2009 August

Aug 28

In Greece in 1901, the publication of a translation of the New Testament in contemporary Greek led to the downfall of the government and to student demonstrations in which eight people were killed.

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Aug 27

According to the Synaxrium the only way to make sure a saint stayed dead was to cut off their head apparently burning crucifying, stretching out, sawing, breaking on a wheel and boiling in oil is not enough. Kind of like the iimmortals from “Highlander”

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Aug 26

ONE who had betrothed a maiden, corrupted her sister, so that she conceived. After that he married his betrothed, but she who had been corrupted hanged herself. The parties to this affair were ordered to be received among the co-standers after ten years [of penance] according to the prescribed degrees. – Canon 25 Council of  Ancyra

How many times did this happen that they needed to come up with an actual canon?

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Aug 26

+ THEY who have been made deacons, declaring when they were ordained that they must marry, because they were not able to abide so, and who afterwards have married, shall continue in their ministry, because it was conceded to them by the bishop. But if any were silent on this matter, undertaking at their ordination to abide as they were, and afterwards proceeded to marriage, these shall cease from the diaconate. -Canon 10 Council of Ancyra
Interesting loophole

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Aug 25
  1. You don’t care that it does not explicitly say soy lecithin when you check the ingredients during the fast.
  2. People clapping in church does not send you in a holy righteous anger.
  3. Calling someone protestant does not seem as big an insult as it used to.
  4. You no longer feel cheated when abouna prayers the three litanies inaudible during the Gospel reading.
  5. You suddenly realize, we fast alot. Seriously alot. More than 2/3 the year alot.
  6. No longer pushing to make the metonia the newest exercise fad.

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Aug 21

As is traditional in many churches on the last of St. Mary’s Fast there is a procession with the icon of the blessed Virgin around the church.  What was supposed to be a joyous blessed occasion turn to shock and horror for one young deacon in St. Theodorus Church.  Pishoy Andrawis, 18, thought he managed to score a great coup in carrying the icon in the procession, little did he know he was truly being offered as a sacrificial lamb to zealous congregants by the more experienced deacons.  The church was packed to the rafters with people after a week long revival services that had increasing attendance each day. As Andrew began the procession, he stated everything went well and that he felt he was taking part in a great blessing greater than himself.  But that all abruptly ended as he entered the womens side of the church. “It was like running the gaunlet.” He said. At first it was just the sheer number of hands reaching for the icon. Many missing the icon and hitting him, some grabbed at him to slow his progress. It became less of being part of a blessing and more a matter of survival.  Though he made the first pass a little bruised and battered but none the wors4e for the wear.

It is as he approached the womens side for the second time, did thing reach a fevered pitch. The women realized this will be the last time the icon will pass by them and redoubled there efforts to obtain a blessing.  As Andrew passed, the women not content to just touch the icon grabbed at it. It was all he could to hold on to the icon to keep it from being ripped from his hands. And those who missed the icon grabbed at him to pull him back or hold him till the go to the icon. “It was horrible. Hundreds of hands reaching and grabbing. The hands all over. I was being pulled in a dozen different directions.  They tore at my my colthes, they tore at me. My glasses disappeared. Even my shoes. They stripped me of my shoes. I don’t know how but they were gone. My shoes! Why in God’s name were they grabbing at my shoes.” Pishoy sobbed. “I even think an aunt went away with a handful of my hair.” By the time he reached the front of the church, he was stripped of most of his clothes, bloodied, missing clumps of hair and most of his dignity. The icon was hand off to another deacon since the worst was over and they threw a tonia over him to preserve what little dignity he had.  “All I want is a shower and a long stay at a monastery somewhere, far far away from women.” Pishoy stated as he curled into a fetal position.

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Aug 20

Your Holiness,

We know that Christ’s body is incorruptible and that His Divinity never parts from His humanity. So what happened to Jesus Christ’s foreskin, baby teeth and assorrted hairs that he has lost through out the years.  They will not decay as Christ is incorruptible, so they will exist until the end of time.  Also since His Divinity is irrevocably united to His humanity not even separating from His body as it lain dead in the the tomb; so these items would still have the essence of the Divine.  Would random miracles occur if a person stumbled across on one of His stray hairs or other part?

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Aug 15

The new bishop was received with open distrust, since he was suspected of secret paganism. On his arrival at a Christmas feast between the years 440 and 450, the people demanded of him a speech by which they wanted to test his orthodoxy. Undisconcerted, Cyrus gave what is probably the shortest Christmas sermon in recorded tradition:

“Brethren, let the birth of God our Savior Jesus Christ be honored with silence, since the Word was conceived in the holy Virgin by hearing alone. To Him be glory forever! Amen.”

The people were won.

-From Christ in Christian Tradition vol. 2 pt. 4

(Now if some bishops (and priests) would follow that example.)

