Author: mrnotso

Choking, Heretics & Love

Sayedna,
I was wondering what should one do if someone start to choke when receiving the Body of Christ. Is it better to let the person die in a state of grace where he is literally one with Christ or to perform the Heimlich Maneuver and risk the Body of Christ falling on the ground and possibly being stepped on?

Your Grace,
How does on going about reporting heretics? Is there a hotline I can call? I ask because I think my Sunday School teacher is the love child of Nestorius and Arius. He agreed with some kids in the class that St. Mena was a pimp and said its okay to call St. Mary, the christokos*.So I need help starting some sort of synodal action against him.

(* a composite of real teachers)

Your Grace,
I believe my father of confession is too involved in my love life, or more accurately lack of one. