“If God believed in the metric system, Jesus would have had only 10 disciples.”

– Unknown

“Germans are very good people, I would have been German but unfortunately both my parents were Egyptians.”

– from “Five Graves to Cairo” (1943)

“Stop talking to me. Listening to you, is making me stupid.”

-D.S.M.F.

“Women are the brightest and most beautiful of God’s creation, but I thank the Lord God I was born a man.”

– line from “Jesus of Nazareth” part 1

Based on an actual Jewish prayer that thanks God for being a man.

Since there are many processions in the church during this week here is what not to do to the poor unfortunate deacon (you can tell I did this before) who carries the icon.

1. The amount blessing you receive is not related to the amount of force you use to hit the icon.

2. If you do insist on swinging at the icon, please make sure your aim is dead on.

3. On Palm Sunday, if you cannot reach the icon with your hand, that’s okay you won’t suffer fiery perdition as a result, but DO NOT swing at it with you palm branch particularly the pointy end.

4. Do not try to yank the icon out of the deacon’s hands for whatever reason; that’s not taking a blessing, its grand theft icon.

5. Do not grab the deacon or icon so some one has time to dive across the pew to reach the icon (a favorite trick of the old ladies in our church), it only cause the censer to accidentally whack the deacon in the legs.

6. Do not tug , grab or attempt to strip the deacon of his vestments(and possible clothing), there is no blessing in it and you may cause the deacon to say something he shouldn’t in church.

7. Finally please remember the deacon carrying the icon still feels pain, he is not imbued with a heavenly invulnerability by the icon ( unfortunately)

Oprah Winfrey is the anti-christ !!
That is all.

Why & How is it the water abouna sprays, as a blessing at the end of the liturgy, is ice cold ? The temperature in the church can be a 110 degrees yet the water is ice cold. Does abouna secretly slip in a couple of ice cubes at the very end right before he starts spraying or during the liturgy does the Holy Spirit descend upon the pitcher as well, imbuing with this miraculous coldness?

• Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell are now just used to roast marshmallows.
• Vegetarians emit more gas than meat-eaters. What, you thought that smell was sulphur?
• Have you tasted soymilk? Is there any its the work of the Devil?
• A suspicious conspiracy amongst so-called experts to declare cheeseburgers bad for you.
• If God had wanted us to eat vegetables, He would have made them out of meat.
• The universal symbol for death and destruction is a mushroom cloud and not a T-bone steak
• That pitchfork that Satan always carries? Salad fork.
• There is no greater evidence of evil than people willing to pay that much money for food that tastes like total crap.
• Well, dressing up in a bunny suit at public events and then handing kids pictures of mangled animals is a pretty good sign if you ask me.
• Who else, other than the beast, would invent & popularize the tofu burrito?

If you cannot get someone to love you, pity is an acceptable substitute.