Tech Support, Please

If satan had given Job a computer he would have surely cursed God then.

Here Kitty, Kitty

Of all the animals in the Holy Bible, the cat is not mentioned at all. Proof God is a dog person.

Sweet Aroma of Pray

“[Priests] shall have linen turbans on their heads and linen trousers on their bodies; they shall not clothe themselves with anything that causes sweat.” (Ezekiel 44:18)

Commentary: Even though our prayers are like the sweet savor of incense before the Lord, He is repulsed by our body odor. So all those who minister the altar of the Lord should be showered and liberally coated with deodorant.

Let’s Make a Deal

Ancient Israelites when entering an agreement with each other or swearing oaths would place their hand upon the testicles of the other persons with whom they are entering the agreement with. There are several references in the Old Testament to this practice. (e.g. Gen 24:2, 47:29)

How’s the Weather?

“If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves on the earth; And if a tree falls to the south or the north, there it shall lie.”

– Eccl 11:3

Interpertation: Apparently in the days of Solomon there were weather man whose forecasts were as meaningful and insightful as those of today, hence Solomon bemoaning his existence in Ecclesiates.

Boxers or Briefs?

“And you shall make for them linene trousers to cover their nakedness and they shall reach from the waist to the thighs. They shall be on Aaron and on his sons when they come into the tabernacle of meeting, or when they come to the altar to minister in the holy place, that they do not incur iniquity and die. It shall be a statue forever to him and his descendants after him.”

– Exodus 28:42-43

Commentary

Apparently based on this abounas, and possibly the deacons, must wear boxers not briefs to pray the liturgy

A Christmas Greeting

“Glory to God in the highest, peace on earth to men of goodwill.”
Luke 2:14

(What, can’t I send a nice normal message once and a while)

(Okay, you’re right I can’t, some might say I miss quoted above but I didn’t. This is one of the little idiosyncrisies of various English translations of the the Bible where they use an improper translation of Luke 2:14. The above is based on the original Greek and backed up by the Latin version.)

P.S. Merry Christmas

Biblical Concordance

The word piss & pisseth (meaning what you think they mean) appears for a total of 8 times in the King James Version of the Holy Bible.

(for those who are curious the verses are 2Kings 18:27, Is 36:12, 1Sam 25:22 & 34, 1Kings 14:10, 1Kings 16:11, 1Kings 21:21, 2Kings 9:8 )

Smite Ye for the Lord

“Now a certain man of the sons of the prophets said to his neighbor by the word of the Lord, ‘Strike me, please.’ And the man refused to strike him. Then he said to him, ‘Because you have not obeyed the voice of the Lord, surely, as soon as you depart from me, a lion shall kill you.’ And as soon as he left him, a lion found him and killed him.”
(1KINGS 20:35,36)

Moral:

To smack people in the head is to obey God’s word. In failing to obey this command of God’s, one risks a gruesome and painful death. So smack away, ye sons of God.

The Bald, God’s Elect

“Then [Elisha] went up from thereo Bethel; and he was going up the, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned and looked at them and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord,. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.”

2Kings 2:23-24

MORAL
Do not mock bald men. Bald men are God’s chosen people and He will defended by any means. From this passage it is clear that the prayers of bald men are greater than those with hair for God immediately hearkened to his pronouncement of the curse and visited His vengeance upon those who mocked a bald man, one of God’s elect.