Author: mrnotso

Need a Virgin Weaver

In making a magic carpet, one needs a virgin girl to weave a carpet of white new wool in the hour of the sun, when the moon is full and the sun is in Capricorn. . .

– Shah “Occultism, Its Theory & Practice”

P.S.So if there are any virgins, who own sheep and weave rugs, interested please contact me for a business opportunity ; p

A Christmas Greeting

“Glory to God in the highest, peace on earth to men of goodwill.”
Luke 2:14

(What, can’t I send a nice normal message once and a while)

(Okay, you’re right I can’t, some might say I miss quoted above but I didn’t. This is one of the little idiosyncrisies of various English translations of the the Bible where they use an improper translation of Luke 2:14. The above is based on the original Greek and backed up by the Latin version.)

P.S. Merry Christmas

Family Togetherness

Being snowed-in is God’s way of forcing families to sit and interact with each other, i.e. family counselling via act of nature; but then again thats how we ended up with the Donner party.

P.S. For those who don’t know, the Donner party was a group of pioneers in the 1800′s that were snowed in the Rockies and ended up eating each other and the last person left was found frozen to death.

Pickup Lines That Do Not Work

    For the men do not use these lines even in times of severe desperation. They do not work at all and will have an adverse effect. If you do, at best the woman in question will look at you contemptuously and cast aspersions upon your parentage, at worst you will suffer severe physical harm which may include castration.  In the event, you use one these lines and the woman falls for it, run away there is something severely wrong with her mentally.
While there are hundreds of such pick up lines these have been tested in real world situations and proven failures.
     For the ladies, if a man uses one of these lines on you, mace him immediately and then proceed to kick him when he is down. That type of man does not deserve any better. Unless you go for that type of man, then heaven help you both.
Without further ado the lines:

  • Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re da bomb.
  • I must be sleepwalking because your the girl of my dreams.
  • You must be tired because you’ve been running around in my head all day.
  • You, me, the floor, right now.
  • Your sure do smell purty. (I’ve heard this also being used)
  • I’m lonely, can I be your friend.
  • Someone tell God an angel is missing.
  • I got one word for you baby, suckpump.
  • Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me your name?
  • (Just stare at the girl and pant)
  • Hey baby, I only have one leg. (think about this one)
  • (If she steps on your foot) Watch it there, thats not my foot you stepped on
  • (Say nothing but lick your eyebrows)(think about this one. too)
  • I wish had a rubber glove to use as a condom so I can do you five times in a row.(I’ve actually heard this one used.)
  • Anything from a “Bloodhound Gang” song
Disclaimer: For the wiseguys/gals out there, No I did not find that these line don’t work from firsthand experience but have seen them used.

Ten Things I Have Learned Never To Do In Presence Of Clergy

To all my friends to help you have a smooth and trouble-free with that special member of the priesthood in your life, here is:
Ten Things I Have Learned Never To Do In Presence Of Clergy (in no particular order, they all particularly bad results for you)
1.Do not initiate a group prayer while a clergy member is present, unless specifically told to do so by said member of the clergy, unless you are a higher ranking member of the priesthood.
2. Do not quote scripture at a priest.
3. Do not give milk chocolates to children in church on Friday as a reward for behaving during Bible Study (unless its during the fifty days)
4. When His Holiness, Pope and Patriarch and Archbishop of the great city of Alexandria, says do not open a door; you DO NOT open that door or be within 20 feet of the door for that matter.
4a. When asked by His Holiness, why did you open the door? Do not respond It wasn’t me, even if it wasn’t you!! (The proper response if you’re curious is I have sinned forgive me)
5. For deacons, if a priest is praying the liturgy quickly, do not take your time when you respond.
6. Do not pick or bypass locks in Church without the expressed consent of the priest. Also make sure you leave them in working order when you do so.
7. When giving a ride to a member of the clergy, do your best to avoid potholes, make sure the car will not break down, and the doors to the car will open when they are supposed to.
7a. Do not drive through sleazy parts of the city (i.e. those with a high number of adult establishments) because if you get stuck because of traffic, the car ride becomes awkward very quickly.
7b. Make sure you know  where you are going.
8. Do not inadvertently call monks, monkeys; especially when speaking to one.
9. Always face the door when making a humorous comment about a member of the clergy for you never know when he is going to enter the room.
9a. Always look behind you before making said comment.
10. Do not pants (i.e. pulled down a persons pants) somebody while they walk down the hall with a priest.
Dishonorable mentions (these’ll only earn you a dirty look at worst)
Do not make flippant remarks to a priest when he is in a bad mood.
Do not give a member of the clergy, those super sour candies unless you make it absolutely clear its sour

Bah! Humbug!

Bah humbug! All those who celebrate this bacchanalian parody of a religious feast day are welcome to it, but there is a reason the Lord blessed us with being Orthodox. We enjoy the benefit of all the major post-holiday sales and get to extend the holidays for an extra week. Oh and the fact that we can celebrate the day for its true and significant meaning without the hype and commercialization is a nice bonus.

Power of Prayer

Sayedna,
My wife beats me. The way I was raised never to raise your hand to a woman no matter the situation. I can’t talk to  anybody about it because I am from a Saidi (Upper Egyptian) family.  I am desperate. I am now at the point where I fear for my life. Please help me.
.
Your Grace,
Adam & Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden before committing sins and only wore clothes as a result of the shame caused by sin. So shouldn’t we as a part of repentence and confession walk around naked to show we are free of sin and the shame causes through confession?
.
Sayedna,
I Pray with metonias. Not only do I find it a helpful spiritual excercise but also an excellent physical workout. Should I do 3 sets of 10 repititions or should I max out. Also it concentrates on the lower body, should I alternate with possibly pull ups or another upper body exercise?