of natural selection all these exceedingly beautiful choosing martyrdom over marriage would me that Christians as people must have grow uglier since the early church since all the beautiful women were killed off.
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Jul 08
Your Grace,
When I tell my father of confession I have a girlfriend, he does not believe me. Not only does he not believe me but he has to stifle his laughs every time he mentions me with a girlfriend. When I confessed I kissed her, he fell off his chair weeping with laughter. Unfortunately she currently goes to school on the opposite coast, so I can not show him that she is not imaginary and I can actually get a girl. I find this damaging not only to my spiritual life but to my self-esteem. How should I proceed?
Sayedna,
I think my wife is trying to kill me. Not on purpose but I can’t eat anything she cooks. No human can nor can many animals, I’ve tried. I know she goes through the effort of cooking for me out of love, I just wish she did not love me so much. I can’t afford to take us to eat out every night and we are both only children whose parents have died so we can’t go over to family members for dinners. I try to cook as much as possible but some days I am unable to. Early on, the first time I refused to eat what she cooked she wept inconsolably and claimed I did not love her and other drama. I wish to live in a peaceful home but if I keep eating her cooking it will be a short life.
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Jul 07
Anytime anyone makes a joke or just a simple innocent comment, turn it into a spiritual sermon or diatribe. For example if some asks you to wish them luck, carry on on how the concept of luck is not Christian that those who believe in Jesus trust he will do the best for us and we trust in His grace and do not need luck. Or if some one complains on how hot the weather is, expound about it is nowhere it is as hot as hell and that instead of being out in the heat they should be in church praying for their salvation.
This is some times referred to as a Jesus Juke or being “oversaved”.
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Jul 01
Those with Bad Bosses – St. Matruna
Unfortunately Named Children – Abba Hor & Abba Fis
Innocent Men who have appeared on the Maury Show – St. Macarius of Egypt
Biblical Exegetes (or any academic) – Abba Joseph
Celebrities who avoid the Paparazzi – St. Arsenius
Cutlery Salesmen – St. Philopater Mercurius
Sororities – St. Demiana
Okay this one is rather subtle and requires knowledge of the particular saint’s life to make sense of some of them
Thanks to d&mh for the original inspiration.
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2011 June
Jun 28
Lyrics in case you could not make them out
This why any hymn or spiritual song written within the past 200 years, if not more should not be allowed into a church or any church relate event. “He’s got love on his face”, seriously?!?!?!! Sounds like the tag line from a gay porno. If I get to heaven and the angels are singing this, I’ll politely ask directions on how to get to the muslim heaven or the line for buddhist reincarnations, because that can’t be heaven. I do not worship a cool dude. Makes God sound like the Marlboro man or the Big Lebowski.
“But its a friendly fun kids song, whats the harm?” you might ask. You might be heretic and corruptor of souls. Arius spread his heresy with fun little songs like that and we all know how he ended up. Personally I’m perfectly happy where my bowels are, but if you want to play russian roulette every time you go to the bathroom, go ahead and sing it.
– Militant Copt
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Jun 22
A bit of wisdom from the motherland (these are all real and the translations are accurate)
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Jun 21
Has his tonias custom made but the same tailor who makes papal vestments.
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Jun 16
Canon 2 from the Council of Gangra
If any one shall condemn him who eats flesh, which is without blood and has not been offered to idols nor strangled, and is faithful and devout, as though the man were without hope [of salvation] because of his eating, let him be anathema.
So does this mean even though I am supposed to be fasting I can eat meat and the priest can say nothing about it?
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Jun 15
“But Peter, standing up with the eleven, raised his voice and said to them, ‘Men of Judea and all who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and heed my words. For these are not drunk, as you suppose, since it is only the third hour of the day’”
Commentary: It is clear from the passage the Christian should not start drinking prior to the third hour of the day (i.e. 9 am). What is not clear is the one who has been drinking the previous night and has not stopped okay, or should he stop drinking at the first hour of the day and start again after the third hour has passed. The other ambiguity in the text is if the injunction is one born of morality or practicality. Meaning that to wake and bake to put things in modern parlance was seen as a character flaw, or that any reputable drinking establish of those days was not open yet.
