2004 December

Dec 04

Follow Up on Lesson 10

Some asked why not just tell Abouna “no you’re not forgiven” Besides cause a world of ecclesiastical trouble for both you and the priest, a true story as related to me by an older person. It occurred in their church in Egypt when they were a child. There was a priest who admittedly had no business being a priest (but those things seemed to happen quite a bit back in those days) It came to the this part of the liturgy and someone from the few people who still prayed there told abouna he refuses to forgive him. Abouna then proceeded to come down from the altar and beat the man with a shoe. (The priest in question was then as they say in Egypt sent behind the sun.) So the moral of the story is if you want to risk it make sure there are no shoes around.

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Dec 03

Spirtual vs. Physical Fitness

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Sayedna,
Is there a substitute to doing metonias? I ask because I’m really out of shape and after doing three, I blacked out. Is there something that requires less cardio-vascular endurance? I wish to truly worship God with all my heart but I don’t think it involves a heart attack. So can I just sit down then stand up and say it was a metonia?

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Dec 01

Reader Submitted Questions

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Sayedna,
Abouna told me that God loves me individually and i can speak to God as friend and tell Him all that i am thinking. So is it wrong to pray for a really hot wife or talk about really hot girls?

Your Grace,
The Bishop of my diocese hits me with his cross everytime he sees me. It really hurts and he won’t stop. Who can I turn to to for relief.

Sayedna
Would it be possible to use the picture gallery of various church websites to select a wife? Is this so wrong?

– all submitted by anonymous

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2004 November

Nov 29

Lesson 10

How to be a Wiseass No Comments »

During the liturgy right before the prayer of reconciliation, when abouna bows before the congregation and says “I have sinned forgive me”, reply in a loud voice “Since you’re really sorry I forgive you.” or something to that effect.

Note: This has occurred before. The abouna in question was unable to continue with the liturgy until he had stopped laughing (be warned this may not be a common reaction). Also I was no where involved with the incident.

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Nov 18

The Latest from the Not So Spiritual Shopping Network

NotSo Industries No Comments »

Everyone remember that lovable Billy the Singing Bass and who can forget Travis Trout. Well we at the Not So Spiritual Shopping Network (NSSSN) had our crack engineering staff improve these wildly popular products. How, you ask, can we improve on perfection? By replacing the sound chip our expert engineers did the impossible. And now we at NSSSN proudly present Kyrillous the Cod and Mina Monkfish singing either Epouro or Aripsalin respectively. Get yours now in time for Christmas.

Coming soon, Karras the cymbal playing Clam to accompany Kyrillous the Cod and Mina Monkfish.

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Nov 17

Books of the Bible

Biblical Exegesis No Comments »

Peter Griffin: Yes, we all enjoy the Bible in this house!
Francis Griffin: Really? What’s your favorite book of the Bible?
Peter Griffin: Ah… um… ah… the one where Jesus swallows the puzzle piece and the man in the big yellow hat has to take him to the hospital?

– from “Family Guy”

Tune in this Friday to the People’s Court (check local listings for time) to see “Copts in Court”

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Nov 16

Sunday School Teachers Labor Dispute Settled

Coptic News Network No Comments »

For the past two Sundays, the Sunday school teachers of St. Mary & St. Mark’s Coptic Othodox Church have been striking. They are protesting what they claim is unsafe working conditions and non-existent pay. They claim they want more than the heavenly reward. So after much negotiation with Abouna and the church board, the Sunday school teachers came away claiming victory with a 75% pay increase ending the two week deadlock. The victory was short-lived when the teachers reaslized 75% of 0 was still 0.

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Nov 08

Official Prayer Declaration

Coptic News Network No Comments »

“Please let those who did not come this week come next week” has been declared by the Holy Synod as the official prayer of Sunday School. Due to its universality, it is prayed in every church Sunday School class by at least three children every Sunday. Also cited as a reason for their decision is the “miraculous nature” of the prayer. No one is taught the prayer yet everyone knows it. A close second for consideration was “Thank you for everything. The end.”

