After Theophany liturgy, Los Angelos parishoner Soliman Boulos declined to go to his parents to eat the traditional ol’ass, claiming he was tired and needed sleep. His upset mother reminded him of the old saying of whoever does not eat ol’ass on the Theophany will wake up with out a head (it rhymes in arabic) He shrugged it off as he went to his apartment to sleep. His sleep was interrupted with countless nightmares of being headless. Gripped with this irrational fear, he raced to his parents still in his pajamas to get some ol’ass. His mother overjoyed to see him began to cook a full meal for him included the desperately desired ol’ass. His father disgustedly said to him “Be a man” and went back to sleep.

In a local New Jersey church what was supposed to be joyous event turned into a tragic bloodbath, when Stephen Botrous, aghnostos age 30, killed four fellow deacons with his bare hands during the Liturgy. When asked why a distraught Botrous replied “Its not fair. I wait all year for this Liturgy and end up being in the midst of hell during it. The deacon to the right of me believed himself the reincarnation of Mikahail El-Batanoni with a worse voice and no sense of rhythm or pitch. The deacon to to the left of me insisted on recited all the priest parts along with abouna yet stayed silent when we were singing a hymn. The man behind me was just singing any hymn he happened to know, unfortunately they were none of the ones everyone else was praying. The man in front of me apparent was following an old canon where bathing was considered breaking the fast and that he would just keep backing into me stepping on my feet. To top it all off some random kid decides its past his bedtime and sprawls himself across the bench to go to sleep prevents us from sitting for most of the liturgy. It was too much I just snapped.” Botrous in remembering his trauma then broke down in tears. A statement from his lawyer from the firm of Theodorus, Theodorus, Paneteus & Leontius state that “Mr. Botrous has confessed and received absolution for his acts and hope that the courts take this into consideration.” On the conditions of anonymity fellow deacons cheer Stephen Botrous’ actions saying things like “He should be put in the Synaxarium for this.”, “If he didn’t do it I would have eventually.” and “There should be more cullings of unfit deacons and liturgies would be more enjoyable”.

A kindergarten Sunday School teacher decide to teacher the class to say Ekhristos Anesti on Christmas. When confronted by irate parents, he told to point out the inaccuracy of the fact that Christ has risen. When ask several prominent church theologians, agreed with at face value one can say Ekhristos Anesti at any time, it was a stupid thing to do.

Mina Youssef Sawaris was greatly dismayed to have arrived home after work, to find his mother left him a message on his answering machine wishing him a Happy Jonah’s Feast. ” Why did I not receive the memo” he complained. “I mean if it is something as important to get its own fast and feast, there should be some sort of wide scale notification, mass e-mailing or phone call or something similar”. When informed that such things are church calendars. He replied a busy on the go physician, who is extremely successful and single, did not have time for calendars. Upon further pressing he conceded that if actually went to church he might know these things.

After Sunday Services in St. Mercurius Church, a member of the congregation identified as Mohsen Abdou Zaki ran up to church hegumen Abouna Philemon and was heard shouting, “Haha, Its the Fifty Days and I can do whatever I want and you can touch me. Na na na na na.” He then proceeded to tear off his shirt and run up and down the length of the Church screaming “Woohoo, party time!” before exiting. When Abouna Philemon was asked for his reaction he gravely stated, “It is sad to see people discard all the spiritual gains they have made during the Great Lent.” He then quickly added “As soon as the Apostles’ Fast starts his butt is mine.”

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For the past two Sundays, the Sunday school teachers of St. Mary & St. Mark’s Coptic Othodox Church have been striking. They are protesting what they claim is unsafe working conditions and non-existent pay. They claim they want more than the heavenly reward. So after much negotiation with Abouna and the church board, the Sunday school teachers came away claiming victory with a 75% pay increase ending the two week deadlock. The victory was short-lived when the teachers reaslized 75% of 0 was still 0.

“Please let those who did not come this week come next week” has been declared by the Holy Synod as the official prayer of Sunday School. Due to its universality, it is prayed in every church Sunday School class by at least three children every Sunday. Also cited as a reason for their decision is the “miraculous nature” of the prayer. No one is taught the prayer yet everyone knows it. A close second for consideration was “Thank you for everything. The end.”

Head deacon Boutros Boutros Abdel-Malak Malik, along with half the choir deacons was arrested for running a hymn protection racket. Apparently he would approach the groom during the traditional hour-long wait for the bride and say to him,”You know, my friend, the hymn PiEpnevama. It is a very long and difficult hymn. It would be shame for it to ruin your wedding. For a donation, I and my brothers the deacon will practice it until the bride arrives and sing it perfectly for your wedding. By the way alf mubruk.” Since most had attended weddings where the deacons botched Piepnevama badly, the quickly gave in and paid a donation. Boutros and his dastardly deacons were caught when one groom had brought his own deacons with him and turned him in, mainly out jealously because they never thought to run such a scam. Abuona Dioscorus, pastor of the church, was most trouble by this news, especially so when he found out Boutros wasn’t tithing the money he received from his protection racket. Mr. Malik released a statement through his attorneys from the firm of Theodorus,Theodorus, Leontius and Panikarus. He states that there is nothing in the Diskolia against what I did and I will be found innocent. Mr. Malik is being held with bail until trial.

Local man Mohsen AbdelMessieh, a devout and practicing Copt, finds himself wracked with guilt and confusion every Wednesday and Friday during the Blessed 50 Days. The source of his dilemma is as he states. “During the 50 Days theres no fasting of any type but for 90% of Wednesdays and Fridays of the year one is fasting. So it is ingrain that i should be fasting on these days but I’m not supposed to. I’m so conflicted.”
When Coptic News Network asked other members of the congregation if they suffered the same trials and tribulations as Mohsen. Many did not have as much difficulty adjusting. There was one fellow who insisted on remaining anonymous who seem ed to have the opposite problem of Mohsen. “What do you mean fast on Wednesdays and Fridays? You for real. You mean it wasn’t sort of scam conspiracy whipped up by the falafel stand owners.” stated this anonymous congregant before running off to hide from his father of confession.
When it was suggested to Mohsen, as a possible solution, to continue to fast on these days; he replied “Hell, no. And blow my chance to eating a cheeseburger at Friday bible study and not get beat up by abouna for it.”

AUSTRALIANS CAN’T HANDLE AN EGYPTIAN DIET
A shipment of halawa – a very sweet and heavy combination of sesame paste and sugar -caused a crisis between the Egyptian and Australian health ministries. Officials in Australia sent an angry complaint to the Egyptian health minister, claiming that many Australians suffered from stomach pains after eating the delicacy. However, the Egyptian producer of the halawa said that there was nothing wrong with the product. He shrugged his shoulders and said that Australians just weren’t used to such a heavy food in the morning. (From Al Wafd Newspaper)