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Jun 14
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAoUjalpL2I
I’m speechless. While we can appreciate their effort; my children will not have access to a video camera and a computer.
DISCLAIMER: The management of Not So Spiritual Words is in no way responsible for that video, we don’t even know those young men. No way, no how are we taking the rap for this on Judgment Day. I mean there is a lot of stuff on this blog that’ll get me an air-conditioned suite in hell but thats not going to be one of them.
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Jun 13
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Jun 09
“Rice pudding in Egypt – you never know if it’s raisins – or flies! ”
– from “Five Graves to Cairo” 1943
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Jun 08
Coptic News Network Breaking Story
A gansta rap style East Coast/West Coast turf war has broken out between two churches, St. Matthew’s in Oregon and St. Pavle & St. George in New York. The main protagonists of this turf war are priests of the respective churches, Fr. Damian of the former and Fr. Arsenius of the later. The bone of contention between these two priests are concurrent book fairs each church is running. Despite being on opposite coasts apparently there was friction between the two.
Fr. Damian was surprised and somewhat dismayed when his well advertised book fair had little turn out, when inquiring of congregants whom he was sure would have come. He was shocked to hear many had actually bought books from Fr. Arsenius’ book fair. So he took the logical step of slashing prices sometimes to cost or below to entice people to come. Fr. Arsenius when he heard news of this was outraged, he claimed that this will damage the church reputation with publishers and distributors.
Things took a turn for the ugly when a group of shock trooper deacons stormed the St. Matthew book fair while in chanting “Iudas” over turning tables, rearrange books into the wrong categories and stealing Fr. Damian’s ema. As quickly as they appeared they left leaving chaos in their wake. Fr. Damian was left stunned but quickly pointing the finger at St. Pavle & St. George. When asked how did he know it was them. He responded the lead deacon was horribly off key. Fr. Arsenius denies any knowledge of the attack and when he confronted about the positive identification of his head deacon. He dismissively replied that you can not find a Coptic church where half the deacons were off key, if not just baying like injured wolves.
thanx to m.h. for the idea
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Jun 06
Coptic iconography forever!! (Though we can accept and appreciate iconography from other Orthodox jurisdictions)
You can keep your modern christian art. It is does not to enhance the faith and actually it is once step above idolatry. You are not portraying a spiritual reality but how you would like to picture things or how you imagine it. Not to mention most of it is utter crap. If I dipped a cat in paint and threw it at a canvas, I would create more uplifting art.
Case in point the “Jesus with you always” series. Not only are they not spiritually uplifting and edifying but they are down right creepy. Take a look at the drawings titled Student and Truck Driver. That Jesus is not the King of Glory son of God who I wish to fall down and worship. That is stalker Christ who I’d call the cops on and get a restraining order against. I thank God for being Orthodox and not having to ever see those pictures in a church, it would be enough to cause me to be an atheist for I will not worship a creepy stalker.
You may say they are nice pictures. I would say to you, you are idolator. If the iconodules had seens these they would stone you and burn them and join the iconoclasts in destroying these “religious” images.
Icons Rule!!
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2011 May
May 31
Theoretically speaking of course, but if one has blackmail information on a member(s) of the clergy and uses it to obtain an absolution from various fasts like the upcoming Apostle’s fast for example; is it truly wrong? You are in a manner of speaking covering your brothers sin.
And more importantly is this actionable under the law? Does it meet the legal requirements for extortion since there is no financial gain whether in goods or services? Also is there any actionable fiduciary breach?
P.S. Again hypothetically speaking of course, if there were such priests for whom I had in theory information on, I would be theoretically be waiting for a phone call. Just speaking abstractly, you know who you are.
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May 30
Fr. Onophrious, priest of St. Macarius and St. Barbara Church, disappeared suddenly last Saturday and no one has heard from him since. His family has gone into hiding and no one has been able to reach them for any Many congregants are speculating he was kidnapped by muslims. Other were saying that tasoni had left him. Others were claiming he was recalled to Egypt for teaching heresy or he stole the churches money. Yet others thought it was abouna’s vacation and weren’t concerned. Disturbingly there was a small yet vocal group that were carrying on about abouna being taken up by angels or aliens, most then claiming to have been witnesses.
