Category: Biblical Exegesis

Top 7 Biblical Ways to Get a Wife

1. Find prostitute, marry her. – (Hosea 1:1-3)
2. Have God create wife while sleeping. Note: this will cost you. – Adam (Gen 2:19-24)
3. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a wife. Get tricked into marrying the wrong girl. Then work another seven years for the girl you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. – Jacob ( Genesis 29:15-30)
4. When you see someone you like, go home and tell parents, “I have seen a woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” – Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
5. Kill any husband and take his wife (Prepare to lose four sons) – David ( 2 Sam 11)
6. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter – David ( I Sam 18:27)
7. A wife? … NOT? – Paul ( 1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

thanx to p.k. for the post

Health Club Fees

“Whereupon they built a place of exercise at Jerusalem according to the customs of the heathen: And made themselves uncircumcised and departed from the holy covenant, and joined themselves to the heathens, and were sold to do evil.”

– 1 Maccabees 1:15,16

Interpretation: Apparently it was very difficult to join a health club in ancient Israel. One had to abandon God by physically (not spiritually see alternate translation below. Prepuce is another name for the foreskin) reversing his circumcision. OUCH! It leaves one to wonder where they got the prepuces from?

(And they built a gymnasium in Jerusalem, according to the laws of the nations: And they made themselves prepuces …)

Proud to be Egyptian

“You also committed harlotry with the Egyptians, your very fleshly neighbors, and increased your acts of harlotry to provoke Me to anger. ”
Ezekiel 16:26 (NKJV)

“Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.”
Ezekiel 23:19,20 (NIV)

Interpretation: Once you go Egyptian you don’t go back. (Not as catchy as the original). If it prophesied about then it is not a stereotype or myth but rather the truth for God speaks through the words of the prophets and in noo way can the Divine Inspiration of the Holy Spirit lead to falsehoods.Therefore the prophet spoke of one of the blessings set upon the Egyptian Nation. It also gives credence to a footnote in the Sir Richard Burton’s translation of “1001 Arabian Nights” where it states Egyptians are nothing more than whitewashed negroes.
So rejoice O, men and women of Egypt, for God has blessed us exceedingly.

Typo

In a 1631 edition of the King James Bible, in Exodus 20 verse 14, the word “not” was left out. This changed the 7th commandment to read, “Thou shalt commit adultery.” Most of the copies were recalled immediately and destroyed on the orders of Charles I. But there are 11 copies still remaining. They are known as the “Wicked Bible.” (The Bible museum in Branson, Missouri has one on display.)

Jerry Springer is Biblical

Then Lot went up out of Zoar and dwelt in the mountains, and his two daughters were with him; for he was afraid to dwell in Zoar. And he and his two daughters dwelt in a cave. Now the firstborn said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man on the earth to come in to us as is the custom of all the earth. “Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the lineage of our father.” So they made their father drink wine that night. And the firstborn went in and lay with her father, and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. It happened on the next day that the firstborn said to the younger, “Indeed I lay with my father last night; let us make him drink wine tonight also, and you go in and lie with him, that we may preserve the lineage of our father.” Then they made their father drink wine that night also. And the younger arose and lay with him, and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father.

Genesis 19:31-37

Interpretation: By this passage it is abundantly clear that the “Jerry Springer Show” has its origins in scripture. This program is not “trash tv” as some claim but rather a powerful evangelical tool that illuminates these difficult passages and show their applications and ramifications in everyday life.

Baby, Its Cold Outside

Now King David was old, advanced in years; and they put covers on him, but he could not get warm. Therefore his servants said to him, “Let a young woman, a virgin, be sought for our lord the king, and let her stand before the king, and let her care for him; and let her lie in your bosom, that our lord the king may be warm.” So they sought for a lovely young woman throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king. The young woman was very lovely; and she cared for the king, and served him; but the king did not know her.
1 Kings 1:1-4

Interpertation: It is not wrong to hire beautiful girls to keep you warm at night if you are cold and by the same token any enterprising young woman who wishes to earn money keeping men warm in there beds may do so.

By the way the heat doesn’t work in my apartment .

Bored to Death

“And in a window sat a certain young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep. He was overcome by sleep; and as Paul continued speaking, he fell down from the third story and was taken up dead. ” Acts 20:9

Interpretation: Being saint does not mean a person is skilled in all things nor does a person have to be to become a saint (lucky thing). As we can see St. Paul was a writer of many deeply significant epistles, and yet a dull public speaker. He may have been the only man in history to literally bore a man to death.