taken from the Pithless Thoughts blog by Steve Robinson
(more things like that can be found on his blog and book Orthographs )
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There is a man who while his name is unknown and has a massive positive impact on the fasts of Orthodox Christians across the country. His work bring a subtle sublime joy to our communal worship not unlike a grace of the Holy Spirit. His work brings a healing touch to those who suffer during the fasts. Among themselves monks and members of the Synod have spoke with great enthusiasm to each of his work and recommend it to each. With the fruits of his labor it lessens certain distractions from within and without which allow us to enter into deeper spirituality. He truly is a defender of the fast.
This man is the inventor of Beano.
Its a shame the Orthodox church does not have a formal canonization process but if enough people venerate him, he could be accept as a saint by popular acclaim. Axios, axios, axios Mr. Beano.
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A fun game to play during any fasting period is Siyam Russian Roulette. At a gathering of friends or any pot luck prepare a food that resembles a non-fasting food item like soy kofta or other such culinary mockeries. In the midst of them hide a full on non-fasting version in the midst. Watch as your hapless victims eats it and has the recognition of something is not quite right has just happened. Even better is watching them deal the sudden gastric distress that occurs with the sudden ingestion of animal fat and protein.
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A quick tutorial for those budding psalmist on how to write a mediha, those long odes usually sung during communion or various feast days.
– Always choose rhyme over reason
– Throw in random Coptic words or phrase
– If writing in Arabic; bonus points for using Arabic terms heavily present in muslim texts (eg: ra7man, tawwaab, 3′afoour, shareef)
– If writing in English, bonus points for using vaguely Protestant sounding phrases (e.g. justified by His blood, Millenial reign etc )
– Extra bonus points for anti-semitic remarks (both Jewish and Arab)
– Strike the fear of God in the faithful by focusing on the horrors of hell. (Feel free to meditate, exaggerate and embellish on what will happen to the unfaithful)
– Place your name or a hint about yourself towards the ending as a sinner asking for everyone’s prayers
– If in doubt about the length add another 20 verses
Thanks to F.H.W. for this one
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The greatest evil to befall the Coptic Orthodox church is not the Melitan Schism nor the the scourge of the Arian and Nestorian heresies nor is it the persecutions after the Chalcedonian Schism nor is it even the Islamic invasion and conquest of Egypt and all the woes that have befallen since. Also the evil of the secularism of the the modern day and the happy clappy christian syncretism that is slowly creeping in due to ignorance of God’s people both pale in comparison to this evil inflicted upon the Coptic Orthodox church.
This evil is PHOTOSHOP!!! How many more pious atrocities must the faithful Copt endure. We were silent when St. Mary floating over a field of flowers was made. We were silent when saint icon cut and paste group photos were created. We were silent when St. George on a rainbow background with a Jesus head shooting laser beams from it floats above him (I actually have said picture). No more will we hold our tongue saying to ourselves “aesthetic tastes are relative and some people may like them and be edified by them”. Who can be edified by a tote back with a light saber wielding Philopater Mercurius with day-glo lightening shooting out of him iron-on on it?! How long O Lord will the true iconodule Copt suffer? If the iconoclasts still lived they would mock us to scorn.
Rise up and destroy these images which are idols to bad taste. If you see your brother create such images smash his laptop lest he fall deeper into his sin. Or at the very least have an intervention with a graphic designer not educated in the middle east. Stop this cancer before more pious atrocities, these hate crimes against aesthetics, are inflicted by the faithful. Stop it now before these same people learn of Adobe After Effect then even our movies (as bad as they are will become worse)
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* Be proud if you got the geeky reference.
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Tony says: WINTER IS COMING! GAME OF THRONES!
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An advice column for all things Coptic Orthodox those lukewarm sinners who will be vomited out of the mouth of Christ come Judgment Day.
All my friends are on various social media networks and want me to join. Should 1?