In a Coptic News Network exclusive scoop, we managed to track down the babysitter for Fr. Onophrious’ 3 year old son. As the priest had an afternoon nap before going to the church for vespers, his son got a hold of a pair of scissor and mutilated the priest’s beard as he slept. By the time he awoke, it was too late to salvage his beard and he was forced to shave it all off. In embarassment and shame is in hiding until it grows back.
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May 27
…why Priests hold a cross next to their face in portrait pictures?
Not to look cool or some great piety. It is so they would not be mistaken for muslim sheikhs, mullahs or even terrorists. Cover up the cross and you will see it is true, especially with the one that have scant or thin mustaches. Seriously if I didn’t know that that some of the reverend fathers were Christian priests I’d be calling Homeland Security on them. It does not help that Iranian mullahs have hats that resemble a priest’s emma.
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May 26
In light of the huge success of Coptic Pick-up Lines posts, we at NSSW have decide to come up with Coptic rejection lines to use on inferior pick up lines.
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May 25
The Inquisitor: This person asks questions. Alot of questions, knowing the answer to most of them. He does this to try and trap you and to see whether or not you are a heretic. Never quite convinced of your Orthodoxy despite your ability to satisfactorily answering the questions. Such individuals fancy themselves great defenders of the faith, mostly men who think this attractive to women.
The Chronically Amazed: Such a person is constantly expressing amazement at each new revelation you bestow upon them. Such facts like the reason we fast Fridays is to remember Christ’s crucifixion or that Luke actually wrote both the Gospel and the book of Acts and other such facts you believe to be rather common knowledge. Sadly such people are not recent converts or young children which this is expect of but rather people you have seen in church their entire lives, yet some how they managed to be unsullied by any sort of knowledge.
The Ortho-Protestant: Some how every time this person asks a question it happens to be about a point of protestant theology which this person insists is orthodox theology. Questions like “What happens to our bodies between when we are raptured and judgment day?” or “How do we know we are among the predestined for salvation?” etc. Which is extremely disconcerting because like the aforementioned group, you have seen them in church their entire lives. Its as if someone slipped them a book by Luther or Calvin and told them it was a text book of Orthodoxy.
The Closet Uniate: Same as the Ortho-Protestant but in regards to Catholic theology.
The Echo: For every point you have this person will chime in with his own take on what is being discussed, sometimes repeating exactly what you said. Sometimes they will interject with some thing that has nothing to do with the topic at hand. Their comments have no redeeming value to them. For example while speaking about prayer the echo will interject wit “when you pray you are speaking with God” and then follow minutes later with “God listens to us when we pray” et c..
The Crash Test Dummy: Emphasis on the dummy. They are bodies taking space up in chairs. For a normal human being, it takes serious effort to not pay any attention nor have any information seep into your head, like it does with them. If asked why they are there, they have no answer nor know why they’re there. Sometimes they wander in just looking for somewhere to sit. The percentage of them in any group rises in direct proportion to the amount of food after the meeting.
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May 24
Tired of being told “o’balik” [i.e. may you be next] at weddings or asked when are you getting married, just reply “I would love to get marry as soon as possible but the Church will not marry me and my boyfriend/girlfriend (choose the same gender equivalent)”
This get them to stop asking you but may cause a whole host of other questions.
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May 23
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May 21
May 21, 2011 6:00pm EST has come and gone. I called all the servants and Sunday School children under my care and every one of them is still here. Good thing we do not accept the rapture because it would be pretty embarrassing otherwise that all of them are still here.
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May 20
I know for the majority of Copts, English is a second language. Shockingly though I find that actually many American born Copts do not know the difference between an adjective and a noun or how to use them in a sentence. To be fair it is with only one word and its adjectival form, but it should the most important word(s) in their vocabulary. It is the word Copt (and Coptic).
Copt is a noun, Coptic is an adjective. Use them as such! You can say “I am a Copt” or “I am Coptic”; but to say “I am a Coptic”, you show yourself ignorant of a language you speak everyday. I bet you are ignorant of the teachings and histories of the Coptic Church whose deep teachings and intelligent saints have saved the Christian world from heresy on several occasions, as well. But you bring shame to that legacy by not knowing how to use simple parts of speech, something one learns in the first grade. You don’t say “I am a blue” so why do you insist on saying “I am a Coptic” or even better yet using it in the plural, “There are a lot of Coptics here”. Aaargh! Do yourself and us a favor and go join some Pentecostal speaking in tongues group because at least then you will not have to worry about your bad grammar bringing shame upon you and your Coptic ancestors (see here it is adjective modifying ancestor, to say “Copt ancestors” would be stupidity.)
