Category: Miscellaneous Meditations

The Truth About Santa

Important Public Service Message Regarding Santa Claus:
There is a misconception that Santa is a jolly fat man in a red suit that cavorts with flying reindeer. In actuality Santa is not such a benign entity. He is a megalomaniacal despot bent on eventual world domination, not unlike the UNAbomber.  He makes us believe, that he rides a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and delivers toys to good boys and girls, by using nanotechnology,  A.K.A. microscopic robots.  What he does is manufactures tinsel containing these microscopic robots (and who has ever seen a christmas display without tinsel, think about it) and when the tinsel is touched or moved it releases thousands of these robots into the air.  They are then inhaled and burrow through the avoeli and get into the blood stream. From the blood stream the eventually attach themselves to the brain stem.  Once there, through controlled electrical discharges which he can control via radio signals which he can easily piggyback unto the worldwide GPS signals, he can make people buy things to give to others and give credit to a fat man who has a thing for midgets and reindeer, or other sorts of nonsense.
You might say that sounds harmless enough what does this have to do with world domination? I pose this question to you in reply, have you noticed christmas decorations have been going up and being put on sale earlier and earlier?  It is at the point where the christmas stuff is around before the “back to school” stuff is.  Also he use this system to make people do stupid things during the holidays such as drink eggnog ( its a raw egg milkshake for Christ’s sake).  Also what happens if he one decides to lend out the system to the easter bunny!!!
Food for thought

Public Service Message About Confessions

TEN THINGS NEVER, EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD BE SAID TO A PRIEST
DURING CONFESSION, IF YOU VAULUE YOUR LIFE AND AFTERLIFE.

1. You know all the ten commandment, well forget about it.
2. You tell me something first.
3. Yeah I’m drunk, you got a problem with  that. OR I had a joint before to help loosen me up.
4. Do you mind if I bring a sheesha in next time.
5. It all started when I was 2 …        (a.k.a. telling him your life story, again)
6. What do you mean its a sin to own a brothel.
7. Abouna, you might want a stiff drink before you hear this.
8. Stop blowing on my head, you’re messing up my hair.
9. Hey are you listening to my at all, stop playing with your cross.
10. Sorry, I didn’t know that was your daughter (or son).

Ten Coptic Pickup Lines

1. So, whose your father of confession?

2. My agapia or yours?

3. Ash pe pekran, good looking. (for use on men)  Ash te teran, good lookin. (for use on women) (knowledge of Coptic required for this one)

4. How about we split a bowl of bisara, baby. (Useful during the fasts.)

5. Lets get together for a midnight praises rendevous.

6. I love the way your patreshel hangs. (For use on deacons only)

7. That kerchief frames your faces so beautifully. (For use on women only)

8. Hey don’t I see you in Sunday School.

9. Whats your saint?

10. Hello sir, I’d like to marry your daughter. (For old school traditionalists)

Honorable mention:  What are you wearing?

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