This song actually makes me not want to go to church. Ever!
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“You girls who wear crosses, you know who you are, you wear the cross and have it nestle there in your cleavage. That’s not fair making me choose like that. You know I’m going to end up choosing the devil every time.”
-Brian Posehn
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Are you finding it hard to fast. Praying the Agpeya 7 times a day, 8 times too many? With a single prostration you risk a cardiac episode? That holy oil burns when it touches your skin? Or that korban cause you all sorts of gastric issues?
Its not your fault. It could be your parents. They could have stack the deck against you by making you a sin baby. Whats a sin baby, you ask? A child that was conceived during a fast, when married couples are supposed to refrain from conjugal relations.
How can you tell if you are the demonic spawn of an illicit tryst? With NotSo Industries Sin Baby Calculator App!! New and improved version 2.0 has an offset you can manually enter for premature births. Just enter your birth date and it calculates whether you were conceived in the clear or screwed for eternity. It takes into account all the vagrities of the Coptic calendar and its correlation to the Gregorian calendar, so rest assured of its accuracy.
(as an aside, you’ll see a statistically non-random distribution of birthdays of Copts correlating to periods 9 months after inter-fast periods)
Thanks to F.H.W. for the idea
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A fun game to play during any fasting period is Siyam Russian Roulette. At a gathering of friends or any pot luck prepare a food that resembles a non-fasting food item like soy kofta or other such culinary mockeries. In the midst of them hide a full on non-fasting version in the midst. Watch as your hapless victims eats it and has the recognition of something is not quite right has just happened. Even better is watching them deal the sudden gastric distress that occurs with the sudden ingestion of animal fat and protein.
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This is an example of why we don’t rely on Google Translate for liturgical texts. (Though some recent changes make about the same amount of sense)
I’d be willing to pony up a few bucks though to hear a liturgy completely translated by Google Translate actually prayed.
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Apparently this past Saturday for a few hours while His Holiness was in transit to Egypt there were rumors flying about that he had passed away. The confusion arose when someone missed the fact that the word departed more often means “To travel from or leave a location” than to “pass on from this world”. Sad but true.
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By Deacon 5
(to the tune of “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5)
Just shoot for the mic
If it feels right
And aim for my spot
If you feel like
And take it away and sing it OK
I swear I’ll behave
You wanted control
So we waited
I put on a show
Now I lead it
You say I’m a kid
My ego is big
I don’t give a crap
And it goes like this
[Chorus:]
See me in the tonia
And I’ll know you
Hear me ’til you’re deaf
And I’ll show you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I don’t need to try to control you
Hear me on the mic and I’ll own you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
[Verse 2:]
Maybe it’s hard
When you feel like you’re nasal and raspy
Nothing sounds right
But when you’re with me
I’ll make you believe
That I can sing on key
Oh
So stand in the front
We can sing it
Wherever you want
Get inside it
And you want to lead
But I’m shifting tunes
I’ll take it from here (Oh! Yeah yeah!)
And it goes like this (Uh)
[Chorus:]
See me in the tonia
And I’ll know you
Hear me ’til you’re deaf
And I’ll show you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I don’t need to try to control you
Hear me on the mic and I’ll own you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
[Bridge:]
You wanna know how to make me smile
Take control, own the mic just for the mass
And if I share my secret
You’re gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this
So hear and learn
I won’t play it twice
Head to toe, oooh just bang the def right
But if I share my secret
You’re gonna have to keep it
Nobody else can see this (Ay! Ay! Ay! Aaay!)
