An advice column for all things Coptic Orthodox those lukewarm sinners who will be vomited out of the mouth of Christ come Judgment Day.

All my friends are on various social media networks and want me to join. Should 1?

Hmmm… An interesting question for this modern age. First we look to the church fathers and much was written about the virtue of silence. So basically summarizing their position, no. Just shut up because you have nothing of any benefit to anyone to say. Not only that you but you are dragging yourself into hell and everyone in earshot by your tongue.

Though, technically, with social media you are not speaking so it opens an interesting avenue of speculation and discussion. So after many prayers and metonias, I came up with the answer of, “No!”. Why would one partake of such nonsense?! You say it is so you can post bible verses to uplift and edify your friends. I have a secret for you… The Bible is full of bible verses. Why do I need to read your post with only one verse when I can read thousands of them in the Bible and I can read them with out the internet.

You may say but it will help you keep in touch with your friends. Really, why not see them and call them; because otherwise you cannot convince me these are real people. They are imaginary. They could be the creation of the imagination of some sweaty obese South Korean man living in a basement who consider this going outside interacting with the public between rounds of Starcraft. If you want to have friends you can’t see make friends with the saints. At least they will benefit you in your life. Seriously how many people has your twitter follower @Coptic4Life_777 cured of cancer? I can tell you. Zero! St. Mary on the other hand, tens of thousands if not more. Also she does not annoyingly inviting you to like thing or other on Facebook.

But it helps me tell my non-orthodox friends about the faith. What??!! You have non-orthodox friends, how dare you consort with heretics whom our church fathers fought against to maintain the one true holy apostolic faith. Unless you are a theologian well read in the fathers, these non-believing minions of the devil will lead astray with their questions and confuse you and before you know it you will be sharing and liking their prosyletizing materials leading people to fiery perdition because you think its cute or catchy and it mentions Jesus and God because you in your foolish pride do not realize because something that claims its Christian does not mean it is Orthodox. So you fail. What if say you make sure the stuff you share is Orthodox from Orthodox source like these photoshop decorated pictures. Then I anathemize you.

You may say but Pope and Lord Archbishop of the Great City of Alexandria and Patriarch of All Africa on the Holy Orthodox and Apostolic Throne of Saint Mark the Evangelist and Holy Apostle His Holiness Anba Tawadrous II has a twitter account. Well I’m petitioning to Holy Synod to stop it. What use is a Papal encyclical of a 140 characters or less? Besides what can he do in that few words. Also if I wanted to reply to a tweet or dm him by the time I write the proper greeting “@PopeTawadros I bow down before you and kiss your right hand in greeting. Asking your blessing, your Holiness.” all I have left is 30 character leaving no room to leave a meaningful message. Useless.

Also the time you waste looking connecting to imaginary people who will benefit you nothing, you should spend it in prayer, metonias and meditation; the true social media connecting to your true friend God.