“The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he’s really pissed off.”
– Bob Hope

Sorry but I’m fascinated by crazy preachers, and they don’t get crazier than him (warning strong language)

• AC/DC’s “Back in Black” to be sung during the “Rites of Reception of a New Priest” if he was originally a member of the congregation.
• Deacon’s stole (aka patrashel) to come in a variety of colors to show which crew he rolls with.
• Scented oils to be used for andeel prayers.
• Allow the use of strobes, laser lights and smoke pots during the Resurrection play during Easter liturgy.
• Open buffet set up for communion to speed things up for large congregations.
• Time stamping the congregation as they enter to know if the arrived prior to the Gospel.
• Priest and deacons to lipsync to previously recorded liturgies.

• Your prayers consists of God either taking you or them before the next class.
• You find yourself on a host of various medications (anti-hypertensives, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics et c.) as a direct result of your class.
• You think Job had it easy and that if he had your class, he would have long cursed God.
• On Sundays when you teach, you decide it would be best not to take communion.
• You find yourself serious studying the church rite of exorcism.
• You find yourself starting to calculate how much Benadryl would be needed to drug you class.
• You start to believe there is no God, because no loving God would create such demonic spawn.

Clergy or Terrorist: Take cropped photos, showing only their face, of either priest or terrorists and have them guess which it is. (Not as easy one would believe, especially with certain priests) Variation: Saint or Sinner: where you tell them a name of a heretic or a saint and have them figure out which is which.

What Do You Know?: Ask your kids very basic questions about the church and our faith and see what answers you get, like “Where was Jesus born?” or “Was Jesus God or man?” et c. Depending on the age of the kids, the wrong answers can be cute and funny (kindergartners) or disturbing and depressing (high schoolers).

Witchhunt: Convince the kids one of the other servants is teaching heresy (which might actually be true considering some of the sunday school teachers I’ve seen) and they have to find out who it is so it can be reported to abouna. (especially fun if there is servant you don’t care for and point the kids in his/her direction)

Paranoia: Teach the kids the devil is real and out to get them, reinforce this with footage of exorcisms and other frightening sounds and footage. See how long they go without sleep. Warning this game has to potential to permanently scar the kids which makes it funnier to me. (one needs a night light ever since, another can only go to the bathroom with the door open)

• Celebrate it like they did in Ancient times. Show up at the home of that special girl in your life dressed in the skins of a freshly sacrificed goat (to whom you sacrifice the goats is up to you) whipping her with bloody strips of the goat skins.
• Steal for the relics of St. Valentines give them to that special someone. Whats more Valentine’s Day than the guy its named after.
• Get martyred. Nothing says I love you more than dying for someone (besides its biblical).
• Stalk that special someone hoping they panic and agree to marry you. (Ladies, Mr. Right could be standing outside your bedroom window right now)
• Play cupid for your friends and leave “romantic” phone message or emails on their behalf
• See if monasteries/convents have openings (why not, its cheaper than marriage and better for your soul)

• What does his holiness wear under his faragaya (galabia)?
• Why do older women  take 2 hours to confess?
• What does a priest do if he has to go to the bathroom during liturgy?
• Do priests actually listen to confessions or zone out?
• How is the water sprayed at the end of liturgy always ice cold?
• How many pockets do priests actually have?

“ Don’t question God, for He may reply:  “If you’re so anxious for answers, come up here.”

– unknown

Its generally a clear, unambiguous sign that God does not really like you at the moment when you almost choke to death on the Body of Christ during communion.

• Hey, baby, your body makes me want to scream aiernobi* all night long.
• Want to make your next confession a little more interesting.
• You really know how to fill out a tonia (for use on guys obviously)
• You’re so hot I could light a censer with you.

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* trans I have sinned