And it goes like this
[Chorus:]
See me in the tonia
And I’ll know you
Hear me ’til you’re deaf
And I’ll show you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I don’t need to try to control you
Hear me on the mic and I’ll own you
All the haz’zat like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
I play the def like Ayad
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I have run into guys on street corners asking if I accepted Jesus Christ as my personal savior and won’t leave me alone when I answer yes. Even after I show them my cross, explain to them how I am deacon and Sunday School teacher within my Church and try to explain a whole bunch of things to try to prove to them I have accepted Jesus as my savior, stopping short of reciting the Nicene creed to them and showing them a copy of my baptismal certificate. Insisting I recite some prayer with them insisting that these few lines are more important that all I have gone through explaining to them. Making me wish when I was asked to have either replied Hail Satan and asked if they wished to partake of some unbaptised baby blood with me or start chanting Allahu Akbar and then start ulalating. It enough to make want to start field testing .308 and .30-06 to see which is the more accurate round.
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On whatever social media you are a part of post the most random and utterly meaningless without context bible verses. For example
“When he had gone out, Eglon’s servants came to look, and to their surprise, the doors of the upper room were locked. So they said, “He is probably attending to his needs in the cool chamber.” Judges 3:24
or
“And there went up with him both chariots and horsemen, and it was a very great gathering.” Genesis 50:9
et c.
For bonus points, reply or comment on such ridiculous verses someone else posts as if they were utterly life changing.
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When you read the Synaxarion there are several stories of angels appearing to saints rebuking them saying “Why are you waiting here? Go to ___ and confess Jesus Christ is Lord where you will be martyred.” or similar wording. That is a little disconcerting to be standing around praying then getting a message to go martyr yourself (that’s why I don’t stand around praying). Or was it a result of these saints having too much free time so God decided to fill it for them.
Though I see it as a very effective means of getting rid of annoying neighbors or family members, during the ages of martyrdom. Just show up in the middle of the night dressed like an angel and tell them to go off and get martyred. You no longer have an annoying neighbor (or family member) and he get the crown of martyrdom. Its a win-win for all involved.
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Coptic News Brief
Local congregant, Mina M. Mina, unaware of how the Coptic leap shifted the date of the Feasts of the Theophany, was rather upset when he found out his mother did not make the traditional ‘ol’ass (colcassia) today on the 19th of January. When he inquired of his mother, with whom he still lives with despite being 45 years old, she told him the feast day was tomorrow. Mina thought his mother was making an excuse not to cook the dish and desired to see him wake up without a head*. Despite the fact that Mina went to church for services the night before and found it locked. He assumed that for security reasons they finished church early. It took his mother showing him each of the dozen church calendars they recieve in the mail to convince him the feast is tomorrow.
* For the unaware there is an Egyptian saying “He who does not ‘ol’ass on the Theophany will wake up with out a head” (it rhymes in Egyptian Arabic)
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Your Grace,
Is kissing is fast friendly? I’m speaking more so in terms of dietary terms. Occasionally when kissing there maybe an unintentional exchange and ingestion of saliva; so is that considered eating an animal product. Seeing biologically speaking we animals and we produce said saliva, would this be akin to drinking milk during the fast?
Sayedna,
If you pray the Prayers of Anointing Kings (an actual rite) on me, can I then legally claim the title? I think it would help in this job market to have on my resume that I am royalty or at the very least get me into a celebrity party or two. So when can you do this or can I have my priest do it.
Your Grace,
How many times should I let a child that is running unattended up and down the aisle during liturgy before its okay to trip them? If the parent is just meekly following the child as they do laps around the church can I trip them as well?
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taken from the Pithless Thoughts blog by Steve Robinson
(more things like that can be found on his blog and book Orthographs )
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It is decreed that among the clergy, presbyters and deacons who abstain from flesh shall taste of it, and afterwards, if they shall so please, may abstain. But if they disdain it, and will not even eat herbs served with flesh, but disobey the canon, let them be removed from their order.
– Canon 14 from the Council of Ancyra
Apparently priests and deacons can choose whether or not to eat meat but to refuse vegetables that are cooked with the meat will get them removed from the priesthood. Take that vegans by choice, see your life style is unholy. Most of all by refusing to eat of bacon that which separates us from the Jew and Muslim is a denial of the grace of God.
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* Be proud if you got the geeky reference.
