Author: mrnotso

Culinary Hints For the Fast

  • Putting barbecue sauce on foul does not make them taste like baked beans.
  • Putting tahina and duck sauce on bread is not a substitute for peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
  • Tuna selling at 4 cans for a dollar is a deal too good to be true (or edible for that fact)
  • Eating nothing but ramen will cause you to suffer from malnutrition.
  • Eating frozen fish fillets raw claiming its sashimi because your too lazy to cook it, is niether tasty nor particularly health. (p.s. fresh water fish can never be eaten raw for risk of parasites)
  • Bisara should just be avoided, no reason necessary just avoid it.
  • Become well acquainted soy in all its forms (the less it resembles its natural form usually the better tasting)
  • When it comes to the ingredients of many products, Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.
  • Try to get adopted by the family that runs the nearby Chinese take out to cut down on you food bill.
  • Or to avoid the hassle just develop a medical conditions that prevents you from fasting (e.g. develop kidney stones so you could drink beer, get put on a no carb diet, become pregnant … etc)

A Pope is a Pope is a…

Sayedna
I learned the Patriarch is the Pope because he is bishop of Alexandria and not bishop of Alexandria because he is Pope. If Alexandria were to sink in to the sea because of an earthquake or some other disaster (or the answering of the prayers of upper egyptians ; } Would the Pope stop being the Pope because he can’t be bishop of Alexandria anymore because it doesn’t exist hence his reason for being pope?

Health Club Fees

“Whereupon they built a place of exercise at Jerusalem according to the customs of the heathen: And made themselves uncircumcised and departed from the holy covenant, and joined themselves to the heathens, and were sold to do evil.”

– 1 Maccabees 1:15,16

Interpretation: Apparently it was very difficult to join a health club in ancient Israel. One had to abandon God by physically (not spiritually see alternate translation below. Prepuce is another name for the foreskin) reversing his circumcision. OUCH! It leaves one to wonder where they got the prepuces from?

(And they built a gymnasium in Jerusalem, according to the laws of the nations: And they made themselves prepuces …)

Bathing Beauties

“And let not a Christian woman bathe with an hermaphrodite; for if she is to veil her face, and conceal it with modesty from strange men, how can she bear to enter naked into the bath together with men? ”

– Didascalia Apostolorum (Apostolic Constitutions) Book I Section III Paragraph IX

I just what to know what the hell was going on in the early church for women bathing with hermaphrodites to be such an issue, that it needed to be put into canon law?

How different Copts react to a Stop sign

  • Standard run of the mill Copt will see the sign but disregard it thinking it applies to everyone else but them.
  • Relic hunting Copt will think the pope’s limo must have stop at that sign on the way to their church, so steals the sign as a blessing.
  • Extremely pious Copts will stop and not move until someone tells them its okay to move.
  • Religiously paranoid Copt will debate with himself whether or not stopping at the sign is really God’s will or a ploy by the devil to cause him to fall and in the process run through the sign causing them to debate whether or not to confess the fact he ran through the sign which was God’s will or to praise the Lord for allowing him to overcome a snare of the enemy
  • Militant Copt will think the stop sign was put on purpose on the road they travel by the muslims to oppress them so not only do they refuse stop at the sign but tear it down and write articles on how the sign is an evil plot by the muslims.
  • Super-deacon Copt just drives right through the sign never noticing it because they’re to busy singing to their favorite hymn tape.
  • Guilt ridden Copt stops at the sign but then spends an hour confessing to abouna about how they had bad thoughts about running through the sign.
  • Self-hating Copt will run through the sign (see Standard Copt) but they have a puerto rican flag hanging from the rearview mirror.
  • Frustrated sunday school teacher Copt stops then gets out and runs screaming from a van full of sunday school kids.
  • Overly-legalistic Coptic refuses to stop because nowhere is there anything mentioned in the diskalia or church canons about stop signs.
  • Hypocritical Copt doesn’t stop (see Standard Copt again) but goes out of their way to tell every one they did.
  • Status-seeking Copt tells everyone the stopped at the same stop sign Pope Kyrollous (or any other prominent Copt) did.

Things Sure to Put Your Salvation at Risk

  • Playing Jesus ring toss, basically trying to get a ring (commonly a roll of masking tape) around Jesus’ head on a statue of the crucifixion.
  • Playing football/basebaseball/soccer in the church building during liturgy. (doubly bad if your dressed as a deacon while doing so)
  • Setting fire to abouna with a candle.
  • Making prank phone calls from the church phone.
  • Perpetrating fraud with church equipment.
  • Creating a more popular parody of a popular email list with religious intentions