“When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in His wisdom, didn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
– Emo Phillips
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“Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them? ”
– George Carlin
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A fun little article about Action Park. Remember Action Park?
Those of you who were not blessed with living in NJ or have ever gone Action Park, the article is not an exaggeration, if anything a little bit on the understated side. All those who ever been there would agree.
(link courtesy of d.h.)
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Mina Youssef Sawaris was greatly dismayed to have arrived home after work, to find his mother left him a message on his answering machine wishing him a Happy Jonah’s Feast. ” Why did I not receive the memo” he complained. “I mean if it is something as important to get its own fast and feast, there should be some sort of wide scale notification, mass e-mailing or phone call or something similar”. When informed that such things are church calendars. He replied a busy on the go physician, who is extremely successful and single, did not have time for calendars. Upon further pressing he conceded that if actually went to church he might know these things.
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* Not as romantic if their favorite hymn is Golgotha, Aripamevi or other Good Friday Hymn
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THE REAL WORLD EFFICACY OF THESE LINES HAS NOT BEEN TESTED. IF YOU CHOOSE TO USE ANY OF THESE LINES THE WRITER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SLAPPING OF THE FACE, STOMPING OF THE FOOT, OR ANY OTHER ASSORTED PAINFUL INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR. THOUGH IF YOU FIND SUCCESS WITH ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED LINES, THE WRITER IS OWED A CONSULTING FEE OF $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS TO REMITTED UPON COMPLETION OF THE WEDDING. ALSO PLEASE CONTACT THE WRITER SUCH THAT THE WRITER MAY ALSO USE SAID LINE IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT HAPPINESS.
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“Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.”
– Carl Zwanzig
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Actual things said by Sunday School kids, I wish (for the sake of the church’s future) I was making this up but its all true.
– St. Mina was a pimp
– Jesus was born in Egypt.
– St. George’s first name was Mary (as in Mari Gerges)
– The prodigal son should has just killed himself when he ran out of money
– Deuteronomy was written by St. Paul and he only wrote two epistles.
– St. Mark’s Gospel is only 3 chapters long.
– Divorce is one of the seven sacraments
– Judas was muslim.
– Israelites wander in the wilderness 40 years because they did not use a map.
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– You are mugged on weekly basis during your lesson.
– The FBI asks you to wear a wire to class.
– You watch CSI more for informational purposes than entertainment
– Abouna asks you whats RICO* and why your Sunday school kids know it better than the “Lord’s Prayer”
– Your Sunday school class finds the life story of St. Moses the Black inspirational, unfortunately the pre-repentance portion.
– “Lord of the Flies” hit a little to close to home.
– As you walk to your Sunday School class the other servants hum “Aripamevi”
– The tithes you collect from your Sunday school class is mostly counterfeit bills.
– The student try to see who breaks all Ten Commandments first.
– You feel a strong need to confess before and after class.
* Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Statute (used to prosecute Orginized Crime)
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Eskimo: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?”
Priest: “No, not if you did not know.”
Eskimo: “Then why did you tell me?””
– Annie Dillard
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“No one understands the minor difficulties a priest faces, such as never being to get a real haircut. The only day I have off is Monday and its the same day barbers take off.”
– Abouna M.B.
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“A good sermon should be like a woman’s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.”
– Ronald Knox
I bet you thats one piece of advice His Holiness never gave a priest.
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“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’.”
– Charlie Brown
The product for people with too much money on their hands (or why did I think of this and become rich)
http://www.neuticles.com/
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Mary Magdalene: Were you a good carpenter?
Jesus: It’s a good thing I started preaching.
– from 1999 tv miniseries “Jesus”
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After much anthropological observation of the Coptic male attempting a courtship ritual here are some suggestion:
1. Hitting on women does not involve physical assault. (who knew!)
2. Get the woman’s name right before talking to her.
3. If the woman is walking away from you as your talking to her, don’t yell so she can hear you as she walks away. Stop talking and retain what little dignity you have left.