We, Copts (not Coptics), did not survive countless persecutions for 2000 years with our heads high, only to be brought low by your ignorance of simple grammar. A church with a legacy of the greatest theologians and you, their spiritual successor, can not even form a simple sentence. We must be truly in the end times.
Though if we were in the motherland and speaking our true tongue this would not be an issue, so the reason we are suffering the scourge of bad grammar amongst our people is the fault of the Muslims who tried to stamp out use of our beautiful language and forced us to flee to foreign lands to learn strange languages.
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May 20
Kicking and screaming we are being dragged into the 21st century.
You can now follow us on Twitter as NotSoSpiritual .
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2010 October
Oct 18
Your Holiness,
Can we please stop the production of Saint movies? Because of them I am in serious danger of losing my faith. It gives the worst image possible of the church and the idea of venerating the saints. I’m now thinking monks in the early church were retarded based on these movies? Having seen St. Hilaria, yet none noticed she was a woman even with the the swell of her bosom apparent under he monks robe. Or the various historical inaccuracies with interior shots of churches with icons of saints who hadn’t been born yet during the period of the film. Or there are characters wearing a kolonssia despite the movie taking place before the time of St. Antony. Or the costumes, where every angel I have seen looks like a refuge from a gay pride parade dressed in bright fluorescent or pastel colors and wearing blond wigs. Also can the actors grow beards because cotton glued to the face isn’t all that convincing. I doubt everyone back then was wearing shiny satin in day-glo colors. Or the over the top acting, and in many of them the actor playing the saint is so smug that its put me off of the saint. Its bad, your holiness, when watching a saint movie, you can’t wait until they are martyred/die so the movie can be over. I ask that the production of these movies stop or maybe send people to Hollywood or a real film school to get some training before making another movie?
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Oct 14
An advice column for all things Coptic Orthodox those lukewarm sinners who will be vomited out of the mouth of Christ come Judgment Day.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
I know the chicken did not cross the road to get to church to partake of the Holy Sacraments, because chickens have no spirits so baptism to them is of no use. Thus they are unable to become Christian and partake of the blessed sacraments. And if there is any priest who would baptize a chicken he should be defrocked, excommunicated and stoned publicly (not sure the canons allow for that but they should.)
Also why should one should care if a chicken is crossing a road unless he is chasing it. Why are you chasing a chicken. The only reason would be to eat it or use it for eggs to eat. Since we fast 200+ days a year, chances are you are breaking the fast with you gluttonous desires. And if you claim you are not going to eat it then you must be planning to use it for some other sinful reasons. Stop it! You hould not desire the chicken nor even notice the chicken is there, for the chicken is Satan trying to lead you and others across the road with him into eternal damnation. The fathers speak of the unrepentent being the Lord’s chickens.
So for the sake of your salvation, stop chasing chickens. You should be spending that time in prayers and prostrations.
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Oct 13
“Give strong drink to him who is perishing, And wine to those who are bitter of heart. Let him drink and forget his poverty, And remember his misery no more. ” Proverbs 31:6,7
Interpretation: Life sucks? Drink up. Its biblical. The Egyptian proverb of “Drink and forget” turns out to be a biblical command.
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Oct 12
Your Grace,
Is the purpose of striving for unity with other churches is to increase the pool of hot chicks we can choose from?
(thanx j.g. for idea)
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Oct 11
You might be a Saidi (Upper Eyptian) if…
Your favorite games involve physical violence.
You have been beaten and/or have beaten someone with a schooma.
You know what a schooma is.
You hold a grudge for a really really really long time , no seriously, a really long time like for generations.
You eat things with names like shlaulau.
You have an instinctual dislke of Alexandrians.
Watching westerns like Tombstone, remind you (or your parents) of the town they grew up in.
You think vendetta is a reasonable way to settle disagreements.