Hmmm… An interesting question for this modern age. First we look to the church fathers and much was written about the virtue of silence. So basically summarizing their position, no. Just shut up because you have nothing of any benefit to anyone to say. Not only that you but you are dragging yourself into hell and everyone in earshot by your tongue.
Though, technically, with social media you are not speaking so it opens an interesting avenue of speculation and discussion. So after many prayers and metonias, I came up with the answer of, “No!”. Why would one partake of such nonsense?! You say it is so you can post bible verses to uplift and edify your friends. I have a secret for you… The Bible is full of bible verses. Why do I need to read your post with only one verse when I can read thousands of them in the Bible and I can read them with out the internet.
You may say but it will help you keep in touch with your friends. Really, why not see them and call them; because otherwise you cannot convince me these are real people. They are imaginary. They could be the creation of the imagination of some sweaty obese South Korean man living in a basement who consider this going outside interacting with the public between rounds of Starcraft. If you want to have friends you can’t see make friends with the saints. At least they will benefit you in your life. Seriously how many people has your twitter follower @Coptic4Life_777 cured of cancer? I can tell you. Zero! St. Mary on the other hand, tens of thousands if not more. Also she does not annoyingly inviting you to like thing or other on Facebook.
But it helps me tell my non-orthodox friends about the faith. What??!! You have non-orthodox friends, how dare you consort with heretics whom our church fathers fought against to maintain the one true holy apostolic faith. Unless you are a theologian well read in the fathers, these non-believing minions of the devil will lead astray with their questions and confuse you and before you know it you will be sharing and liking their prosyletizing materials leading people to fiery perdition because you think its cute or catchy and it mentions Jesus and God because you in your foolish pride do not realize because something that claims its Christian does not mean it is Orthodox. So you fail. What if say you make sure the stuff you share is Orthodox from Orthodox source like these photoshop decorated pictures. Then I anathemize you.
You may say but Pope and Lord Archbishop of the Great City of Alexandria and Patriarch of All Africa on the Holy Orthodox and Apostolic Throne of Saint Mark the Evangelist and Holy Apostle His Holiness Anba Tawadrous II has a twitter account. Well I’m petitioning to Holy Synod to stop it. What use is a Papal encyclical of a 140 characters or less? Besides what can he do in that few words. Also if I wanted to reply to a tweet or dm him by the time I write the proper greeting “@PopeTawadros I bow down before you and kiss your right hand in greeting. Asking your blessing, your Holiness.” all I have left is 30 character leaving no room to leave a meaningful message. Useless.
Also the time you waste looking connecting to imaginary people who will benefit you nothing, you should spend it in prayer, metonias and meditation; the true social media connecting to your true friend God.
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Benjamin Youssef says: This is amazing! hahaha
sam says: I think a lot of these posts are absolutely hilarious… ppl usually find me to be incredibly depressing and cynical and i hate the world… that’s because ppl do a lot of stupid stuff… its nice to find a kind of humor that hits the soft spot.
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In case any of our reverend fathers or deacons needed any homily ideas, the good folks at Ministry Resource have put together sermon notes based on The Man of Steel movie. See how great Jesus Christ is, He is just like Superman. I know I’d listen to the Gospel reading much more keenly if I knew Jesus was going to shoot heat beams from his eyes.
How long before a new edition of the Bible comes out and Isaiah 7:14 is re-written to read “Therefore the Lord Himself will give you a sign: Behold, the virgin shall conceive and bear a Son, and shall call His name Kal-El.”