4. Because she does not run away from you while you’re talking to her, its not because she’s interested in you but because she’s polite.
5. Telling her “You really need to get to know her” is not a good opening line.
6. No need for desperation, you will not shrivel up and die if you do not marry by a certain age (despite what your mother tells you in every phone call)
7. Stalking, while anectdotally successful, is not technically legal.
8. A restraining order is not playing hard to get.
9. It helps greatly if you both can speak the same language fluently.
10. Used a a patent-pending Coptic Pickup line from “Not So Spiritual Words” (there has 1 documented success!)
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“You might not fear Jesus Christ, bud, but his mom sure packs quite a punch.”
– from “Case Files: Sam & Twitch” #16
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I know its a forward but for some reason it strikes me as hilarious (wish
I could come up with stuff like this)
——— Forwarded message ———-
From: “Jane Doe”
To: CoptsTalk@yahoogroups.com
Date: Thu, 02 Jun 2005 23:44:52 -0500
Subject: [CoptsTalk] Current epidemic sweeping our culture
Dear fellow Copts and brothers and sisters in Christ,
I am writing this email anonymously. This is not my normal email address and not my normal profile so as to avoid anyone knowing who I am. Please do not try to find out who i am. The reason I am doing this will be come apparent when you read this email.
I am concerned about the problem, actually more the epidemic that is happening throughout our American culture. And our little Coptic community is a microcosm of this culture phenomenon. We are not getting married. There is a breakdown in the cultural value for family and for matrimony. As a woman, I’m writing this because I’d like to understand what is happening, especially from the man’s perspective. I think that I am not desperate, or maybe I am. But I see these beautiful young women, women that are walking with the Lord, serving, have promising careers; graceful, strong, amazing young ladies. And I just wonder, what’s going on? Where are the men? There is obviously nothing wrong with the girls. And from
what I observe there doesn’t seem to be any major issues with the guys.
So I just want to know what the issues are. I’m hoping that bringing this up will create some discussion and hopefully change the current dynamic or rather static situation. I seriously would not be so worried about it if I saw the girls getting together with the guys. But it just seems that there are more single 20
and 30 something’s then there should be.
Why does everyone make fun of some retreats calling them ‘meat markets’ and people are so cynical about other activities the churches have. Could someone please tell me what so wrong with wanting to meet someone and get hitched? What are wrong with set ups? What is the problem with coptsmatch.com? I have to be honest; something inside me has an aversion to these above-mentioned activities. But I’m wondering why? I heard once at a retreat someone telling the girls to hurry up and get married before it to late. But how can we if the men are not taking the initiative and getting to know us? And do men think that a girl in her 30′s is too old? Please be honest. What’s the truly Christian way of dealing with this? Not the Coptic way, the CHRISTIAN, BIBLE CENTERED way.
So what’s the issue? And how do we combat this situation? I hope that you guys out there will not be afraid to answer me. Maybe if we spoke about it openly we would come to some kind of understanding, Hopefully then Mars and Venus will come closer in orbit.
A few theories I have:
1. Men are afraid of commitment
2. Society and media has created the “perfect man’ and “perfect woman” to which we are comparing everyone, hence we are all picky
3. Girls are too picky so guys are afraid to ask
4. We have been taught that dating is ‘wrong’ so we chose not to date because of our reputations.
Thanks
Questioningcopt
Ps: I hope to get plenty of honest responses
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Here is a flyer of a charitable organization I wholeheartedly support and you should do the same.
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Several Sunday School Kids: “Abouna you have to get rid of this servant. You can’t let him chaperone us on any more trips.”
Abouna: “Why?”
Kids: “He’s crazy. He has these knives and guns that shoot giant darts. He shot kyrillous and put traps to kill us. And almost stabbed us.”
Abouna: “Did you misbehave?”
Kids: “No way are you crazy. He’d shoot us and we’ll be dead.”
Abouna: “Good.”
This is actual dialog and not made up.