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2010 June
Jun 02
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2010 May
May 25
But a certain man named Ananias, with Sapphira his wife, sold a possession. And he kept back part of the proceeds, his wife also being aware of it, and brought a certain part and laid it at the apostles’ feet. But Peter said, “Ananias, why has Satan filled your heart to lie to the Holy Spirit and keep back part of the price of the land for yourself? While it remained, was it not your own? And after it was sold, was it not in your own control? Why have you conceived this thing in your heart? You have not lied to men but to God.” Then Ananias, hearing these words, fell down and breathed his last. So great fear came upon all those who heard these things. And the young men arose and wrapped him up, carried him out, and buried him. Now it was about three hours later when his wife came in, not knowing what had happened. And Peter answered her, “Tell me whether you sold the land for so much?” She said, “Yes, for so much.” Then Peter said to her, “How is it that you have agreed together to test the Spirit of the Lord? Look, the feet of those who have buried your husband are at the door, and they will carry you out.” Then immediately she fell down at his feet and breathed her last. And the young men came in and found her dead, and carrying her out, buried her by her husband. (Acts 5:1-10)
Interpretation: This is clear biblical precedent of income tax audits. It shows St. Peter scrutinizing the income reported by Ananias and Sapphira. The ran afoul of God not in having the land or selling it and keeping the money but rather when they lied on how much they made on the sale. As a result of falsifying the amount of income on the sale, they were assessed a penalty, in this case death. Thankfully God has not given the power of life and death to the IRS.
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2010 March
Mar 05
Why do we attract the crazies? Its not as if there are not enough home grown nuts in the Coptic Church.
The Manifesto of the Newest Copt
Not sure why he wants to become a Coptic priest in the worse way?
Ssicvrith expounds on why he wants to be a Copt.
(plenty more vids of him on his youtube channel and various websites)
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2009 October
Oct 02
(Not sure if it works the other way around. Any ladies who try please let us know)
“When [Macarius] grew up his father forced him to get married against his will, so he pretended that he was sick for several days. Then he asked his father if he might go to the wilderness to relax and that may make him recover from his illness speedily. He went to the wilderness and prayed to the Lord Christ to direct him to do what is pleasing to Him. … When he returned from the wilderness he found that his wife, who was still virgin, had died, and Macarius thanked the Lord Christ.”
– Synaxarium 27th of Baramhat
One way around the the no divorce rule.
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Oct 01
“Fava beans are high in L-Dopa…Some also use fava beans as a natural alternative to drugs like Viagra, citing a link between L-dopa production and the human libido.”
Explains quite a bit about large family sizes among Egyptians. Also apparently by fasting we are actually increasing the lustful temptations and not decreasing them. So for the sake of our purity and spiritual well being we should lobby the Synod to ban fasts. Do we not pray in the “Our Father” lead us not into temptation; but thats what we do everytime we have foul mamdames, tamiya, bisara, nabet and the 100s of other fava bean products we during the fast. Each plate is a plate of lust.
Say no to temptation, say no to fasting.
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2009 September
Sep 28
Boutros Estaphanous has sent an official letter to Patriarchate renouncing his faith. Not only is he renouncing his affiliation with the Coptic Orthodox Church but abandoning belief in any sort of God. The reason he sates in the notarized letter was saint movies. The very same movies the churh produces for the edification of the people. He states that after a saint movie marathon that was inflicted upon him by his grandmother, who he went to visit and that is all she watches. After the marathon, he was sre there was no God. How can a loving God allow such things to be made and inflicted upon the believer. He states n his letter its a combination of bad, acting, horrible writing, disturbing costumes and cheesy special effects. He then list individual incidents which lead to his loss of faith. It start with one movie where the actor playing the saint was so obnoxious, he started to the dislike the actual saint and was rooting for the Roman governor. Then there is one actress which he was convinced was either mentally ill or clinically insane because she plays the same crazy possessed lady character in every movie she was in. Every angel was dressed as a refugee from a drag review in satin pastels and long blond wigs. A demon in one movie was a Sesame Street Oscar the Grouch doll dyed black. By the end he was hope the saint would die already so the movie could be over. He continued on with his list of grievances for 10 pages. When asked for an official response to Mr. Estaphanous’ loss of faith, none was given but one staff member off the record couldn’t understand how anyone could hate those movies.