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Nov 05

Psychological Dysfunctions of the Coptic Congregation (part 4)

Psychology of the Copt No Comments »

F.B.I.tis:

Where during important church events, such as major holidays and especially during papal visits, people who normally don’t go to church show up wearing dark suits and sunglasses and acting important. They are often wearing or carrying a badges. Almost always fake, upon closer examination of the badges will often say things as Crest Cavity Patrol or Lil’ Detective. They sometimes can be seen touching their ears as if they were wearing an ear piece. Have been known to tell people when confronted “Do you know who I am?”

Matchmaker Syndrome:

Most people are afflicted right after graduation from college. They find suddenly the old ladies of the church take a keen interest in them. Ladies who never said more than hello to the person start asking questions about their field of study, future earning potential, and idea of a perfect mate. After an impromptu ambush interview these old ladies will almost weekly thrust potential mates at the person, usually at the most inopportune times, such as entering the bathroom, having a mouth full of korban et c.. This assault does not stop until the subject is married, occasionally it will continue even after the person is married only stop after they have children.

Confused Deacon Complicated Tourettes:

A condition that mostly afflicts young inexperienced deacons. What occurs is when said deacon is placed in front of a microphone, their mind freezes and and a random phrase comes out of their mouths. At best its just the wrong response, usually it is something that ends up insulting half the congregation.

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Nov 04

What I learned from Late-Night Televangelists

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Jesus is not a genie

The devil is camped out on my doormat.

Da Man JC is apparently appropriate title for our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

For a modest donation I can receive a scrap of “miracle cloth” which through its blessings I will receive financial gain

Putting my hand on the screen with the Televangelist’s hand will forgive my sins.

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Nov 03

Politicians

Observations in Life No Comments »

“The only I will lose this election is they find either a dead women or a live boy in bed with me.”

– Eddie Edwards

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2004 October

Oct 08

Enemies, Fashion and Mothers

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Sayedna,
Its written both in Proverbs and Romans “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head.” Is the converse true meaning that if I dump coals on my enemy’s head it would be the same as feeding him and giving him drink. Because I sort of tossed a lit barbecue at my neighbor and was wondering if I needed to confess it.

Your Grace,
I know as Christians we should not do anything that supports the homosexual lifestyle or culture, so are we not allowed to wear anything by gay fashion designers? Like the way the jews control the media, gays control the fashion industry. We can’t go naked so what are we to do?

Your Grace,
My mother still hits me and yells at me like I was still five years old. This is very humiliating and embarrassing, especially when it happens in front of my grandchildren and their spouses. She won’t listen to me when I try to tell her how this makes me feel, maybe because she’s partially deaf. What can I do so I can live my twilight years in peace?

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Oct 06

On Earth As It Is In Heaven??

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

“In heaven there is no beer, thats why we drink it here.”

– from an Irish Drinking Song

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Oct 05

Why This is a black Day in History

Observations in Life No Comments »

1285 – Philip III of France died of the plague.
1450 – Jews are expelled from Lower Bavaria by order of Ludwig IX
1796 – Spain declared war on Britain in the Napoleonic Wars.
1813 – Tecumseh Native American leader dies.
1859 – An arsonist sets fire inside New York City’s iron and glass Crystal Palace, the most presitigious museum in the U.S. at the time. It burns to the ground, causing $2M damage and destroying thousands of priceless artifacts.
1864 – Calcutta, India almost totally destroyed by a cyclone – 60,000 die
1864 – Battle of Allatoona, 1/3 of Union troops die repulsing the South
1877 – After marching for more than 1,400 miles and confronting 2,000 US soldiers along the way, Chief Joseph surrendered with starving remnant of Nez Perce people.
1892 – The Dalton Gang are all killed.
1930 – The British airship R101 crashed on its first flight at Allonne, near Beauvais, France, killing 48 of its 54 passengers.
1942 – German engineer Herman Graebe witnesses a Nazi mass execution in the Ukraine.
1942 – America’s ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, George M. Cohan, died at age 64.
1954 – Blaming “conflicting career demands” for the breakup of their 9-month marriage, screen actress Marilyn Monroe filed suit for divorce in Santa Monica, California, against baseball star Joe DiMaggio on grounds of mental cruelty
1954 – Hurricane Hazel hits Eastern US
1970 – Anwar Sadat was nominated to succeed Gamal Abdel Nasser as president of Egypt.
1972 – Herbert Mullin first kills, to prevent earthquakes
1974 –
1986 – Iran-Contra Scandal breaks.
1989 – Former evengelist, Jim Bakker, was convicted by a jury in Norfolk, VA
1991 – Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch (with Loleatta Holloway) hit number one
1994 – Almost 50 members of the Order of the Solar Temple sect died in two suicide fires in Switzerland.
1998 – Infamous David Letterman stalker, Margaret Ray, age 46, committed suicide by kneeling in front of a train in Colorado.
1999 – In a move reminiscent of a strange combination of Nazi crimes committed against Gypsies and the postwar construction of the Berlin Wall, the town of Usti nad Labem in the Czech Republic begins construction of a wall to separate a portion of its Gypsy population away from more respectable folks.

