The only book that is printed more than the Holy Bible is the Ikea catalogue.

“If a man have a stubborn and unruly son, who will not hear the commandments of his father or mother, and being corrected, slighteth obedience: They shall take him and bring him to the ancients of his city, and to the gate of judgment, and shall say to them: This our son is rebellious and stubborn, he slighteth hearing our admonitions, he giveth himself to revelling, and to debauchery and banquetings: The people of the city shall stone him: and he shall die, that you may take away the evil out of the midst of you, and all Israel hearing it may be afraid.”
– Deut. 21:18-21

Commentary: Not only is it acceptable to grab the noisy child during liturgy or sunday school and thrash him but it is commanded of us. Also we should administer the beating in front of all as an example to the rest. Some scholars believe that if the child’s parents refuse to correct the child they too should be beaten. Since we are sons and daughters in Christ, better one suffer on earth than in the afterlife. So beat away ye stewards of Christ.

“If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her.”
– Deut. 25:11,12

Apparently Jewish women fight dirty, if you are to get in to a quarrel with a jewish man make sure his wife is not around (useful fact if you are in NYC where there are more jews than Israel)). Question is do they cut off the hand to make her let go?

“At length they saw a man coming (namely Paul), of a low stature, bald (or shaved) on the head, crooked thighs, handsome legs, hollow-eyed; had a crooked nose; full of grace; for sometimes he appeared as a man, sometimes he had the countenance of an angel. And Paul saw Onesiphorus, and was glad.”

–from the apocryphal “Acts of Paul and Thecla” 1:7

Basically it sounds like St. Paul physically looked like George Costanza

At the Political rallies of candidates you don’t like get the crowds to chant “”This is the voice of a god, not of a man.” God will strike them dead (unfortunately not so effective against evangelical candidates).

Based on Acts 12:21-23

thanks to d.h. for idea

“For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praise, and for a glory: but they would not hear.” (Jeremiah 13:11 KJV)

Commentary: Apparently Israel and the house of Judah were the Lord’s chosen for they served as the underwear of God. Most exgetical scholars believe it is underwear of a metaphysical nature, though it is a matter of heated debate whether they are boxers or briefs.

Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What’s your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah… um… ah… the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?

– from “Family Guy”

Tune in this Friday to the People’s Court (check local listings for time) to see “Copts in Court”

And the king appointed them a daily provision of the king’s meat and of the wine which he drank, so nourishing them three years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the king. Now among these of the children of Judah were: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, unto whom the prince of the eunuchs gave names: for he gave unto Daniel the name of Belteshazzar; and to Hananiah, Shadrach; and to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego. But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king’s meat, nor with the wine which he drank. Therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself. Now God had brought Daniel into favor and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs. And the prince of the eunuchs said unto Daniel, “I fear my lord the king, who hath appointed your meat and your drink. For why should he see your faces sadder than the youths who are of your sort? Then shall ye make me endanger my head before the king.” Then said Daniel to Melzar, whom the prince of the eunuchs had set over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, “Test thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days, and let them give us pulse to eat and water to drink. Then let our countenances be looked upon before thee, and the countenance of the youths who eat of the portion of the king’s meat. And as thou seest, deal with thy servants.” So he consented to them in this matter, and tested them ten days. And at the end of ten days their countenances appeared fairer and fatter in flesh than all the youths who ate the portion of the king’s meat. Thus Melzar took away the portion of their meat and the wine that they should drink, and gave them pulse.
Daniel 1:5-16

Interpretation: This passage shows that the Atkins diet is biblically based. It shows how Daniel and his friends who ate only pulse (aka beans), which are known to be high carb, were fatter than those children who only ate meat. But despite the diet being found in the Bible it is worthy to note that it was eschewed by those select of God. They were fatter by eating those foods proscribed for them by God. So being obese is an act of righteousness, and the overweigth should pray for the salvation of the thin. So be fat for Jesus

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-2. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them – (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

– Unknown from some e-mail forward