Can’t wait for the apostles as The X-Men series of sermons…
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The irony of our times is that with as much of communication now being visual fewer and fewer people are able to actually read real English. Some all too common mistakes (and probably should be tested for prior to tonsuring an individual a reader):
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(You knew this was inevitable…)
Livin’ Coptic style
Coptic style
A Copt who fasts two thirds the year
A genius Copt who knows one hundred ways to cook fava beans
A Copt whose drools at macarona bil bechamel
A Copt with that kind of kitchen skill
I’m a Copt
A Copt who looks forward to the fifty days
A Copt who drinks shay bilaban in a clear glass
A Copt whose heart bursts with semna baladi
That kind of Copt
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Yet Proud Copt until the end
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Tone-deaf Deacon, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Tone-deaf Deacon oh oh oh oh
A Copt who looks quiet but plays the def like Ibo
A Copt who only kneels when the right time comes
A Copt who can do 400 metonias with ease
A sensible Copt like that
I’m a Copt
A Copt who never loses track during the procession
A Copt who goes completely crazy when the epistle’s read in Coptic
A Copt who knows the hymn but has no voice
That kind of Copt
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Chaotic, Obstinate
Yes you, hey, yes you, hey
Yet Proud Copt until the end
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style, Coptic style
Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Black-clad Teta, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Black-clad Teta oh oh oh oh
On top of the hegumen is the bishop man, clergy clergy
I’m a Copt who knows a thing or two
On top of the hegumen is the bishop man, clergy clergy
I’m a Copt who knows a thing or two
You know what I’m saying
Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Balding Uncle, Livin’ Coptic style
Ya Balding Uncle oh oh oh oh
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Coptic News Network Brief
Adel Ayman Akram Agaiby, a servant in St. Marina & St. Anthony Coptic Orthodox church’s bookstore, was brutally beaten by what can be described by shocked yet bemused eyewitnesses as extremely irate and belligerent old ladies. The assault occurred after a normal Wednesday liturgy, when the terrorizing tetas descended upon the bookstore. Adel states that typically the bookstore is only open on the weekends but since he he had a day off decided to go in to get caught up on some inventory. Since he was there and the women wanted something from the bookstore, he decided to help them. The women came looking for Pope Tawadros II memorabilia to build their personal shrines to him like they did for the thrice blessed late Pope Shenouda. When Adel replied all he had were a few copies of the official photo of His holiness, what was a group of kindly old ladies turned in to cantakerous hellions.
They started to jab and poke him with their fingers and canes accusing him of disloyalty to the church. How could he not stock a wide array memoribilia with His holiness’ face on it. They were wanted such things which they had with Pope Shenouda’s face like key chains, mugs, t-shirts, sun visors, stickers, baseball caps, commemorative plates, medallions, candles, candlesticks, kerchiefs, glass cubes and lampshades among other knick-knacks. Adel at this point – in what could be described as the turning point where things crossed the line into tragedy – stated that such things were in poor taste and really did not honor the man.
At this point the pugnacious grannies started to swing their canes in earnest, while others started to pray to God that He strike Adel dead and punish him eternally for this and not hold his sin of disrespect against the patriarch against the church, while a few others cursed him as only a grandmother can with baldness, infertility, failure at all he touched, dwarfism and other things that no one thought could possibly come out of the mouths of sweet old ladies. Adel suffered several contusions, a concussion, and broken ribs since he could not defend himself since he felt it was dishonorable to raise his hands against elderly women. The beating stopped when the person giving the old ladies a ride home was leaving. Though the worst part Adel stated was seeing his grandmother take part in the assault.
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Coptic News Brief
A local area priest who many claim has the gift of clairvoyance give Coptic News Network an exclusive in how he obtained these gifts. About a year or two the young people of a certain area church starting tell of their priest who in confession was able to tell their sins in detail before they confessed it. As his renown spread other people came to him for confession and came away equally amazed. When CNN spoke with Abouna T., he claimed he was an average priest no better than any other just a bit more tech savvy than most. When asked what he meant about being more tech savvy than most, he then revealed the secret of his gift. “Its not a spiritual gift, I’m too much of a sinner for that to happen to me” he humbly stated. “When they come in for confession, to them it looks like I’m in quiet meditation but in actually I’m just quickly checking their Facebook and Twitter feed on my phone which is nestled out of sight in my hand. You’d be surprised at what these people publicly post, not to mention most have friended me and don’t realize it.”
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Not So Spiritual Words 
[…] a tamgeed fro St. Valentine since one is lacking in the offices of the church (see our tutorial on how to write a mediha for […]