October 5th is the United States most popular birth date. It seems that on average more people are born on this day than any other.an average of 12,576 people are born each year on the 5th of October and that some 968,000 Americans celebrate this day annually. It is nine monyhs after New Years Day.

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Oct 04

Coptic Imponderables

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

When abouna is at home washing dishes does he have a deacon stand beside him saying “shere pistavros” after he cleans each dish?

Do abounas put curlers in their beards when they sleep?

Is there a secret group of designers who determine the latest in trends (i.e. sleeve lengths, saints pictures on tonia, patrachelion with/out tassles etc) for deacon tunics?

What happens if your patron saint doesn’t like you?

Wouldn’t communion be Atkins friendly since its Christ’s flesh and blood, i.e. high protein?

Would you be an anchorite if went for a walk in the desert one day and got lost for a few years?

Is it normal for your father of confession to stop seeing because he claims you are bad for his spiritual life?

Do the plant which grow in the area that the baptismal water drain be considered Christian?

What if Coptic is the language of heaven?

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2004 September

Sep 24

Lesson 9

How to be a Wiseass No Comments »

When standing in church with a few people (best no clergy are present or involved) start staring or looking often towards the front of the church. Pick any point ( above and to the side of the entrance of the sanctuary is good). Just keep turning or looking in that direction eventually some will ask what you’re looking at. Point the area out and start describing something very vague. i.e.”I don’t know how to describe it. I just know it wasn’t there before. Its kind of like a hazy or cloudy patch right over there.” et. c. But do not be very descriptive or insistent. Be very casual and skeptical of what you’re supposed to be seeing, people would be more likely believe you then. Because of the power of suggestion some people will start to see the “apparition”. Being Egyptian they will repeat the story to friends and family with some embellishment and within a week or two someone who was not there will be telling you how they happened ro be in church that day when the heavens open and the saint du jour appeared.

Alternative: If you are very good with Photoshop or other photo editing software and have a digital camera. When taking pictures that you will be giving someone else. Alter one subtly, such as if there is a crowd scene maybe there happens to be saint hiding in the crowd or alter a cloud to look like someone/something. When giving the person the photos don’t mention anything or act as if you know anything. Have them notice it for themselves

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Sep 23

Deacon busted for running wedding protection racket

Coptic News Network No Comments »

Head deacon Boutros Boutros Abdel-Malak Malik, along with half the choir deacons was arrested for running a hymn protection racket. Apparently he would approach the groom during the traditional hour-long wait for the bride and say to him,”You know, my friend, the hymn PiEpnevama. It is a very long and difficult hymn. It would be shame for it to ruin your wedding. For a donation, I and my brothers the deacon will practice it until the bride arrives and sing it perfectly for your wedding. By the way alf mubruk.” Since most had attended weddings where the deacons botched Piepnevama badly, the quickly gave in and paid a donation. Boutros and his dastardly deacons were caught when one groom had brought his own deacons with him and turned him in, mainly out jealously because they never thought to run such a scam. Abuona Dioscorus, pastor of the church, was most trouble by this news, especially so when he found out Boutros wasn’t tithing the money he recieved from his protection racket. Mr. Malik released a statement through his attorneys from the firm of Theodorus,Theodorus, Leontius and Panikarus. He states that there is nothing in the Diskolia against what I did and I will be found innocent. Mr. Malik is being held with bail until trial.

