Your Grace,
I’m suffering from a severe crisis of faith but before my problem. I want to let you know that I’m extremely happy to be orthodox, especially since our Christmas and Easter fall after the western one, allowing us the maximum benefit from the sales. Truly we are God’s chosen. My crisis has to do with Good Friday, this year it falls as the same date as the long anticipated Spiderman movie. Therein lies the conflict attend good friday services or the Spiderman movie before someone ruins the ending for me. I know on Good Friday Christ died and saved the world from sin. But Spiderman has repeated saved the world from various supervillians, even one named Sin, didn’t have to die. So isn’t it the same and possibly better to attend the movie.
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“This so-called “new religion” is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times, but first, let’s pass the collection plate! ”
– Rev. Lovejoy from “The Simpsons”
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“You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.”
– Al Capone
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10. Are you sure you’re really orthodox?
9. Can you please uncuff the students?
8. Why does my child cry hysterically everytime I mention Sunday School?
7. Why are you wearing that bullet proof vest to class?
6. Do you have any idea why your class keep insisting to abouna you’re the devil?
5. Why are your kids running a protection racket* on the other classes?
4. How is it possible your kids know less about God coming out of your class than they did going in?
3. Where exactly does it say in the bible, give wedgies is an acceptable service to God?
2. Have you seen whast they did to the previous teacher?
1. Do you remember where you dumped the bodies?
*If you don’t know a protection racket is when you threaten to do harmful things to a person unless they paid
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Sayedna,
The head of Sunday school in my church strongly objects to the way I get my class to behave. He claims I’m causing them severe psychological damage but I don’t hit or even yell at them. What I do is at the beginning of the new Sunday School year I hire a actor, the same age as the students and then when the class misbehaves, I precede to simulate killing the actor student, no real violence just alot of special effects and makeup. The class afterwards behave as perfect angels. I’m able to teach the lesson with no problems, the class benefits, and an actor gets to make a living. Everbody wins. I don’t see the problem.
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“You can know the color of the egg a chicken will lay by the color of its earlobes, chickens that lay white eggs have white earlobes, and browen eggs come from chickens that have red or brownish earlobes.”
-Martha Stewart
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“We had an agnostic family move into town, so we ended up burning a giant question mark on their lawn.”
– Milton Berle
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A fun harmless means of getting even is if you know the e-mail address of your target is to register them for every newsletter/pic/joke/etc. of the day you come across. While they will be able to easily unsubscribe, the fact they sell mailing lists will keep the victim innundated with junk e-mail for weeks. (things get real interest if you have a work address and sign them up for daily e-mailings of an adult nature)
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Tahina and duck sauce are NOT a substitute for peanut butter and jelly.
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“Abstain from beans. There be sundry interpretations of this symbol. But Plutarch and Cicero think beans to be forbidden of Pythagoras, because they be windy and do engender impure humours and for that cause provoke bodily lust.”
–Richard Taverner
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Not So Spiritual Words 