Sayedna,
I heard one of the reasons we are allowed fish, during some fasts, is that they reproduce without intercourse. So being a geneticist, I’ve developed a cow that that can reproduce without intercourse. So can we be allowed my siami beef during the fasts now?

Your Grace,
I’m suffering from a severe crisis of faith but before my problem. I want to let you know that I’m extremely happy to be orthodox, especially since our Christmas and Easter fall after the western one, allowing us the maximum benefit from the sales. Truly we are God’s chosen. My crisis has to do with Good Friday, this year it falls as the same date as the long anticipated Spiderman movie. Therein lies the conflict attend good friday services or the Spiderman movie before someone ruins the ending for me. I know on Good Friday Christ died and saved the world from sin. But Spiderman has repeated saved the world from various supervillians, even one named Sin, didn’t have to die. So isn’t it the same and possibly better to attend the movie.

Sayedna,

The head of Sunday school in my church strongly objects to the way I get my class to behave. He claims I’m causing them severe psychological damage but I don’t hit or even yell at them. What I do is at the beginning of the new Sunday School year I hire a actor, the same age as the students and then when the class misbehaves, I precede to simulate killing the actor student, no real violence just a lot of special effects and makeup. The class afterwards behave as perfect angels. I’m able to teach the lesson with no problems, the class benefits, and an actor gets to make a living. Everybody wins. I don’t see the problem.

Your Grace,

Is it wrong to try and hack bible software so I can get it for free? I’m only doing this out of my great love for the word of God. Also isn’t a sin for that company to force people to pay for it. I mean Christ, Himself, freely gave His life up on the cross so ALL may be saved. I don’t remember reading in the bible (though I would know for sure if the evil company didn’t lock their bible software) our Lord asking the apostles to ante up a gold piece each before he headed towards Golgotha. And when the Holy Spirit inspired the men who wrote the bible, nowhere is it recorded that the Holy Spirit povide inspiration and for a 15 day trial period and then made them pay for it. Am I not doing the Lord’s work by hacking this software? and I would freely distribute it, I would not be greedy with.

Your Grace,
Why doesn’t Santa Claus deliver toys on January 7. I learned in sunday school that Santa Claus was Saint Nicholas, Bishop of Mora, Turkey and he was orthodox. So there should be any reason he doesn’t deliver toys on Jan. 7, if anything he should be delivering anything on Dec. 25 since he’s orthodox and everything. Could you have the pope pray and make St. Nick deliver toys on Jan. 7 because I don’t think its fair that we get no toys just because we follow a different calendar.

Your Grace,
I like to take reading material with me when I go to the bathroom. Is it wrong to be sitting on the toilet and reading the bible?

Sayedna,
On the way home from grocery shopping I was listen to liturgy on tape in the car when I noticed there was a loaf of bread in the back seat. Now I don’t know if its transformed to the Body of Christ or not. Please help.
(submitted by p.k.)

Your Grace
On a retreat, we braided the beard of our abouna while he was napping and took pictures. We thought it was harmless fun until he forbade us from recieving the sacraments until we give him all copies of the pictures and negatives. We think this is unfair, its not like we shaved off his beard (we decided against that). Whats your opinion?

Your Grace,
I’m convinced my entire Sunday School class is possessed. There is no way any human being can act the way they do in church, I mean the devil had more respect to God in the Book of Job than these children do. Other sunday school teachers have literally run screaming from the room never to return to the Coptic Orthodox church again. As a result I am convinced their possesion is so total that the only solution is to have my entire class burnt at the stake. Please advise.

You Grace,
There must be an effort in the church to introduce the parents to unique names for their children. In my sunday school class I have 6 Kyrillouses, 4 Minas and 3 Marks. I even seen families where every daugther was named Maryann. And calling the children by their last name doesn’t help because 3/4 the church is either Hanna or Gerges. This is leading to mass confusion in the church. Can your Grace help us with a solution.

Your Grace,
My intercessor saint doesn’t seem to to anything for me, I see the my friend’s intecessors do things for them but nothing for me. Is there someone I can speak to register a complaint or file paperwork changing my saint.

Sayedna,
When we die and if we go to heaven, can we choose which heaven we go to? I mean if I go to heaven, I’d like to go to the Islamic heaven, they’ve got rivers of wine that doesn’t cause hangovers, endless feasts and naked servants of the opposite sex. That sound like a good time and I wouldn’t mind spending eternity there. Also, I mean if we’re already going to heaven, what difference does it matter, which one?