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Aug 14

On this day also, the great father Abba Hedra, Bishop of Aswan, departed. His parents, who were Christians, raised him and taught him the fear of God since an early age. When he was 18 years old, his parents wanted him to marry one of his relatives, but he refused with the excuse that he was ill.

– Synaxarium 12th Kiyahk
thanx to m.f. for the submission

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Aug 13

Why in God’s name do women take forever to confess? Are they inherently more sinful then men? I can’t believe that (then again I am woefully ignorant on what goes on in their minds). What in Gods name would take 2.5 hours to confess. If I confess every sin I committed ever in the most painful detail, I don’t think it would take that long. Have they reach such a high spiritual state that they have entered a state of ultra-repentance?   One shouldn’t wait for confession having thoughts of bloody murder going through his head. It does not help the repenting mindset.  Its not like these women only confess once a year.  They are there almost weekly yet take more time than it takes to pray the entire liturgy ever single time. Why?!  Not only do they take forever, they don’t wait in line. Adding insult to injury.  They walk right by as if I don’t exist and I’m not the most inconspicuous person in a Coptic church.  They expect me to be chivalrous and gentlemanly and let them just go in unhindered, which I am and do (curse my proper upbringing). Maybe next time I should just tackle on of these women as they try to breeze by. Then I could just go in and just confess it, might give abouna something interesting to hear.  Or I should go in before them and take 3 hours to confess and she how they like waiting. Then again with my luck after 5 minutes abouna will be called out for something and his way back in will be ambushed by one these “ultra-repentant” matrons and I’ll be trapped sitting there in confession interuptus.  Argh.  May be Martin Luther came up with the whole protestant confess directly to God thing after waiting in line to confess behind a bunch of women?

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2009 January

Jan 27

  1. Blacks outs verses in Gift bibles given to Sunday School Kids deemed too racy.
  2. Highlights verses in personal bible deemed too racy.
  3. Listens to sermons for percieved heresies then writes a long formals complaint that is mailed to every member of the synod.
  4. E-mails sermons ideas they thought up to various clergy members
  5. Plays name that tune with hymns.
  6. Empties the some of the gunpowder out of a rifle cartridge so its weak enough to fire indoors at home. (Before anyone wonders no I have not done that nor ever would, in case you are concerned)

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2008 December

Dec 25

“The reason Santa is always so jolly is he knows where all the naughty girls live.”

– Unknown

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Dec 23

Your Grace,
When Jesus was asked why His disciples do not fast, He replied because the Bridegroom is with them. Isn’t He still with us? If we truly believe that during the liturgy He is truly present as flesh and blood on the altar, then the bridegroom is with us. Moreso if we recieve communion. Then why do we fast? We should not fast because otherwise we are denying the true presence of Christ on the altar during the liturgy.

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Dec 12
  • To prevent a greater sin
  • To prove we are a superior religion to Jews and Muslims by eating all the delicious God-allowed bacon I can
  • Because Christ is in my heart and how can I fast when the Brideroom is present (let me know if your Father of confession buys that one, I may switch)
  • Where in the bible does it say Jesus only ate beans
  • To keep from becoming diabetic (seriously do you know a monk or priest that isn’t already or on his way to beoming diabetic)
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    Dec 11

    Tired of being piked to pray in any group. To ensure you never get picked again, instead of the sign of the cross start with “In The name of God, the Compassionate, The Merciful” (Bismallah, al rahman al raheem). Extra bonus if you can recite the rest of the Fatiha (first surah of the koran). Chance are you’ll never again be asked to pray.

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    Dec 10

    Sarcasm is my gift of the Spirit.

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    Dec 08

    Hear the word which the LORD speaks to you, O house of Israel. Thus says the LORD: “Do not learn the way of the Gentiles; Do not be dismayed at the signs of heaven, For the Gentiles are dismayed at them. For the customs of the peoples are futile; For one cuts a tree from the forest, The work of the hands of the workman, with the ax. They decorate it with silver and gold; They fasten it with nails and hammers So that it will not topple. ”
    – Jeremiah 10:1-4

    He cuts down cedars for himself, And takes the cypress and the oak; He secures it for himself among the trees of the forest. He plants a pine, and the rain nourishes it. Then it shall be for a man to burn, For he will take some of it and warm himself; Yes, he kindles it and bakes bread; Indeed he makes a god and worships it; He makes it a carved image, and falls down to it. He burns half of it in the fire; With this half he eats meat; He roasts a roast, and is satisfied. He even warms himself and says, “Ah! I am warm, I have seen the fire.” And the rest of it he makes into a god, His carved image. He falls down before it and worships it, Prays to it and says, “Deliver me, for you are my god!” They do not know nor understand; For He has shut their eyes, so that they cannot see, And their hearts, so that they cannot understand. And no one considers in his heart, Nor is there knowledge nor understanding to say, “I have burned half of it in the fire, Yes, I have also baked bread on its coals; I have roasted meat and eaten it; And shall I make the rest of it an abomination? Shall I fall down before a block of wood?” He feeds on ashes; A deceived heart has turned him aside; And he cannot deliver his soul, Nor say, “Is there not a lie in my right hand?”
    – Isaiah 44:14-20

