Sayedna,
Is there a substitute to doing metonias? I ask because I’m really out of shape and after doing three, I blacked out. Is there something that requires less cardio-vascular endurance? I wish to truly worship God with all my heart but I don’t think it involves a heart attack. So can I just sit down then stand up and say it was a metonia?

Sayedna,
Abouna told me that God loves me individually and i can speak to God as friend and tell Him all that i am thinking. So is it wrong to pray for a really hot wife or talk about really hot girls?

Your Grace,
The Bishop of my diocese hits me with his cross everytime he sees me. It really hurts and he won’t stop. Who can I turn to to for relief.

Sayedna
Would it be possible to use the picture gallery of various church websites to select a wife? Is this so wrong?

– all submitted by anonymous

Sayedna,
Its written both in Proverbs and Romans “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Is the converse true meaning that if I dump coals on my enemy’s head it would be the same as feeding him and giving him drink. Because I sort of tossed a lit barbecue at my neighbor and was wondering if I needed to confess it.

Your Grace,
I know as Christians we should not do anything that supports the homosexual lifestyle or culture, so are we not allowed to wear anything by gay fashion designers? Like the way the jews control the media, gays control the fashion industry. We can’t go naked so what are we to do?

Your Grace,
My mother still hits me and yells at me like I was still five years old. This is very humiliating and embarrassing, especially when it happens in front of my grandchildren and their spouses. She won’t listen to me when I try to tell her how this makes me feel, maybe because she’s partially deaf. What can I do so I can live my twilight years in peace?

Your Grace,
When God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, was it kosher salt or sea salt?

Sayedna,
I have a serious problem that needs fasting and prayer to solve but during the fifty days we’re not supposed to fast. Do I have have to wait until the fifty days are over before seeking a solution? Could I just prayer or is this fasting and prayer stuff a packaged deal, one is no good with out the other, a spiritual bert & ernie? Or because its the fifty days, I get a divine freebie?

Your Grace,
Oddly my priest doesn’t approve of my service. I try to find the lost sheep and preach to them. Obviously they won’t be in church, otherwise they wouldn’t be lost sheep; so I have to seek them where ever they are. Is it my fault they happen to be in a strip club? Is it right to let them perish because it isn’t right for me to be in a strip club? Shouldn’t a servant bring himself to the level of those he serves?

Ekhristos Anesti ( or as the Militant Copt Reviewer would say “Ekhristos Aftonf and you will burn if you get the response wrong”) (I know its a few days late but the management was waylaid by some bad eggs probably laid by a chicken with poor morals but I digress)

Your Grace,
Recently we have observed that, when Abouna blesses the congregation with water during the end of service hymn, he has been taking drastic shortcuts, completely against the liturgical rites set forth by our fathers, St. Basil, St. Gregory, and St. Cyril. Our church is so big, that it takes hours to bless all the people in the traditional way. So, instead of taking a jug of water and throwing water with just his right hand, to improve efficiency, Abouna has asked a deacon to pour water into both his left and right hands, and throw water with both hands simultaneously, effectively doubling his coverage area. I didn’t think anything of it until recently he has been asking a 2nd deacon to bring a water bottle with him, and while throwing water with his hands, the deacon gives Abouna a swig of water spits water out of his mouth onto the people, essentially tripling his coverage area. Then, after a recent rotator cuff injury, Abouna had to resort to alternative measures. He purchased a Super Soaker water gun, and was able to bless the entire congregation in 2 min 15 sec flat. Then he upgraded to a fire hose, which he used until some unfortunate old lady was knock all the way across the church. Last week was the final draw when Abouna installed a sprinkler system in the roof of the church. He sprayed the entire congregation with a twist of a knob installed in the altar. Sayidna, maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel the same blessing getting sprayed by a water gun or sprinkler system.

– submitted by e.w.i.

Your Grace,
My abouna has a restraining order placed against me keeping me from teaching Sunday School or getting near the kids. I did not do anything. All I did was come to class with a scourge like was used on Christ in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. I would have only used it on them if they misbehaved or made example of one of them. Besides it would a great blessing and honor to be treated as our Savior, following in His steps and sharing in His suffering. What can I do to convince abouna that I am actually bestowing a great blessing upon the children?

Sayedna,
Can you convince the Synod committe that deals with Church Rites to change the path of processions to totally bypass the women’s side of church. The women tend to be overzealous in taking a blessing, last Palm Sunday I suffere a concussion and was stripped of my tonia, and I wasn’t carrying anything. The poor deacon that was carrying the icon, he … lets just say the general funeral prayers weren’t so general. We’ve tried wearing police riot gear but those old women are tougher than one expected. One procession abouna disappeared, he was taken as a blessing. Luckily he was found at someone’s grandmother’s house. So for the sake of your sons the deacons, please speak to the synod on our behalf.

Sayedna,
I was wondering what should one do if someone start to choke when receiving the Body of Christ. Is it better to let the person die in a state of grace where he is literally one with Christ or to perform the Heimlich Maneuver and risk the Body of Christ falling on the ground and possibly being stepped on?

Your Grace,
How does on going about reporting heretics? Is there a hotline I can call? I ask because I think my Sunday School teacher is the love child of Nestorius and Arius. He agreed with some kids in the class that St. Mena was a pimp and said its okay to call St. Mary, the christokos*.So I need help starting some sort of synodal action against him.

(* a composite of real teachers)

Your Grace,
I believe my father of confession is too involved in my love life, or more accurately lack of one. Last time I went to confess, he just took me with him to his car and we went cruising for chicks. Is this normal or healthy for my spiritual growth?

Your Grace,
Apparently women like men in uniform, including a tonia. How wrong is it to use the fact I’m a deacon to pick up women?

Sayedna,
Does seeing the picture of an ugly person naked negate the sin of seeing one of a beautiful person naked?

Sayedna,
I have a serious problem which noone has seemed to be able to help me with. I’m worried I may not find a solution. I hope you can. Here it is. A train leaves Cairo at 50 km/h heading towards Assyut and another train leaves Alexandria at the same time also heading to Assyut. How fast must the train from Alexandria travel to pass the train from Cairo at Beni Sweif?

Sayedna
I learned the Patriarch is the Pope because he is bishop of Alexandria and not bishop of Alexandria because he is Pope. If Alexandria were to sink in to the sea because of an earthquake or some other disaster (or the answering of the prayers of upper egyptians ; } Would the Pope stop being the Pope because he can’t be bishop of Alexandria anymore because it doesn’t exist hence his reason for being pope?

Your Holiness
I have an idea to get the youth more interested in the priesthood, namely the Holy Synod. Bishop baseball cards. Most people couldn’t tell one bishop from a metropolitan from a khoriepiscopos. I mean for the most part one man in a big hat and beard looks like any other man in a big hat with a beard, unless you know them personally or they have some distinctive characteristic like a funky beard. The cards can have interesting stats about each bishop such as number of excommunications or exorcisim performed. The kids would trade and collect them and in the process learn about their bishops.

Sayedna,
I’m having visitations from St. Moses the Black. He appears through my fire escape window. Each time he appears, he takes a “gift” or “donation” with him when he leaves. I assume he appears to poor families giving them what he takes because what use is a tv or a vcr to a saint. My question is, how much should I give him? Should I save my tithes and give it to him when appears?