Coptic News Network Brief

Adel Ayman Akram Agaiby, a servant in St. Marina & St. Anthony Coptic Orthodox church’s bookstore, was brutally beaten by what can be described by shocked yet bemused eyewitnesses as extremely irate and belligerent old ladies. The assault occurred after a normal Wednesday liturgy, when the terrorizing tetas descended upon the bookstore. Adel states that typically the bookstore is only open on the weekends but since he he had a day off decided to go in to get caught up on some inventory. Since he was there and the women wanted something from the bookstore, he decided to help them. The women came looking for Pope Tawadros II memorabilia to build their personal shrines to him like they did for the thrice blessed late Pope Shenouda. When Adel replied all he had were a few copies of the official photo of His holiness, what was a group of kindly old ladies turned in to cantakerous hellions.

They started to jab and poke him with their fingers and canes accusing him of disloyalty to the church. How could he not stock a wide array memoribilia with His holiness’ face on it. They were wanted such things which they had with Pope Shenouda’s face like key chains, mugs, t-shirts, sun visors, stickers, baseball caps, commemorative plates, medallions, candles, candlesticks, kerchiefs, glass cubes and lampshades among other knick-knacks. Adel at this point – in what could be described as the turning point where things crossed the line into tragedy – stated that such things were in poor taste and really did not honor the man.

At this point the pugnacious grannies started to swing their canes in earnest, while others started to pray to God that He strike Adel dead and punish him eternally for this and not hold his sin of disrespect against the patriarch against the church, while a few others cursed him as only a grandmother can with baldness, infertility, failure at all he touched, dwarfism and other things that no one thought could possibly come out of the mouths of sweet old ladies. Adel suffered several contusions, a concussion, and broken ribs since he could not defend himself since he felt it was dishonorable to raise his hands against elderly women. The beating stopped when the person giving the old ladies a ride home was leaving. Though the worst part Adel stated was seeing his grandmother take part in the assault.

Coptic News Brief

A local area priest who many claim has the gift of clairvoyance give Coptic News Network an exclusive in how he obtained these gifts. About a year or two the young people of a certain area church starting tell of their priest who in confession was able to tell their sins in detail before they confessed it. As his renown spread other people came to him for confession and came away equally amazed. When CNN spoke with Abouna T., he claimed he was an average priest no better than any other just a bit more tech savvy than most. When asked what he meant about being more tech savvy than most, he then revealed the secret of his gift. “Its not a spiritual gift, I’m too much of a sinner for that to happen to me” he humbly stated. “When they come in for confession, to them it looks like I’m in quiet meditation but in actually I’m just quickly checking their Facebook and Twitter feed on my phone which is nestled out of sight in my hand. You’d be surprised at what these people publicly post, not to mention most have friended me and don’t realize it.”

The Blessed Theotokos St. Mary on the eve of the feast of her dormition appeared in the church of St. George & St. Paphnutius. The miraculous apparition occurred at the revival (nahda) services – that common in the Coptic church during the period of St. Mary’s Fast – during the performance of of the various choirs in the church. At first doves of light were seen in the church which then flocked togeher over the chorus area in front of the altar. There they then coalesced together and then ever-virgin St. Mary appeared. All the while the choir was singing. Suddenly in a move that has never occurred in her apparitions in the history of our church, she spoke aloud. She said, “Stop”. The choir paused briefly but when she did not say anything else started to sing again. She then spoke again, “No, seriously stop singing.” She then disappeared in a flock of doves of light and a cloud of incense. The dumbstruck choir then went back to their seats and no other choir sang that night.

One Mr. Mohsen Youssef Adly, with tears of joy streaming down his face, exclaimed that now he can depart in peace as Simeon the elder, for God has answered his prayers and brought an end to the signing of the choirs. Choirs that caused the angels to weep and not in a good way. Later he told his friends that these choirs were God-awful and they just kept going year after year just because every parent wanted to see their kids up there and to justify the church expenditure for a Casio keyboard. It was torture. He also doubt the theological soundness of some of the songs they shrieked. When one of the priests of the church were asked their opinion of the matter, confidentially mentioned he wouldn’t mind if she apppeared to a few of the deacons as well.