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    Dec 04

    You’ve got make them turn the other cheek
    Turn the other cheek
    Anytime anyone makes a fist,
    You punch ‘em in the beak
    It just becomes a reflex
    ’cause there is no time to think
    Stop violence while you wreak
    Righteous havoc on their cheek

    Then they’ll turn the other cheek
    Turn the other cheek
    They’ll learn about the Bible
    With your holy violent streak
    It’s the one-two punch that teaches them
    that they should keep it meek
    They’ll be up Heaven’s creek
    When they turn their other cheek.

    – from “Moral Orel”

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    Dec 03

    Having to deal with the stupider members of the congregation is very mentally and spiritually draining. This isn’t common naivete or ignorance of US customs and mores or even pious simplicity; it is out and out willful pernicious stupidity the likes of which can only be cured by application of retro-active birth control and sterilization to prevent propagation of such stupidity. Such things as complaining about the poor color quality of videotape footage of Pope Kyrillos VI (which was filmed in black & white).

    To revenge yourself on such members, find them and ask them the most stupid inane question that requires an elaborate answer and keep asking insisting until they give an answer. Even when they answer keep asking as if you didn’t understand. If done successfully you have frustrated to the point where they refuse to speak to you again

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    Dec 03

    Having to deal with the stupider members of the congregation is very mentally and spiritually draining.This isn’t common naivete or ignorance of US customs and mores or even pious simplicity; it is out and out willful pernicious stupidity the likes of which can only be cured by application of retro-active birth control and sterilization to prevent propagation of such stupidity. Such things as complaining about the poor color quality of video with footage of Pope Kyrillos VI (note the footage was in black and white to start with).

    To revenge yourself on such members, find them and ask them the most stupid inane question that requires an elaborate answer and keep asking insisting until they give an answer. Even when they answer keep asking as if you didn’t understand. If done successfully you have frustrated to the point where they refuse to speak to you again.

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    Dec 02

    As you shop for gifts to exchange on the modern day bacchanalia that Christmas has become. The management Not So Spiritual Words has decided to highlight various products through out the holiday season.

    First product are those who believe cleanliness is next to godliness. Salvation through Soap. (note the directions for use)
    http://store.washawayyoursins.com/index.html

    (thanx d.f. m&t.g.)

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    2008 November

    Nov 29

    George Mansour and his family thought they were going to sit to a traditional American thanksgiving dinner. Their idyllic plans were suddenly shattered by a simple innocent phone call that had dire repercussions for the family. Mr. Mansour states he was sitting at home watching television as his wife and children were setting the table and preparing dinner when he received a call from his parish priest wishing him and his family a happy thanksgiving, “He would not take up much of my time since I am probably eagerly awaiting to eat the turkey. I agreed with him and told how excited I was also to eat creme caramel since my wife rarely makes it.” Within a minute of hanging up the phone with the priest Mr. Mansour and family found themselves the object of a clerical raid. “I hung up the phone and the next thing I know, the world went black. I was surrounded by black and beards.” he stated gravely. The family was then forced to perform metonias while the taskforce emptied the house of non fasting foods and then left as suddenly as they appeared. Even the apparent humor in seeing his mother-in-law, who is as wide as she is tall, attempt to do a metonia could not bring levity to the situation in Mr. Mansour’s mind. “It was like a Coptic Inquisition. Nobody expects the Coptic Inquisition”
    A spokesperson for the Council of Coptic Bishops Serving in the United States released a statement saying,”While we find such extreme measure unfortunate but necessary as a majority of the congregation refuse to fast the start of the Advent fast for the sake of eating turkey. A bird has gained greater importance in the minds of these people that the Incarnation of our Lord and Savior. It is better that people learn a difficult lesson now than come judgment day and the Lord asking where is your turkey now?”

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    Nov 28

    Happy Thanksgiving All.
    Hope you all enjoyed your meal with turkey and all the trimmings?

    (If you answered yes to above question you all will burn in Hades for your love of devouring a bird so stupid it will drown in the rain is greater than your desire to fast in to properly prepare yourself for the coming of your Savior in the flesh, humbling himself from the heights of glory to be incarnate and born in a manger)

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    Nov 14

    Your Grace,
    If I become a vampire, could I live just by drinking blood of Christ during communion.