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2004 July

Jul 02

A Righteous Diet

Biblical Exegesis No Comments »

And the king appointed them a daily provision of the king’s meat and of the wine which he drank, so nourishing them three years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the king. Now among these of the children of Judah were: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, unto whom the prince of the eunuchs gave names: for he gave unto Daniel the name of Belteshazzar; and to Hananiah, Shadrach; and to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego. But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king’s meat, nor with the wine which he drank. Therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself. Now God had brought Daniel into favor and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs. And the prince of the eunuchs said unto Daniel, “I fear my lord the king, who hath appointed your meat and your drink. For why should he see your faces sadder than the youths who are of your sort? Then shall ye make me endanger my head before the king.” Then said Daniel to Melzar, whom the prince of the eunuchs had set over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, “Test thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days, and let them give us pulse to eat and water to drink. Then let our countenances be looked upon before thee, and the countenance of the youths who eat of the portion of the king’s meat. And as thou seest, deal with thy servants.” So he consented to them in this matter, and tested them ten days. And at the end of ten days their countenances appeared fairer and fatter in flesh than all the youths who ate the portion of the king’s meat. Thus Melzar took away the portion of their meat and the wine that they should drink, and gave them pulse.
Daniel 1:5-16

Interpretation: This passage shows that the Atkins diet is biblically based. It shows how Daniel and his friends who ate only pulse (aka beans), which are known to be high carb, were fatter than those children who only ate meat. But despite the diet being found in the Bible it is worthy to note that it was eschewed by those select of God. They were fatter by eating those foods proscribed for them by God. So being obese is an act of righteousness, and the overweigth should pray for the salvation of the thin. So be fat for Jesus

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2004 June

Jun 30

Signs Things Are Going Downhill in the Church

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

When someone goes in to confess to abouna, people start chanting “2 men enter, 1 man leaves”

Abouna insists on a secret passage leading out of the church be built under the altar.

Pre-servant’s class besides lessons on theology and dogma have lessons on close quarter combat.

Mustaches are grafitti-ed on the icons (or removed if the saint already has one)

Instead of cymbals accompanying the hymns a boombox is used.

Deacons are armed with stun guns during processions for their own protection.

The old ladies in church are members of the local chapter of the Hells Angels.

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2004 May

May 29

Good Idea/Bad Idea II

Miscellaneous Meditations, Observations in Life No Comments »

Good Idea: Starting an intramural football league with your friends.
Bad Idea: Playing the games on Sunday during liturgy in church while wearing your tonia.

Good Idea: Getting a lot of vegetables in your diet.
Bad Idea: Considering ketchup and saurkraut from the bag adequate meal.

Good Idea: Help your friend move furniture.
Bad Idea: Helping your friend move furniture of a third friend without their knowledge.

Good Idea:Teaching the young deacons its wrong to sneak off and sleep during Bright Saturday Vigil.
Bad Idea: Leaving the young deacons tied up somewhere because they fell asleep during Bright Saturday Vigil and forgetting about them.

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May 27

Temptation

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

“Most people would like to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch.”

– Robert Orben

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May 25

Salt, Fasting and Service

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Your Grace,
When God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, was it kosher salt or sea salt?

Sayedna,
I have a serious problem that needs fasting and prayer to solve but during the fifty days we’re not supposed to fast. Do I have have to wait until the fifty days are over before seeking a solution? Could I just prayer or is this fasting and prayer stuff a packaged deal, one is no good with out the other, a spiritual bert & ernie? Or because its the fifty days, I get a divine freebie?

Your Grace,
Oddly my priest doesn’t approve of my service. I try to find the lost sheep and preach to them. Obviously they won’t be in church, otherwise they wouldn’t be lost sheep; so I have to seek them where ever they are. Is it my fault they happen to be in a strip club? Is it right to let them perish because it isn’t right for me to be in a strip club? Shouldn’t a servant bring himself to the level of those he serves?

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2004 April

Apr 22

Yet Even More Coptic Pickup Lines

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

– “Hey you wanna make your next confession more exciting?”
– Ask to borrow their agpeya/bible and slip your number into it.
– “I wish you were my Sunday School teacher, because I bet you can teach me a thing or two.”
– “I have some holy oil, if you want to be anointed.”
– “I can help have your mother stop nagging you about marriage.”
– “I’ve fasted and prayed for three days and the Lord has sent you to me.”
– “Didn’t I see you during the Easter procession?”

