Category: Miscellaneous Meditations

Signs Things Are Going Downhill in the Church

  • When someone goes in to confess to abouna, people start chanting “2 men enter, 1 man leaves”
  • Abouna insists on a secret passage leading out of the church be built under the altar.
  • Pre-servant’s class besides lessons on theology and dogma have lessons on close quarter combat.
  • Mustaches are grafitti-ed on the icons (or removed if the saint already has one)
  • Instead of cymbals accompanying the hymns a boombox is used.
  • Deacons are armed with stun guns during processions for their own protection.
  • The old ladies in church are members of the local chapter of the Hells Angels.

Good Idea/Bad Idea II

Good Idea: Starting an intramural football league with your friends.
Bad Idea: Playing the games on Sunday during liturgy in church while wearing your tonia.

Good Idea: Getting a lot of vegetables in your diet.
Bad Idea: Considering ketchup and saurkraut from the bag adequate meal.

Good Idea: Help your friend move furniture.
Bad Idea: Helping your friend move furniture of a third friend without their knowledge.

Good Idea:Teaching the young deacons its wrong to sneak off and sleep during Bright Saturday Vigil.
Bad Idea: Leaving the young deacons tied up somewhere because they fell asleep during Bright Saturday Vigil and forgetting about them.

Yet Even More Coptic Pickup Lines

– Hey you wanna make your next confession more exciting?”
– Ask to borrow their agpeya/bible and slip your number into it.
– “I wish you were my Sunday School teacher, because I bet you can teach me a thing or two.”
– “I have some holy oil, if you want to be anointed.”
– “I can help have your mother stop nagging you about marriage.”
– “I’ve fasted and prayed for three days and the Lord has sent you to me.”
– “Didn’t I see you during the Easter procession?”

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Coptic Television Shows You’ll Never See

Ascetic Eye for the Lay Guy

With 5 monks give lay men a monastic makeover.
Fashion Monk: You have many pieces of beautiful designer clothing get rid of them. The nature of an ascetics clothing should such that if he leaves it on the side of the road no one would look at them.
Food & Wine Monk: I’ve taken the liberty of emptying out your refrigerator and pantry. Here’s a loaf of bread and a gallon of water, I’ll be back next week and give you another loaf and more water.
Culture Monk: Its evil, the entire world is filled evil there’s little of benefit in it. Its best just to lock yourself in your room and pray.
Design Monk: You have many interesting piece of art around your apartment. They too distracting so, we going to move you into a crypt and seal you in there so you can meditate.
Grooming Monk: Why care for your outward appearance will you get into heaven because you have nice highlights? Besides what kind of man has highlights except those of questionable morals?

Militant Copt reviews The Passion of the Christ

Militant Copt (M.C.) found the movie an excellent piece cinema but there were a few issues. First M.C. found all the buzz about the film being anti-semetic a lot of non-sense. If anything the movie was anti-hamitic*. Mel Gibson completely ignores the fact Christ was ever in Egypt. Christ spent a tenth of His life there and we Copts get nothing. We get flashbacks of Christ washing his hands, joking with the Virgin Mary but nothing of Him in Egypt. He even showed Christ as a small child falling. The age Christ was in the flashback meant He probably was in Egypt (He was about 4-6 years old when the Holy Family left Egypt), but does Mel Show this at all. NNNooo!!!! Mel wanted the to be linguistically accurate, then why did he ignore Coptic? Christ would have spoken Coptic. He spent His formative years for language development in Egypt, but did Mel have Him even utter a single word or expression in Coptic. NNNooo!! Mel totally ignored any connection Christ had with Egypt because the Jewish controlled media is still upset because the Egyptians were the only people in history to successfully enslave the Jews.
Secondly the sound track while nice M.C. believes it would not give the viewer the full impact of the movie so to rectify the situation. M.C. and a group of deacons decided to accompany the film with choice Pascha hymns. But imagine the shock and dismay when part way through Pekethronos security came and forcibly ejected those deacons. M.C. has a religious persecution suit against the theater pending.

* Egyptians are a hamitic people not semetic like arabs and jews.

Questions from Kids that Make Sunday School Teachers Uneasy

  • Do abounas have sex? (and other various follow up questions)
  • How did the stylites* go to the bathroom?
  • My daddy doesn’t do that, does that mean he’s going to hell?
  • Are you really Christian?
  • Come on now, you can’t really believe that stuff?
  • What happens if abouna finds out your dating his daughter?
  • Why doesn’t my pet go to heaven?
  • Can I go to hell if I go to heaven first and find it boring?
  • Why aren’t you married?

* Stylites were a group of 4th & 5th century ascetics mainly in Palestine and Syria who lived on top of pillars.

Tales from the Confessional (Episode 1)

“Abouna, i think i am going to be in big trouble and you may get mad”
to which he will reply:
“Are you saying I cause trouble?! Confession isn’t the source of trouble. Confession is the resolution to trouble. How can you say I am going to bring you trouble? Do you come to confession thinking there will be trouble?”
“No Abouna, that is not what I meant.”
“No, no, no. This is not a wise way to begin a confession. To say to a priest that he will cause trouble. How can you tell me I will bring problems? I haven’t done anything. You are the one coming to confession and telling me I am going to bring trouble and problems! No…no…no…..”

Moral, never start a confession saying “i think i am going to be in big trouble”…or you will be…however, note: it did dwarf the rest of the confession and made it look not so bad

– submitted by mk