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Sep 25
Jenkem Boy final worked up the nerve to to return to the service after his last tragic attempt to teach Sunday School, where he and Captain Coptic would have been boiled alive in candle wax if not for the appearance of Bohairic Girl to save them. To added insult to injury, he found out being martyred by your own Sunday School was not an event worthy of a Synaxarium entry; which thought was unfair considering there is six pages dedicated to a solar eclipse.
Jenkem Boy was extremely nervous. This time Captain Coptic and Bohairic Girl were not around to rescue him if things went bad. But he managed to get himself placed in a class without any of abouna’s sons, since they were the ringleaders behind the plot to make him a modern day martyr, and in a class of kindergartners, who he thought would be nice and innocent. Owing to his busy schedule as a superhero sidekick, he did not have a chance to look at a the curriculum book but thought to himself how tough can it be to tell a story to little kids. Then again Custer thought how tough can a group of indians be. So Jenkem Boy looked to the lesson of the day and found it to be about the death of Arius. “Death of Arius??!!” he puzzled. He first check the the curriculum book to make sure it was the right one. Sure enough it was the Kindergarten curriculum. “This has to be a mistake”, he thought as he went to find the head of Sunday School.
“Uncle, I have a problem.”, Jenkem Boy stated.
“Have the kids tried to kill you again?” asked the Head of Sunday School incredulously.
“No, thank God. I just don’t think the lesson on the death of Arius is appropriate for little children.”
“See your problem is that you think. A servant does, he does not waste time thinking but is active doing God’s work.” stated the Head of Sunday School, as a matter of fact.
“But Uncle the death of Arius might not ..” The head of sunday interrupted angrily exclaiming, “But nothing! Do you know more than His Holiness and all the bishops of the church, the successors of the apostles chosen by God. These blessed and learned men have approved the curriculum and think it is good for the proper spiritual growth of the children!”
Jenkem Boy muttered under his breath “But the pope and bishops aren’t infallible.” Though not quite quietly enough because the Head of Sunday School, a man of clear thinking not cluttered by facts, looked at him angrily and said, “So you are saying the Holy Spirit is not guiding the Synod?! Eh?!”
Realizing he was going nowhere fast reluctantly apologized, “I’m sorry, the Devil made me think. I won’t let it happen again. I will go teach the lesson now.” As he trudged to the class, head held low, he uttered a silently prayer to God, “Please Lord send the Holy Spirit to enlighten my mind and speak on my tongue to guide those who You have entrusted to me or strike me dead now. Personally I’d rather be struck dead. Amen.” As he turn the door knob to the class room and found himself still breathing sighed, “Why God have you forsaken me”, and entered the class. When he entered the room he found it filled with bright eager faces, he thought this may actually work, thank God.
“Hi kids, today I’m going to tell you all of the story of Arius. Do you all know who Arius is?” All the kids shook their head attentively waiting for more. This gave Jenkem Boy hope, maybe God has answered his prayers. He started “Arius was a bad man.” Immediately a hand shot up. “Yes, Mina.” A little voice asked, “Was he muslim?”
“No, Mina”
“Are you sure, Uncle.”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Because my dad says all muslims are bad. So if Arius is bad, he must be a muslim.”
“No, Mina. Arius was not muslim. Actually he was an abouna.” A collective gasp went out from the class, their eyes wide with shock. Another little hand tentatively went up. “Yes, Mina.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Not you, the other Mina.”
“Who me?”
“No not you, the Mina with his hand raised.”
“Uncle is abouna muslim?”
“No, abouna is a Christian.”
“But you said he was a bad man and Mina’s dad says all muslims are bad.”
“Abouna is a good man.” Jenkem Boy said starting to get frustrated.
” If Arius was a bad man and an abouna, then the abounas have to be bad.”
“You know what, Arius was a fake abouna!” Jenkem Boy thinking this will quell further controversy. It was much like eating fiseekh for an upset stomach.
“So he was wearing a fake beard and costume like I did in the christmas skit” piped up a fourth Mina. Parents really need to be more creative with names thought Jenkem Boy.
“No he had a real beard.” Jenkem boy said but realized it was a mistake the minute it left his lips.