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Apr 16

Area Man Confused by No Fasting

Coptic News Network No Comments »

Local man Mohsen AbdelMessieh, a devout and practicing Copt, finds himself wracked with guilt and confusion every Wednesday and Friday during the Blessed 50 Days. The source of his dilemma is as he states. “During the 50 Days theres no fasting of any type but for 90% of Wednesdays and Fridays of the year one is fasting. So it is ingrain that i should be fasting on these days but I’m not supposed to. I’m so conflicted.”
When Coptic News Network asked other members of the congregation if they suffered the same trials and tribulations as Mohsen. Many did not have as much difficulty adjusting. There was one fellow who insisted on remaining anonymous who seem ed to have the opposite problem of Mohsen. “What do you mean fast on Wednesdays and Fridays? You for real. You mean it wasn’t sort of scam conspiracy whipped up by the falafel stand owners.” stated this anonymous congregant before running off to hide from his father of confession.
When it was suggested to Mohsen, as a possible solution, to continue to fast on these days; he replied “Hell, no. And blow my chance to eating a cheeseburger at Friday bible study and not get beat up by abouna for it.”

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Apr 15

Water

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Ekhristos Anesti ( or as the Militant Copt Reviewer would say “Ekhristos Aftonf and you will burn if you get the response wrong”) (I know its a few days late but the management was waylaid by some bad eggs probably laid by a chicken with poor morals but I digress)

Your Grace,
Recently we have observed that, when Abouna blesses the congregation with water during the end of service hymn, he has been taking drastic shortcuts, completely against the liturgical rites set forth by our fathers, St. Basil, St. Gregory, and St. Cyril. Our church is so big, that it takes hours to bless all the people in the traditional way. So, instead of taking a jug of water and throwing water with just his right hand, to improve efficiency, Abouna has asked a deacon to pour water into both his left and right hands, and throw water with both hands simultaneously, effectively doubling his coverage area. I didn’t think anything of it until recently he has been asking a 2nd deacon to bring a water bottle with him, and while throwing water with his hands, the deacon gives Abouna a swig of water spits water out of his mouth onto the people, essentially tripling his coverage area. Then, after a recent rotator cuff injury, Abouna had to resort to alternative measures. He purchased a Super Soaker water gun, and was able to bless the entire congregation in 2 min 15 sec flat. Then he upgraded to a fire hose, which he used until some unfortunate old lady was knock all the way across the church. Last week was the final draw when Abouna installed a sprinkler system in the roof of the church. He sprayed the entire congregation with a twist of a knob installed in the altar. Sayidna, maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel the same blessing getting sprayed by a water gun or sprinkler system.

– submitted by e.w.i.

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Apr 02

Blessings

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Your Grace,
My abouna has a restraining order placed against me keeping me from teaching Sunday School or getting near the kids. I did not do anything. All I did was come to class with a scourge like was used on Christ in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. I would have only used it on them if they misbehaved or made example of one of them. Besides it would a great blessing and honor to be treated as our Savior, following in His steps and sharing in His suffering. What can I do to convince abouna that I am actually bestowing a great blessing upon the children?

Sayedna,
Can you convince the Synod committe that deals with Church Rites to change the path of processions to totally bypass the women’s side of church. The women tend to be overzealous in taking a blessing, last Palm Sunday I suffere a concussion and was stripped of my tonia, and I wasn’t carrying anything. The poor deacon that was carrying the icon, he … lets just say the general funeral prayers weren’t so general. We’ve tried wearing police riot gear but those old women are tougher than one expected. One procession abouna disappeared, he was taken as a blessing. Luckily he was found at someone’s grandmother’s house. So for the sake of your sons the deacons, please speak to the synod on our behalf.

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2004 March

Mar 31

Deep Questions on the Old Testament

Biblical Exegesis No Comments »

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-2. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them – (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

– Unknown from some e-mail forward

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Mar 26

Safe Traveling

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

“The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I’ll walk carefully.”