    Sayedna
    Is there a hotline to call if I suspect my abouna is actually a terrorist. I see pictures of them on the news and they look very much like some of our priests. Seriously if they were dressed in black I couldn’t tell the difference. Is there some sort of code word that real priests have, so I don’t accidentally get abouna sent to Gitmo, even though he might enjoy the vacation away from our congregation. It might not go so well with me in confession with him if I did.

    Your Grace,
    Is wrong if your father of confession starts pimping you out? For example makes an appointment for you to confess you show up and find a girl waiting for you in his office.

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    2008 October

    Oct 31

    GBU – God Bless You
    KE – Lord Have Mercy (Kyrie Eleyson)
    IKYRHIG – I kiss you right hand in greeting. (Would be useful in communicating with clergy)
    IBDKRHIG – I bow down and kiss your right hand in greeting. (Good for bishops)
    PP – probably Protestant
    IAH – I anathemize you, heretic.
    IBM – Insh’allah, bokra, malish (loosely translated: no chance in hell)
    CTMR – Can’t talk Mulsims in the room.
    OTL – Off to Liturgy
    22 – My God why have You forsaken me?

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    Oct 30

    In New Mexico, over eleven thousand people have visited a tortilla chip that appeared to have the face of Jesus Christ burned into it.

    In 1996, the owner of Bongo Java in Nashville, Tenn., said he discovered a cinnamon bun bearing the likeness of Mother Teresa in profile.

    (Surprised we haven’t had such “miracles” in the Coptic church)

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    Oct 29

    Kissing Booth: Have a booth with casts of the hands of H.H. and other bishops and priests for people to kiss.

    Gypsy Children: Have the 1st or 2nd grade kids (the cuter the better) wander about selling candy or other small items. Crying when the person refuses. Guilts most into buying.

    Older Gypsy Children: While people are pre-occupied with the little ones. These pick the pockets of the people

    Make a Miracle: A booth where you photoshop composite pictures taken of customers with H.H. or other prominent clergy members or even saints. (Sad but you’d be suprised at the income this generates.)

    Relic Raffle: Raffle off such “relics” as a cup the pope drank from, a bishop’s handkerchief, et c.

    For those who dislike either political candidate for president. Here is a Coptic alternative (the entire site is worth a look):(thanx m.g.)
    http://blessingforamerica.com/index.html

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    Oct 09

    Do you feel inadequate in church?
    Want to be capable of doing metonias all night long?
    Afraid your significant other will leave you for some one who performs better in prayer?

    Then try AGPEIA (horologion) ecclesiastically prove to improve ones spiritual life. Just 20 minutes 7 times a day and find yourself the prayer warrior you always knew you were.

    Act know and get PSALMODIA (psalmody) free. Great for that late night boost.

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    Oct 08

    If in a position to do so or have some influence, with a newly ordained priest, have all the deacons serving in the altar be young and inexperienced. Then give them instructions like, during incense rounds the deacon needs to race Abouna around the altar or they need to scream out the responses in as loud a voice as they can. The inexperience of all involved will provide amusement.

    Disclaimer: If things are traced back to you, chances are good you will suffer some sort of ecclesiastical punishment.

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    Oct 07
  • Offer free lib (the good stuff, the lib from Egypt that comes wrapped in brown paper, no inferior sunflowerseeds.)
  • Claim you are showing an uncensored movie about the life of St. Mary of Egypt (would work well with the male demographic)
  • Involve free food.
  • To attract the older demographic, say it is a youth only meeting. You will find the room filled with 60+ yr olds.
  • Start vague rumors that the pope will be there.
  • Hold the meeting at the place the kids go to avoid the meeting.
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    Oct 06
  • How can a family have the last name of El Raheb (the monk)? (unless ascetic shenanigans occurred)
  • How do smurfs reproduce since Smurfette, the only female smurf, was not a real smurf but created by Gargamel, to trick them so he can capture them and turn them into gold. Hey there is a biblical parallel to the fall of man also caused by the female.
  • Who would win a Synod battle royale? (my money is on His Grace Bishop Suriel)
  • If I start singing Amen, alleluia zoxa za patri… (i.e. the conclusion hymn) would others follow along forcing the speaker to stop.
  • Did the apostles occasional have sermons that fell flat?
  • I crush your head (a la Kids in the Hall)
  • My God, my God why have you forsaken me?
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    2008 September

    Sep 16

    “See with what large letters I have written to you with my own hand!”
    Gal. 6:11

    Commentary: Apparently the Galatians as a people suffered from poor vision (or used it as an excuse to ignore him), forcing St. Paul to write in such big letters and to state that they are such large letters that can not be ignored.  In essence St. Paul can be credited from creating the first easy reader text for the vision impaired.