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The greatest evil to befall the Coptic Orthodox church is not the Melitan Schism nor the the scourge of the Arian and Nestorian heresies nor is it the persecutions after the Chalcedonian Schism nor is it even the Islamic invasion and conquest of Egypt and all the woes that have befallen since. Also the evil of the secularism of the the modern day and the happy clappy christian syncretism that is slowly creeping in due to ignorance of God’s people both pale in comparison to this evil inflicted upon the Coptic Orthodox church.
This evil is PHOTOSHOP!!! How many more pious atrocities must the faithful Copt endure. We were silent when St. Mary floating over a field of flowers was made. We were silent when saint icon cut and paste group photos were created. We were silent when St. George on a rainbow background with a Jesus head shooting laser beams from it floats above him (I actually have said picture). No more will we hold our tongue saying to ourselves “aesthetic tastes are relative and some people may like them and be edified by them”. Who can be edified by a tote back with a light saber wielding Philopater Mercurius with day-glo lightening shooting out of him iron-on on it?! How long O Lord will the true iconodule Copt suffer? If the iconoclasts still lived they would mock us to scorn.
Rise up and destroy these images which are idols to bad taste. If you see your brother create such images smash his laptop lest he fall deeper into his sin. Or at the very least have an intervention with a graphic designer not educated in the middle east. Stop this cancer before more pious atrocities, these hate crimes against aesthetics, are inflicted by the faithful. Stop it now before these same people learn of Adobe After Effect then even our movies (as bad as they are will become worse)
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A quick tutorial for those budding psalmist on how to write a mediha, those long odes usually sung during communion or various feast days.
– Always choose rhyme over reason
– Throw in random Coptic words or phrase
– If writing in Arabic; bonus points for using Arabic terms heavily present in muslim texts (eg: ra7man, tawwaab, 3′afoour, shareef)
– If writing in English, bonus points for using vaguely Protestant sounding phrases (e.g. justified by His blood, Millenial reign etc )
– Extra bonus points for anti-semitic remarks (both Jewish and Arab)
– Strike the fear of God in the faithful by focusing on the horrors of hell. (Feel free to meditate, exaggerate and embellish on what will happen to the unfaithful)
– Place your name or a hint about yourself towards the ending as a sinner asking for everyone’s prayers
– If in doubt about the length add another 20 verses
Thanks to F.H.W. for this one
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Are you a really tall priest who serves with a shorter senior priest and find yourself when even kneeling you must hunch over during liturgy just to be able to reach the altar? Or are you a very short priest that serves with a taller senior priest and find yourself having to stand on the back of a deacon just to reach the altar? Or are you a deacon whose priest stands on his back to reach the altar? Stop your wailing and gnashing of teeth, your prayers have been answered (or at least one)….
NotSo Industries introduce the Adjusto-Heighto-Matic Altar!!! Our patent pending design has the finest Italian marble altar top rest on series of solid state piezo-electric step servo controlled hydraulic actuators; that smoothly and quickly adjust to a height comfortable for any celebrant be he St. John the Short or one of the Four Tall Brothers. This is not one of those cheap Chinese knockoff adjustable altars you find in protestant churches but this is made by the finest of craftsmen from the deserts of Scetis. Gauranteed never to suddenly rise and launch the altar vessels into the air.
Order now and we’ll have our staff Bishop pre-consecrate your altar at no extra cost. Or if you desire to do it yourself we will thrown in a free vial of the Holy Chrism for the consecration.
Be one of the first 100 callers and we’ll throw a Pope Kyrillos VI on a Rainbow Background T-shirt for free. Call us at 1-800-COPTSA1
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There is a man who while his name is unknown and has a massive positive impact on the fasts of Orthodox Christians across the country. His work bring a subtle sublime joy to our communal worship not unlike a grace of the Holy Spirit. His work brings a healing touch to those who suffer during the fasts. Among themselves monks and members of the Synod have spoke with great enthusiasm to each of his work and recommend it to each. With the fruits of his labor it lessens certain distractions from within and without which allow us to enter into deeper spirituality. He truly is a defender of the fast.