– Russian Proverb

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Mar 25

More Haikus of the Fast

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Bisara, oh Lord,
Intestines exploding
Too late for Gas-X

Fava beans God’s gift
Thousands of ways to pepare
Unfortunately

Eternal question
Tamiya or Falafel
Battle rages on

Beano oh Beano
Without its help all is lost
Intestines rejoice

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Mar 23

Coptic Television Shows You’ll Never See

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Ascetic Eye for the Lay Guy

With 5 monks give lay men a monastic makeover.
Fashion Monk: You have many pieces of beautiful designer clothing get rid of them. The nature of an ascetics clothing should such that if he leaves it on the side of the road no one would look at them.
Food & Wine Monk: I’ve taken the liberty of emptying out your refrigerator and pantry. Here’s a loaf of bread and a gallon of water, I’ll be back next week and give you another loaf and more water.
Culture Monk: Its evil, the entire world is filled evil there’s little of benefit in it. Its best just to lock yourself in your room and pray.
Design Monk: You have many interesting piece of art around your apartment. They too distracting so, we going to move you into a crypt and seal you in there so you can meditate.
Grooming Monk: Why care for your outward appearance will you get into heaven because you have nice highlights? Besides what kind of man has highlights except those of questionable morals?

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Mar 22

Militant Copt reviews The Passion of the Christ

Miscellaneous Meditations, Rants No Comments »

Militant Copt (M.C.) found the movie an excellent piece cinema but there were a few issues. First M.C. found all the buzz about the film being anti-semetic a lot of non-sense. If anything the movie was anti-hamitic*. Mel Gibson completely ignores the fact Christ was ever in Egypt. Christ spent a tenth of His life there and we Copts get nothing. We get flashbacks of Christ washing his hands, joking with the Virgin Mary but nothing of Him in Egypt. He even showed Christ as a small child falling. The age Christ was in the flashback meant He probably was in Egypt (He was about 4-6 years old when the Holy Family left Egypt), but does Mel Show this at all. NNNooo!!!! Mel wanted the to be linguistically accurate, then why did he ignore Coptic? Christ would have spoken Coptic. He spent His formative years for language developement in Egypt, but did Mel have Him even utter a single word or expression in Coptic. NNNooo!! Mel totally ignored any connection Christ had with Egypt becaused the Jewish controlled media is still upset because the Egyptians were the only people in history to successfully enslave the Jews.
Secondly the sound track while nice M.C. believes it would not give the viewer the full impact of the movie so to rectify the situation. M.C. and a group of deacons decided to accompany the film with choice Pascha hymns. But imagine the shock and dismay when part way through Pekethronos security came and forcibly ejected those deacons. M.C. has a religious persecution suit against the theater pending.

* Egyptians are a hamitic people not semetic like arabs and jews.

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2003 October

Oct 31

Lesson 8

How to be a Wiseass No Comments »

When in church and anyone asks you anything, answer “God is Love.” If they disgree with you because you didn’t answer the question berate them for being ignorant of the Bible and/or claiming God is not love.

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Oct 28

Movie Roles

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Pornstar Ron Jeremy has an uncredited part in the “Jesus Christ Superstar” movie (1973 production)

Happy Start of Ramadan

Which begs he question if I fast Ramadan can I substitute it for Lent?

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Oct 24

Questions from Kids that Make Sunday School Teachers Uneasy

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Do abounas have sex? (and other various follow up questions)

How did the stylites* go to the bathroom?

My daddy doesn’t do that, does that mean he’s going to hell?

Are you really Christian?

Come on now, you can’t really believe that stuff?

What happens if abouna finds out your dating his daughter?

Why doesn’t my pet go to heaven?

Can I go to hell if I go to heaven first and find it boring?

Why aren’t you married?

* Stylites were a group of 4th & 5th century ascetics mainly in Palestine and Syria who lived on top of pillars.

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Oct 23

Tales from the Confessional (Episode 1)

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

“Abouna, i think i am going to be in big trouble and you may get mad”
to which he will reply:
“Are you saying I cause trouble?! Confession isn’t the source of trouble. Confession is the resolution to trouble. How can you say I am going to bring you trouble? Do you come to confession thinking there will be trouble?”
“No Abouna, that is not what I meant.”
“No, no, no. This is not a wise way to begin a confession. To say to a priest that he will cause trouble. How can you tell me I will bring problems? I haven’t done anything. You are the one coming to confession and telling me I am going to bring trouble and problems! No…no…no…..”