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    Sep 15

    Forget about smoking sheesha, apparently everybody should be smoking shoria.
    http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/05/080520110415.htm

    (Though you’d think with the number of liturgies priests pray they wouldn’t be so stressed.)

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    Sep 11
  • Show up to church dressed as Diocletian.
  • Show up to church dressed as Diocletian and martyr a few members of the congregation (though if you pick the right ones you may be lauded as a hero)
  • Pop the cork off of bottles of champagne in church (aiming at people  is optional)
  • Running around Times Square asking “Wheres our ball?”
  • Calling Jews and mocking them that your New Years comes before theirs.
  • Wear giant novelty glasses in the shape of 1725 not necessarily inappropriate but stupid and tacky)
  • Have the church choir sing Prince’s 1999 just replacing 1999 with 1725
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    Sep 09

    Traditionally during the Fast of St. Mary’s many churches hold revival services. During which many spiritual songs regarding St. Mary are. During the singing  of one, whose refrain translates roughly as “Hurry up and appear, hurry with all your light shining forth.”, Ms. Nahed Yousri, 16, had a panic attack screaming out “Shut up all of you, what if she does appear. Shut up”.  She began running up and down the church trying to convince people to stop singing. Even to the point of running up and yanking the microphone from the deacon leading the song.  Only when she continued the the tantrum, was she restrained and her nerves calmed with a shot of sacramental wine.

    One witness, a Tant Um Mahrous, through an interpreter, stated, “I did not know why the girl was screaming. When I saw her rip away the microphone from the deacon I thought I understood, because God forgive me but he has a voice that would cause St.Mary to blaspheme. But she kept screaming afterwards so I did not understand why, maybe it is drugs. You know all those kids take the drugs they get it from all those foreign kids in school.” After Ms. Yousri had calmed down and sobered up she explained her actions. “We keep singing asking her to appear but noone thinks of what we would do if she did show up. I would pee myself, personally. For some reason I thought she might actually appear this time so I had to keep it from happening. I didn’t want to pee myself.”

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    2008 July

    Jul 21

    Through many years of observation we here have found many coptic males are inept in social interactions with women. So as a public service here is the:
    The Not So Guide to What Not to Say

  • Do not ask her what kind of car she drives, unless you are a mechanic and have a professional interest.
  • Women, oddly enough, do not find it romantic, when you tell them you’d kill for them.
  • Inquiring about her citizenship status is not sexy.
  • Know her name, women tend to get offended when you call them by other peoples names.
  • Its okay to ask her what she does for a living not how much she makes, unless you are her accountant.
  • Complement her on clothes or looks but do not take excessive interest in her clothes, it will creep her out and have her think you are gay.
  • Quoting from Song of Songs has potential just be careful of what you choose. “How much better than wine is your love,” or “You have ravished my heart With one look of your eyes,” are decent choices. “Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon” or “Your hair is like a flock of goats” are not good options.
  • She will not become weak in the knees upon finding out you are a doctor.
  • Do not mention anything having pets unless they are of the very cute warm fuzzy variety (any thing with more or less than 4 limbs does not qualify as either cute or fuzzy)
  • Befriending her brother in hopes of getting closer to her is a losing proposition. Her brother probably has all the friends he wants and may react badly to your attempts.
  • While she may have great hips for child-bearing, it not something to be brought up in conversation with her, ever!
  • Disclaimer: No I did not learn any of this through first hand experience. Okay maybe the pet thing.

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    Jul 09

    Real World: Wadi El Natroun: See what happens when you take seven hermits and stick them in the same cell
    Church: An abrasive priest goes around solving the spiritual ills of the congregation.
    Relics: A team of scientists determine a saints lifestory based on their bones.
    Battlestar Galactica: What, not everything has to be a Coptic parody and I really like the show, which would never air on Aghapi
    Welcome Back, Kyrillos: A former sunday school troublemaker comes back as sunday school teacher for a class of trouble makers (wait this might actually make a good show)
    Beauty and the Deac: Deacons are paired with fashion models as they compete for a prize and learn about each others worlds.
    Survivor: Deir Abu Makar: ’nuff said
    Iron Chef Coptic: Cooking competition where the secret ingredient is always fava beans (because God knows Egyptians have come up with a thousand ways of cooking them)

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    Jul 07
  • Jesus was born in Cairo
  • Deuteronomy was written by St. Paul, who only wrote two epistles
  • Jesus could beat up Superman
  • The story of St. George appears in the bible
  • We look to the east when we pray so we can see the sun rise.
  • (Sad thing is I’m not making these up and they come mostly from high school age kids)

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    Jul 02

    There is a thin line when being a Sunday School Teacher of when to be proud of your kids, especially when the is not much to be proud of. Here is a little guide:

    Proud: None of your sunday school kids have been arrested or put in jail…
    Not Proud: It is because they are smart enough to avoid the police and leave no evidence..

