“A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.”

– Ronald Knox

I bet you thats one piece of advice His Holiness never gave a priest.

Mary Magdalene: Were you a good carpenter?
Jesus: It’s a good thing I started preaching.

– from 1999 tv miniseries “Jesus”

“You might not fear Jesus Christ, bud, but his mom sure packs quite a punch.”

– from “Case Files: Sam & Twitch” #16

“Why did the priest cross himself? To get to the other side.”

– Jerry Seinfeld

Several Sunday School Kids: “Abouna you have to get rid of this servant. You can’t let him chaperone us on any more trips.”
Abouna: “Why?”
Kids: “He’s crazy. He has these knives and guns that shoot giant darts. He shot kyrillous and put traps to kill us. And almost stabbed us.”
Abouna: “Did you misbehave?”
Kids: “No way are you crazy. He’d shoot us and we’ll be dead.”
Abouna: “Good.”

This is actual dialog and not made up.

• You find a giant flaming hand writing on your bedroom wall, and when finished it proceeds to smack you upside the head.
• Icons in church stick their tongue out at you.
• When you pray, you hear the sounds of snickering.
• You find yourself being taken captive by Babylonians, despite the fact that the Babylonian empire hasn’t existed for thousands of years.
• The old women in church repeatedly assault you.
• You pray for death yet none comes, only a series of painful near misses.
• The devil wants nothing to do with you.

“This is not one of those churches, where we tear up pages from the bible, toss them in the air and yell Holy Spirit blizzard.”

– from SeaLab 2021

If you want to curse , use your own name.
– God

(From a random billboard in Jersey)

All I Know if thats what Pascha is supposed to be I would made more of an effort to attend. Gives Passion Week a whole new meaning.

Thanks to d.s.m.f.

• When at the blackjack table facing a pair of fives and wondering whether to double down or split.
• When trying to figure where to dispose of the corpse
• Deciding on a red or white wine with dinner
• Which team to pick in the office pool.
• Wondering whether to go with boxers or briefs