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After Sunday Services in St. Mercurius Church, a member of the congregation identified as Mohsen Abdou Zaki ran up to church hegumen Abouna Philemon and was heard shouting, “Haha, Its the Fifty Days and I can do whatever I want and you can touch me. Na nana na na.” He then proceeded to tear off his shirt and run up and down the length of the Church screaming “Woohoo, party time!” before exiting. When Abouna Philemon was aked for his reaction he gravely stated, “It is sad to see people discard all the spiritual gains they have made during the Great Lent.” He then quickly added “As soon as the Apostles’ Fast starts his butt is mine.”
For all those ladies who think men have an easier time in public bathrooms
http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=10285
(yes men do that sort of analysis)
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“This is not one of those churches, where we tear up pages from the bible, toss them in the air and yell Holy Spirit blizzard.”
– from SeaLab 2021
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Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to be free
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore
This country always needs more Soylent Green
– from The Apocrypha Discordia
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If you want to curse , use your own name.
– God
(From a random billboard in Jersey)
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All I Know if thats what Pascha is supposed to be I would made more of an effort to attend. Gives Passion Week a whole new meaning.
Thanks to d.s.m.f.
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According to the contemorary Latin accounts of Julius Cesaer’s murder, he did not say the famous “Et tu, Brute.” but rather the greek phrase “Kai su teknon” (i.e. and you, my son)
A way to take of problems while keeping your hands clean:
http://hitman.us/main.html
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“A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.”
– unknown
Do you have what it takes to be the Falafel King (have no clue what possesses a person to create a a gane based on falafel)
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A warning to all men during this upcoming lenten season. Soybeans, tofu, and all soy products have high levels of of estrogen (i.e. female sex hormone) analogs. Consuming large quantities of estrogen will cause feminization (which if you’re a woman is fine but a virile egyptian male (see Ezekiel 23:19,20 (NIV)) is a horrible thing.)
Advice if you want to take over the world:
http://minievil.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html
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“So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.”
– Bertrand Russell
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“Happiness can’t buy you money.”
– from “The Power of Positive Pessimism”
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An interesting depiction of the Bible (especially the section on the Law) (reader submitted link)
www.thebricktestament.com
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“For as the girdle cleaveth to the loins of a man, so have I caused to cleave unto me the whole house of Israel and the whole house of Judah, saith the LORD; that they might be unto me for a people, and for a name, and for a praise, and for a glory: but they would not hear.” (Jeremiah 13:11 KJV)
Commentary: Apparently Israel and the house of Judah were the Lord’s chosen for they served as the underwear of God. Most exgetical scholars believe it is underwear of a metaphysical nature, though it is a matter of heated debate whether they are boxers or briefs.
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Title 14, Section 1211 of the Code of Federal Regulations, implemented on July 16, 1969, make it illegal for U.S. citizens to have any contact with extraterrestrials or their vehicles, yet the government denies their existence.
fun article on the ecumenical spirit
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“Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.”
.–Hungarian proverb
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Screw up the Deacons: Stand in the first row and sing as loud as you can but be either a beat too slow or a beat too fast and see how many you can throw off.
Cry Baby: If there is a little child that is looking at you see if you can make them cry (or if you want laugh) with just your facial expressions.
Find-a-Shoe: After you recieve communion as you go back to your seat take a random shoe and place by any random pew (just make sure there are not abouna’s shoes) and enjoy.
“Greek Chorus”: (based on the greek chorus from ancient plays) During the sermon (or anytime you feel like) just yell out “amen, ya rab” when Abouna says something you agree with.
Stuff It: See how many liturgy books, agpeyas, et c. you can stick in thoses book holders on the the back of the
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The X in “Xmas” stands for the Greek letter Chi, which is the first letter in Christos, the Greek word for “Christ,” and a commonly used symbol to represent the name of Christ in religious writings.
Does that mean Malcolm X was ….?
– anonymous web posting
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Not So Spiritual Words 