    Proud: They show great zeal for the faith…
    Not Proud: Because of their zeal burn down a local mosque…

    Proud: Your kids perform acts of community serivce…
    Not Proud: Because it was legally mandated.

    Proud: Your sunday school kid entered the monastery…
    Not Proud:  It is to evade the law…

    Proud: Your kids won a spiritual/bible competition.
    Not Proud: The did so by intimidating the judges and other teams,

    Proud: They donate quite a bit to charity…
    Not Proud: it is to launder money obtained by running a protection racket on other classes.

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    2008 May

    May 26

    In the old days, they would take disobedient children to the the city gates and stone them to death (Deut 21:18-21). I look and see many of you today should get stoned.”

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    May 23

    Based on the website below, apparenly there is a new glorification hymn to St. Athanasius

    http://www.avarewase.org/en/map/athanas.htm

    You might in error think its Bette Mider’s “Wind Beneath My Wings” but actually an ancient hymn whose lyrics were found on a papyri found whille excavating cells in Scete. Translation of the lyrics below.

    New Glorification For St. Athanasius
    Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
    Arius plunged the world into shadow.
    You enlightened us with the true Glory,
    and for this you are called the Apostolic.
    He died on the toilet in shame.

    With red beard*, a fire in the soul for Truth,
    Short* yet a giant at Nicea.
    You, with your theologically strong pimp hand,
    Bitch slapped the heretical Arius.

    You are the super heretic smasher,
    and defender of Orthodoxy.
    Through your prayers justice was served and
    Arius crapped out his bowels.

    Athanasius you taught the true faith,
    and I’ve got it all here in my heart.
    I want all to know I know the truth, of course you know it.
    Christ is true God from true God.

    You are the super heretic smasher,
    and defender of Orthodoxy.
    Through your prayers justice was served and
    Arius crapped out his bowels.

    You are the super heretic smasher,
    and defender, defender of Orthodoxy.
    Through your prayers, your prayers justice was served and,
    Arius crapped out his bowels,
    Arius crapped out his bowels.

    Oh, the heretic smasher. . .
    (the final portion of the papyrus was obscured with a stamp stating anything stolen from the monastery could not be considered a blessing, thus could not be translated. Perhaps after some restoration work)


    * documented historically that St. Athanasius was a red head and of slight stature.

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    May 22

    As servants we oft joke about our sunday school class being possessed but because we joke about it does not mean its not true.

  • Has tried to kill/sacrifice other kids in the class during the lesson.
  • When asked favorite Apostle, replies Judas.
  • Shows up to class in corpsepaint
  • When get sprayed by water at the end of liturgy, scream out in pain “It burns”
  • When the child’s name is mentioned, people immediately cross themselves
  • Is the child of fellow servants (strange how they seem to be the worse behaved often)
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    May 21
  • Indoor/outdoor industrial carpeting is not metonia friendly (neither is a floor length tonia)
  • Pascha is not just another name for Holy Week but also a strip club in Germany.
  • Having women exposing themselves to breastfeed does not add to spirituality of the rites.
  • When performing metonias proper spacing and synchronization with the person in front and behind you are key in avoiding having body parts end up where they have no business being.
  • Processional crosses and ceiling fans do not mix.
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    2008 April

    Apr 16

    Videos by the Westboro Baptist Church (Apparently as Christian I haven’t been hating enough) Might not be the best thing to watch at work.
    http://www.signmovies.net/videos/music/index.html

    God Hates the World is a must watch.

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    Apr 16

    “I feel most ministers who claim they’ve heard God’s voice are eating too much pizza before they go to bed at night, and it’s really an intestinal disorder, not a revelation. ”

    ~Rev. Jerry Falwell

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    Apr 15

    Compulsive Recorder: This person will have a tape recorder or two with him and record every liturgy or service from the beginning to the very end, during which he is writing the label with extreme detail. There is a sub group who will use video cameras. It is unknown why they do this (possibly to have an alibi when suspected of terrorist acts) there is no way possible to listen to said recordings more than once…and honestly some liturgies are painful enough the first time and not keepers. They are harmless unless mention of the recordings is made to them then they become defensive.

    Pseudo-Theologian: This person believes themselves following in proud tradition of Sts. Athanasius, Cyril and Severus, but they are more like Arius, Nestorius and Eutyches. They mistake being vehement for being correct. They try to work the 3 or 4 Bible verses they know into any argument relevant or not. Also they have been know to quote from the Koran thinking they spouting out Bible verses. They have been know to initiate theological discussions to show off. It is suggested all discussion with them is avoided because extended conversation with them have been known to cause one to lose their religion (mainly because they don’t want to be members of a faith that have the aforementioned belong to).