This man is the inventor of Beano.
Its a shame the Orthodox church does not have a formal canonization process but if enough people venerate him, he could be accept as a saint by popular acclaim. Axios, axios, axios Mr. Beano.
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Now the LORD came and stood and called as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel answered, “Speak, for Your servant hears.” Then the LORD said to Samuel: “Behold, I will do something in Israel at which both ears of everyone who hears it will tingle. In that day I will perform against Eli all that I have spoken concerning his house, from beginning to end. For I have told him that I will judge his house forever for the iniquity which he knows, because his sons made themselves vile, and he did not restrain them. And therefore I have sworn to the house of Eli that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be atoned for by sacrifice or offering forever.”
– 1 Samuel 3:10-15
Commentary: Biblical proof of the phenomenon, known as Priest’s Kid (PK) Syndrome. It is affliction where the child of clergy are the worst behaved. Though not limited to the children of clergy but also high ranking servants.
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Repent the end is near. Would that I have died before I saw these days pass. The Coptic Church under the auspicious of CYC tv have decided to enter into the reality tv show business.
My God my God why have you forsaken us. Were the saint movies not enough. Lord God why must you visit these afflictions upon your people. Before you know there will be Mu’allem Idol, the Bachelor with a candidate for the priesthood looking for his tasoni, Are you smarter than a Sunday School Teacher (which sadly doesn’t seem too Tough these days) or the Shoubra Shore with a bunch Egy highschoolers hanging out on the banks of the Hudson river. O Lord behold our affliction our adversary of bad pop culture has overcome us. Save us for the decent program is no more.
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Name your son, Diocletian, so the other Sunday School kids will be afraid of him and not pick on him.
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Go around pointing out the non-fasting ingredients in foods or meals considered fast safe. For maximum effect do it while a member of clergy is present. Also if encountering foods you don’t care for, just make things up things that are non-fasting about it.
Disclaimer: Not responsible for any physical injury that may occur to you as a result of this, or the fact you may die friendless and alone.
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If they are doing a lot of community service, especially in the hundreds of hours, it does not mean they are a humanitarian.
– paraphrase from Jeanne Robertson
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Apparently there is a ministry out there call E5Men, based on Ephesians 5. It is where men would dedicate a special fast for their wives.
A misguided but well meaning man tried to recruit the Militant Copt for this group. The Militant Copt had to explain kindly that such a ministry was doomed for failure in the Coptic Church. First we don’t have enough free non-fasting days, so to ask me to eat only bread and water at least one day a month if not more on top of 230+ days we fast, especially in a year when the Apostles Fast is as long as Lent; is a bit of excessive piety which may bring pride and the fathers speak strongly against this.
Also historically in the Coptic tradition when a man fasted and prayed for his wife, she ended up dead freeing the man to enter into the monastery. The synaxarium and the lives of the saints have many such instances. Since I do not desire the death of my wife nor to enter the monastery (at the present time) I will refrain from fasting for her.
In addition this poor fool did not realize Coptic women measure love in calories, how much they cook shows their love for you and you reciprocate by eating as much of it as physically possible. For a man to refuse to eat a meal his wife worked on even he states it is her sake, will cause marital strife thus negating any purpose to this fast.
So as proper Copts we should stick to those fast our mother the Church has laid out for us and not a single day more.
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Oh God am I everso thankful for the liturgy.
If I had to sit through that on a regular basis, I would pull a “reverse Paul” I would not only become atheist but I’d start persecuting Christians.
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“I believe teenagers are God’s revenge on mankind. He look down upon man and said ‘How’d they like it if I created someone in their image that denies their existence.’”
