The Devil is real and he is out to get you (Watch out he’s behind you): A lesson to stress the fact that the Devil is after the child (cf 1Peter 5:8) and that he might even be hiding in their closet or under their bed. The only thing to protect them is going to church, praying and fasting. If they slack the devil will then get them. Reinforce with footage of possessed people and exorcisms. Nothing like religious paranoia to keep them on the straight and narrow.

May also be adapted for a sermon topic

The Blessed Theotokos St. Mary on the eve of the feast of her dormition appeared in the church of St. George & St. Paphnutius. The miraculous apparition occurred at the revival (nahda) services – that common in the Coptic church during the period of St. Mary’s Fast – during the performance of of the various choirs in the church. At first doves of light were seen in the church which then flocked togeher over the chorus area in front of the altar. There they then coalesced together and then ever-virgin St. Mary appeared. All the while the choir was singing. Suddenly in a move that has never occurred in her apparitions in the history of our church, she spoke aloud. She said, “Stop”. The choir paused briefly but when she did not say anything else started to sing again. She then spoke again, “No, seriously stop singing.” She then disappeared in a flock of doves of light and a cloud of incense. The dumbstruck choir then went back to their seats and no other choir sang that night.

One Mr. Mohsen Youssef Adly, with tears of joy streaming down his face, exclaimed that now he can depart in peace as Simeon the elder, for God has answered his prayers and brought an end to the signing of the choirs. Choirs that caused the angels to weep and not in a good way. Later he told his friends that these choirs were God-awful and they just kept going year after year just because every parent wanted to see their kids up there and to justify the church expenditure for a Casio keyboard. It was torture. He also doubt the theological soundness of some of the songs they shrieked. When one of the priests of the church were asked their opinion of the matter, confidentially mentioned he wouldn’t mind if she apppeared to a few of the deacons as well.

Though they may seems like an angelic choir standing in the front of the church, the diaconate is fraught with secret scandals and shames few laity ever become aware of. Here the intrepid investigators at Not So Spiritual breakdown the wall of secrecy revealing these secret shames for the world to see. Here is what we uncovered.

• Can only read transliterated Coptic
• Puts a sachet of incense in his vestment bag so it smells like he prayed more liturgies than he actually did.

(Knows the word sachet and how to pronounce it correctly. Something not right about that)

• Does not listen to hymns or liturgies in the car
• Does not own a single hymn tape
• Has no idea how to properly fold his tonia
• Does not really know any hymns but bays like a wolf during the long parts
• Was never truly ordained but just started wearing a tonia because he heard girls like guys in tonias and since there really is not any sort of deacon id card no asked.
• Likes to dress in priest vestment in secret
• Tries to get girl’s numbers during processions
• Is addicted to incense smoke
• When the weather is really hot and the AC is not working well, takes his pants off underneath his tonia to cool off.
• Will secretly start to play the drum solo from “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” on the def during Pekethronos
• Suffers from an OCD compulsion to straighten everyone’s orarion (patrashel)
• Tends to day dream and as result has accidentally set fire to the priest, other deacons and various items with a candle

Are you finding it hard to fast. Praying the Agpeya 7 times a day, 8 times too many? With a single prostration you risk a cardiac episode? That holy oil burns when it touches your skin? Or that korban cause you all sorts of gastric issues?

Its not your fault. It could be your parents. They could have stack the deck against you by making you a sin baby. Whats a sin baby, you ask? A child that was conceived during a fast, when married couples are supposed to refrain from conjugal relations.

How can you tell if you are the demonic spawn of an illicit tryst? With NotSo Industries Sin Baby Calculator App!! New and improved version 2.0 has an offset you can manually enter for premature births. Just enter your birth date and it calculates whether you were conceived in the clear or screwed for eternity. It takes into account all the vagrities of the Coptic calendar and its correlation to the Gregorian calendar, so rest assured of its accuracy.

(as an aside, you’ll see a statistically non-random distribution of birthdays of Copts correlating to periods 9 months after inter-fast periods)

Thanks to F.H.W. for the idea

A fun game to play during any fasting period is Siyam Russian Roulette. At a gathering of friends or any pot luck prepare a food that resembles a non-fasting food item like soy kofta or other such culinary mockeries. In the midst of them hide a full on non-fasting version in the midst. Watch as your hapless victims eats it and has the recognition of something is not quite right has just happened. Even better is watching them deal the sudden gastric distress that occurs with the sudden ingestion of animal fat and protein.

There is a man who while his name is unknown and has a massive positive impact on the fasts of Orthodox Christians across the country. His work bring a subtle sublime joy to our communal worship not unlike a grace of the Holy Spirit. His work brings a healing touch to those who suffer during the fasts. Among themselves monks and members of the Synod have spoke with great enthusiasm to each of his work and recommend it to each. With the fruits of his labor it lessens certain distractions from within and without which allow us to enter into deeper spirituality. He truly is a defender of the fast.

This man is the inventor of Beano.

Its a shame the Orthodox church does not have a formal canonization process but if enough people venerate him, he could be accept as a saint by popular acclaim. Axios, axios, axios Mr. Beano.

Your Grace,
Is kissing is fast friendly? I’m speaking more so in terms of dietary terms. Occasionally when kissing there maybe an unintentional exchange and ingestion of saliva; so is that considered eating an animal product. Seeing biologically speaking we animals and we produce said saliva, would this be akin to drinking milk during the fast?

Sayedna,
If you pray the Prayers of Anointing Kings (an actual rite) on me, can I then legally claim the title? I think it would help in this job market to have on my resume that I am royalty or at the very least get me into a celebrity party or two. So when can you do this or can I have my priest do it.

Your Grace,
How many times should I let a child that is running unattended up and down the aisle during liturgy before its okay to trip them? If the parent is just meekly following the child as they do laps around the church can I trip them as well?

taken from the Pithless Thoughts blog by Steve Robinson

(more things like that can be found on his blog and book Orthographs )