    Clergy Cultist: These people follow clergy with a fanatical loyalty, believing that the sun rises and sets at the priest’s whim. That every word that they speak is Gospel, actually to the point of ignoring scripture in favor of the words of the clergy. These people may become suicide bombers. The extreme opposite psychosis also exists where they believe the clergy are utterly corrupt and lazy, it is unclear why the even bother coming to church.

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    Apr 14

    Want that photo of the family picnic to spread like wild fire throughout the Coptic community? Do you wish to have the Holy Synod to issue a statement about the picture of your latest sunday school event? Then leave it to us at Miraculous Moments, a subsidiary of NotSo Industries, where for a modest fee we turn the mudane into the miraculous. We perform all sorts of miracles, from a subtle apparitions to full out assault by the heavenly choirs.

    Satisfaction guaranteed.

    Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any loss of salvation, lightening strikes from above, angry visitation by saints or any other divine calamity that may result from use of our services.

    <!–entry

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    Apr 11

    Hey There Nestorius
    by the Plain White Tonias

    Hey there Nestorius
    Whats it like in Byzantium?
    I write from Alexandria
    And I give a last chance to recant
    Your heresy
    Because your teaching of Christotokos is
    Anathema

    Hey there Nestorius
    Don’t dare think your friends can save you
    I’ll excommunicate them too.
    So give this warning another read
    and confess.
    Saying she is the Christokos
    Is only lies

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    The theotokos

    Hey there Nestorius
    I know times are getting hard
    But just believe me, Sir
    His humanity and divinity
    Ne’er divided
    St. Mary gave birth to our God
    The word in truth

    Hey there Nestorius
    I’ve got so much left to say
    If She just gave birth to humanity
    When did He became God
    E’er united
    Humanity and Divinity
    One hypostasis

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos

    A thousand miles seems pretty far
    But I will be there in Ephesus
    I’d walk to there if I had no other way
    To explain to you, your folly
    One prosopon, two prosopa. Nonsense.
    You’re not as clever as you think.
    Nestorius I can promise you
    That by the time we get through
    The world will never ever be the same
    And you’re to blame

    Hey there Nestorius
    You’re a patriarch yet you teach
    You can’t worship God as a baby
    And I’ll be making history like I do
    You’ll be anathema forever
    Because you refuse to see the truth
    Hey there Nestorius, She’ll get you
    Mother of God

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    The theotokos

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    Apr 09

    The Egyptian arabic curse words meaning “to copulate” and “female genitalia” (if you don’t know them I’m sure you parents would be glad to tell you them) are actually Coptic in origin.

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    Apr 08

    Smells Like Deacon Spirit
    by Salvation

    Open the books
    Bring your friends
    Its fun to praise
    And to pretend
    Shes a deacon
    Myself assured
    I chant I chant
    A paschal psalm

    Ougai* (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    I’m worse at what I do best
    And for this gift I feel blessed
    Our little choir has always been
    And always will until the end

    Ougai (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    And I forget
    The hymns real tune
    And yet I guess and sing it out loud
    I found it hard
    Its hard to find
    Oh well, whatever, nevermind

    Ougai (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    * Ougai: Coptic Greeting (means salvation)

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    Apr 07
  • Growing fava beans in ground meat hoping they end up tasting like beef.
  • Tell your FOC you are suffering greatly from the sin of spiritual pride and then bring up the following saying of St. Isidore “If you fast regularly, do not be inflated with pride, but if you think highly of yourself because of it, then you had better eat meat. It is better for a man to eat meat than to be inflated with pride and to glorify himself.”
  • Painting cows green and taping leaves to them trying to convince priests its a plant.
  • Just claim its made of soy (may work with some items, but suspicious clergy will then ask for a taste, results usually not good then)
  • Find a doctor will to write you a note claiming you must eat meat daily.
  • Get pregnant (Not recommend for unmarried females. Unfortunate this leaves men out)
  • <!–entry

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    2008 April

    Apr 16

    Videos by the Westboro Baptist Church (Apparently as Christian I haven’t been hating enough) Might not be the best thing to watch at work.
    http://www.signmovies.net/videos/music/index.html

    God Hates the World is a must watch.

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 16

    “I feel most ministers who claim they’ve heard God’s voice are eating too much pizza before they go to bed at night, and it’s really an intestinal disorder, not a revelation. ”

    ~Rev. Jerry Falwell

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 15

    Compulsive Recorder: This person will have a tape recorder or two with him and record every liturgy or service from the beginning to the very end, during which he is writing the label with extreme detail. There is a sub group who will use video cameras. It is unknown why they do this (possibly to have an alibi when suspected of terrorist acts) there is no way possible to listen to said recordings more than once…and honestly some liturgies are painful enough the first time and not keepers. They are harmless unless mention of the recordings is made to them then they become defensive.