– Jeff Allen
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A local area who wishes to remain anonymous, to protect him from his father of confession, confides to the Coptic News Network that a week into the Advent fast and he has yet to start fasting due to the sheer amount of leftover food from Thanksgiving. This year was unusual in that Thanksgiving Day fell before the start to fast so this man’s family decided to go all out in cooking for it. Not that they did not make turkey and other non-fasting foods during the other years, just in deference to fact they should be fasting they just made less of it. But because of this this man, who claims he desires to fast, feels bad throwing away enough food to feed a small village. He feels that wasting all that food would be the greater sin. So when asked how much longer does he have before he can fast, stated that at his current rate of eating he should be ready in time for Lent.
When the Coptic News Network asked an area priest his opinion on this stated simply that that man should be thankful he does not know who he is and that he is not that man’s father of confession.
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Lyrics in case you could not make them out
This why any hymn or spiritual song written within the past 200 years, if not more should not be allowed into a church or any church relate event. “He’s got love on his face”, seriously?!?!?!! Sounds like the tag line from a gay porno. If I get to heaven and the angels are singing this, I’ll politely ask directions on how to get to the muslim heaven or the line for buddhist reincarnations, because that can’t be heaven. I do not worship a cool dude. Makes God sound like the Marlboro man or the Big Lebowski.
“But its a friendly fun kids song, whats the harm?” you might ask. You might be heretic and corruptor of souls. Arius spread his heresy with fun little songs like that and we all know how he ended up. Personally I’m perfectly happy where my bowels are, but if you want to play russian roulette every time you go to the bathroom, go ahead and sing it.
– Militant Copt
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A bit of wisdom from the motherland (these are all real and the translations are accurate)
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Has his tonias custom made but the same tailor who makes papal vestments.
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Canon 2 from the Council of Gangra
If any one shall condemn him who eats flesh, which is without blood and has not been offered to idols nor strangled, and is faithful and devout, as though the man were without hope [of salvation] because of his eating, let him be anathema.
So does this mean even though I am supposed to be fasting I can eat meat and the priest can say nothing about it?
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“But Peter, standing up with the eleven, raised his voice and said to them, ‘Men of Judea and all who dwell in Jerusalem, let this be known to you, and heed my words. For these are not drunk, as you suppose, since it is only the third hour of the day’”
Commentary: It is clear from the passage the Christian should not start drinking prior to the third hour of the day (i.e. 9 am). What is not clear is the one who has been drinking the previous night and has not stopped okay, or should he stop drinking at the first hour of the day and start again after the third hour has passed. The other ambiguity in the text is if the injunction is one born of morality or practicality. Meaning that to wake and bake to put things in modern parlance was seen as a character flaw, or that any reputable drinking establish of those days was not open yet.
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I’m speechless. While we can appreciate their effort; my children will not have access to a video camera and a computer.
DISCLAIMER: The management of Not So Spiritual Words is in no way responsible for that video, we don’t even know those young men. No way, no how are we taking the rap for this on Judgment Day. I mean there is a lot of stuff on this blog that’ll get me an air-conditioned suite in hell but thats not going to be one of them.
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“Rice pudding in Egypt – you never know if it’s raisins – or flies! ”
– from “Five Graves to Cairo” 1943
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Coptic News Network Breaking Story
A gansta rap style East Coast/West Coast turf war has broken out between two churches, St. Matthew’s in Oregon and St. Pavle & St. George in New York. The main protagonists of this turf war are priests of the respective churches, Fr. Damian of the former and Fr. Arsenius of the later. The bone of contention between these two priests are concurrent book fairs each church is running. Despite being on opposite coasts apparently there was friction between the two.
Fr. Damian was surprised and somewhat dismayed when his well advertised book fair had little turn out, when inquiring of congregants whom he was sure would have come. He was shocked to hear many had actually bought books from Fr. Arsenius’ book fair. So he took the logical step of slashing prices sometimes to cost or below to entice people to come. Fr. Arsenius when he heard news of this was outraged, he claimed that this will damage the church reputation with publishers and distributors.