Moral, never start a confession saying “i think i am going to be in big trouble”…or you will be…however, note: it did dwarf the rest of the confession and made it look not so bad

– submitted by mk

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Oct 14

Lesson 7

How to be a Wiseass No Comments »

Using your computer make an envelope and letterhead of a fake organization (using real ones might get you in all sorts of legal trouble). But make this organization as extreme or embarrassing as possible while still remaining believable (e.g. Amateur Pornagraphers of America, Satanist’s Monthly, et c.) Then mail to victim at their workplace so as many people as possible see that your victim is associated with your fake organization.)

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Oct 13

Choking, Heretics & Love

Extreme Bishop Questions No Comments »

Sayedna,
I was wondering what should one do if someone start to choke when recieving the Body of Christ. Is it better to let the person die in a state of grace where he is literally one with Christ or to perform the Himliech Manuver and risk the Body of Christ falling on the ground and possibly being stepped on?

Your Grace,
How does on going about reporting heretics? Is there a hotline I can call? I ask because I think my Sunday School teacher is the love child of Nestorius and Arius. He agreed with some kids in the class that St. Mena was a pimp and said its okay to call St. Mary, the christokos*.So I need help starting some sort of synodal action against him.

(* a composite of real teachers)

Your Grace,
I believe my father of confession is too involved in my love life, or more accurately lack of one. Last time I went to confess, he just took me with him to his car and we went cruising for chicks. Is this normal or healthy for my spiritual growth?

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Oct 07

Lenten Loophole?

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

Medieval monks used to refer to beer as liquid bread which would allow them to drink it during lent.

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Oct 04

Strange but True.

Coptic News Network No Comments »

AUSTRALIANS CAN’T HANDLE AN EGYPTIAN DIET
A shipment of halawa – a very sweet and heavy combination of sesame paste and sugar -caused a crisis between the Egyptian and Australian health ministries. Officials in Australia sent an angry complaint to the Egyptian health minister, claiming that many Australians suffered from stomach pains after eating the delicacy. However, the Egyptian producer of the halawa said that there was nothing wrong with the product. He shrugged his shoulders and said that Australians just weren’t used to such a heavy food in the morning. (From Al Wafd Newspaper)

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Oct 03

Pass It On!

Miscellaneous Meditations No Comments »

If you love God, truly love God, none of this wimpy folk singing clapping I love you Jesus hippie, but a hardcore take a bullet for God, throw me to the lions for His sake type then forward this email to 12 people. Yes thats right 12 people! This isn’t one of those pansy emails that you email only to 10 people, how much love are you showing to God with that besides what signifigance has the number 10.
If you do not forward this email to 12 people. No salvation for you!! Thats right you read right. No salvation for you. You obviously don’t love God. And don’t think He won’t know, He created the entire universe, you don’t think He won’t know when you refuse to show Him how much you love him by forwarding this email.
And don’t think just by forwarding to 4 or 5 people, gets you off the hook. God hates that lukewarm crap. Just for that not only is there no salvation for you but you also get cast in with the sodomites in hell. Better than you deserve, you godless heathen.

Seriously, He divest Himself of His divine powers took human flesh, suffered and was crucified to show you how much He loved you and you can’t forward a lousy email to show Him how much you love Him

So unless you’re a loveless devil worshipper I’d forward this email to 12 people, not 5 not 10 but 12 people or no salvation for you.

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Oct 01

Tips for Living for Those with Impaired Self-Preservation Instincts

Observations in Life No Comments »

Never use a machete as a back-scratcher. (By the same token unless you live in the jungles you don’t need a machete)

You can not make have an entire meal of saurkrat straight from the bag.

A bow and arrow are for outdoor use only, especially if all the walls in your apartment are sheetrock.

If the bleeding hasn’t stopped in 30 minutes, you should seek a medical attention.

If the bleeding stopped but you can see bone or internal organs you should seek medical attention.

Even if you own sutures, its not advisable you do them yourself.

Expiration dates are not a suggestion.

It is best to refrain from eating things directly from the can.

Dishes should not need to become fungal cultures before washing.

Never when asked by a woman about her appearance answer in the negative.

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