“Then he has to be muslim because they have beards and are bad. But how can he be an abouna, even a fake one, because muslims don’t have abounas?” exclaimed maybe the only boy not named Mina or Kyrillous in the class.
Jenkem Boy slowly felt his grip on sanity slipping as he fervently utter his silent pray that God strike him dead immediately. In a last ditch effort to maintain control “Arius was a fake abouna who had a real beard to trick people to think he was a real abouna and not a muslim!” The class all nodded their heads satisfied with this explanation. Jenkem Boy let out a deep breath, not sure if what came out of his mouth was divine inspiration or the last bits of his sanity. So Jenkem Boy continued, “Arius was a bad man because hes said bad things about Jesus.”
“Did he call Jesus a poopy-head?” shout a voice from the back. Before Jenkem Boy could respond, the class started laughing and chiming in with all sorts of names Arius should have called Jesus like monkey-butt, stinky feet, and others that Jenkem Boy was sure that if St. Athansius was alive he would have the entire class taken to the city gates and stoned to death.
“No! No! No! Everyone quiet and I’ll tell you what Arius said about Jesus.” Jenkem Boy shouted. The class went silent in anticipation of learning a new insult they could use. “He said that Jesus was different from His Father” stated the now frazzled Jenkem Boy. The class was disappointed, this was not the super insult they expected. A little girl raised her hand and asked “Whats wrong with that? I’m different than my dad. He’s a boy and I’m a girl.” One of the many Minas, Jenkem Boy stopped caring which one, added “My dad has a moustache and I don’t have one.” They all looked at each nodding in agreement. Then the boy not named Mina asked, “Are you sure arius was a bad man, because that don’t sound so bad.”
“Crap” thought Jenkem Boy, “I’ve just created a generation of arians.” To fix the situation he quickly added “And Arius said Jesus was a dum-dum.” This seem to satisfy the class to evil of Arius. Deciding to cut his loses and end the lesson already he concluded “Because Arius said bad things about Jesus, he got a tummyache and when he went to the bathroom and died.” The boys all laughed, thought that was the coolest thing God ever did and decide to try and trick their siblings into saying something bad about Jesus before they go to the bathroom. Then one girl started to cry. Jenkem Boy started to panic. This isn’t the type of emergency, they teach you to deal with in superhero sidekick seminary school. Heretical hyperintelligent mutant monkeys, no problem. A crying little girl, on the other hand, no good. It was enough to make him want to curl up in a fetal position and weep himself. But he held back to retain what little dignity he had left. “Whats wrong?” He asked not really wanting to know the answer but felt it was the appropriate thing to do.
“My tummy hurts and I don’t wanna die when I go to the bathroom!” she sobbed.
“Did you say something bad about Jesus?”
“No”
“Then you’re safe only bad people who say bad things about Jesus die in bathrooms” he replied hoping this logic makes sense to her. She stopped crying but did not look a hundred percent convinced. Jenkem Boy decided to cut his loses and hope in the children’s short attention spans. He decided to have the class repeat after him “God is Love” for the next 10 minutes.
“So what did everyone learn?” Jenkem Boy asked with bated breath.
In one voice they all said “God is Love” Jenkem Boy thanked God and thought he dodged a bullet until one boy decided to add “And that muslim abounas with fake beards should not go to the bathrooms.”
“God why must You mock me?” wailed Jenkem Boy, as he wonder why he wanted to teach Sunday School again.
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Sep 22
These questions should be burned and the person who wrote them needs serious help. These are a result of a diseased mind.
Are you serious? These cannot be real questions. Please tell me they are not real questions.
Is the person who wrote these a member of my diocese? No. Thank God.
<Shook head in disgust and said nothing>
Disclaimer: All responses are real. Identities of bishops are kept confidential to protect the innocent (i.e. me)
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Sep 21
“After her death, her mistress, because she feared that the authorities would hold her accountable for her blood, took St. Matruna to the top of her house and threw her down so that it would be said that she had fallen by accident. She was accursed by God, her feet slipped and she fell down, died and went to Hell.”
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Sep 02
If nuns are the brdes of Christ, does that make Jesus a polygamist?
– anonymous
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Not So Spiritual Words 