    Pseudo-Theologian: This person believes themselves following in proud tradition of Sts. Athanasius, Cyril and Severus, but they are more like Arius, Nestorius and Eutyches. They mistake being vehement for being correct. They try to work the 3 or 4 Bible verses they know into any argument relevant or not. Also they have been know to quote from the Koran thinking they spouting out Bible verses. They have been know to initiate theological discussions to show off. It is suggested all discussion with them is avoided because extended conversation with them have been known to cause one to lose their religion (mainly because they don’t want to be members of a faith that have the aforementioned belong to).

    Clergy Cultist: These people follow clergy with a fanatical loyalty, believing that the sun rises and sets at the priest’s whim. That every word that they speak is Gospel, actually to the point of ignoring scripture in favor of the words of the clergy. These people may become suicide bombers. The extreme opposite psychosis also exists where they believe the clergy are utterly corrupt and lazy, it is unclear why the even bother coming to church.

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 14

    Want that photo of the family picnic to spread like wild fire throughout the Coptic community? Do you wish to have the Holy Synod to issue a statement about the picture of your latest sunday school event? Then leave it to us at Miraculous Moments, a subsidiary of NotSo Industries, where for a modest fee we turn the mudane into the miraculous. We perform all sorts of miracles, from a subtle apparitions to full out assault by the heavenly choirs.

    Satisfaction guaranteed.

    Disclaimer: We are not responsible for any loss of salvation, lightening strikes from above, angry visitation by saints or any other divine calamity that may result from use of our services.

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 11

    Hey There Nestorius
    by the Plain White Tonias

    Hey there Nestorius
    Whats it like in Byzantium?
    I write from Alexandria
    And I give a last chance to recant
    Your heresy
    Because your teaching of Christotokos is
    Anathema

    Hey there Nestorius
    Don’t dare think your friends can save you
    I’ll excommunicate them too.
    So give this warning another read
    and confess.
    Saying she is the Christokos
    Is only lies

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    The theotokos

    Hey there Nestorius
    I know times are getting hard
    But just believe me, Sir
    His humanity and divinity
    Ne’er divided
    St. Mary gave birth to our God
    The word in truth

    Hey there Nestorius
    I’ve got so much left to say
    If She just gave birth to humanity
    When did He became God
    E’er united
    Humanity and Divinity
    One hypostasis

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos

    A thousand miles seems pretty far
    But I will be there in Ephesus
    I’d walk to there if I had no other way
    To explain to you, your folly
    One prosopon, two prosopa. Nonsense.
    You’re not as clever as you think.
    Nestorius I can promise you
    That by the time we get through
    The world will never ever be the same
    And you’re to blame

    Hey there Nestorius
    You’re a patriarch yet you teach
    You can’t worship God as a baby
    And I’ll be making history like I do
    You’ll be anathema forever
    Because you refuse to see the truth
    Hey there Nestorius, She’ll get you
    Mother of God

    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    Oh She’s the theotokos
    The theotokos

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 09

    The Egyptian arabic curse words meaning “to copulate” and “female genitalia” (if you don’t know them I’m sure you parents would be glad to tell you them) are actually Coptic in origin.

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 08

    Smells Like Deacon Spirit
    by Salvation

    Open the books
    Bring your friends
    Its fun to praise
    And to pretend
    Shes a deacon
    Myself assured
    I chant I chant
    A paschal psalm

    Ougai* (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    I’m worse at what I do best
    And for this gift I feel blessed
    Our little choir has always been
    And always will until the end

    Ougai (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    And I forget
    The hymns real tune
    And yet I guess and sing it out loud
    I found it hard
    Its hard to find
    Oh well, whatever, nevermind

    Ougai (x 16)

    Light the candles its fire hazard
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    I feel off-key and sacreligious
    Here we are now
    Play the deff for us
    A mu’allem
    An agnostos
    A hegomen
    My trianto
    Yea

    * Ougai: Coptic Greeting (means salvation)

    <!–entry

    <!–post

    Apr 07
  • Growing fava beans in ground meat hoping they end up tasting like beef.
  • Tell your FOC you are suffering greatly from the sin of spiritual pride and then bring up the following saying of St. Isidore “If you fast regularly, do not be inflated with pride, but if you think highly of yourself because of it, then you had better eat meat. It is better for a man to eat meat than to be inflated with pride and to glorify himself.”
  • Painting cows green and taping leaves to them trying to convince priests its a plant.
  • Just claim its made of soy (may work with some items, but suspicious clergy will then ask for a taste, results usually not good then)
  • Find a doctor will to write you a note claiming you must eat meat daily.
  • Get pregnant (Not recommend for unmarried females. Unfortunate this leaves men out)
  • <!–entry

    <!–post

    <!– page nav