Things took a turn for the ugly when a group of shock trooper deacons stormed the St. Matthew book fair while in chanting “Iudas” over turning tables, rearrange books into the wrong categories and stealing Fr. Damian’s ema. As quickly as they appeared they left leaving chaos in their wake. Fr. Damian was left stunned but quickly pointing the finger at St. Pavle & St. George. When asked how did he know it was them. He responded the lead deacon was horribly off key. Fr. Arsenius denies any knowledge of the attack and when he confronted about the positive identification of his head deacon. He dismissively replied that you can not find a Coptic church where half the deacons were off key, if not just baying like injured wolves.
thanx to m.h. for the idea
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Coptic iconography forever!! (Though we can accept and appreciate iconography from other Orthodox jurisdictions)
You can keep your modern christian art. It is does not to enhance the faith and actually it is once step above idolatry. You are not portraying a spiritual reality but how you would like to picture things or how you imagine it. Not to mention most of it is utter crap. If I dipped a cat in paint and threw it at a canvas, I would create more uplifting art.
Case in point the “Jesus with you always” series. Not only are they not spiritually uplifting and edifying but they are down right creepy. Take a look at the drawings titled Student and Truck Driver. That Jesus is not the King of Glory son of God who I wish to fall down and worship. That is stalker Christ who I’d call the cops on and get a restraining order against. I thank God for being Orthodox and not having to ever see those pictures in a church, it would be enough to cause me to be an atheist for I will not worship a creepy stalker.
You may say they are nice pictures. I would say to you, you are idolator. If the iconodules had seens these they would stone you and burn them and join the iconoclasts in destroying these “religious” images.
Icons Rule!!
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Why is it every saint story of young virgin states that she is of exceeding beauty and all desired to marry her? Nothing is ever written about more plain looking or even homely virgins. Don’t the ugly also love Jesus or are they just bitter at the way they look so they are not so keen on being martyred.
Also according to principles of natural selection all these exceedingly beautiful choosing martyrdom over marriage would me that Christians as people must have grow uglier since the early church since all the beautiful women were killed off.
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Your Grace,
When I tell my father of confession I have a girlfriend, he does not believe me. Not only does he not believe me but he has to stifle his laughs every time he mentions me with a girlfriend. When I confessed I kissed her, he fell off his chair weeping with laughter. Unfortunately she currently goes to school on the opposite coast, so I can not show him that she is not imaginary and I can actually get a girl. I find this damaging not only to my spiritual life but to my self-esteem. How should I proceed?
Sayedna,
I think my wife is trying to kill me. Not on purpose but I can’t eat anything she cooks. No human can nor can many animals, I’ve tried. I know she goes through the effort of cooking for me out of love, I just wish she did not love me so much. I can’t afford to take us to eat out every night and we are both only children whose parents have died so we can’t go over to family members for dinners. I try to cook as much as possible but some days I am unable to. Early on, the first time I refused to eat what she cooked she wept inconsolably and claimed I did not love her and other drama. I wish to live in a peaceful home but if I keep eating her cooking it will be a short life.
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Anytime anyone makes a joke or just a simple innocent comment, turn it into a spiritual sermon or diatribe. For example if some asks you to wish them luck, carry on on how the concept of luck is not Christian that those who believe in Jesus trust he will do the best for us and we trust in His grace and do not need luck. Or if some one complains on how hot the weather is, expound about it is nowhere it is as hot as hell and that instead of being out in the heat they should be in church praying for their salvation.
This is some times referred to as a Jesus Juke or being “oversaved”.
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Those with Bad Bosses – St. Matruna
Unfortunately Named Children – Abba Hor & Abba Fis
Innocent Men who have appeared on the Maury Show – St. Macarius of Egypt
Biblical Exegetes (or any academic) – Abba Joseph
Celebrities who avoid the Paparazzi – St. Arsenius
Cutlery Salesmen – St. Philopater Mercurius
Sororities – St. Demiana
Okay this one is rather subtle and requires knowledge of the particular saint’s life to make sense of some of them
Thanks to d&mh for the original inspiration.
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Not So Spiritual Words 
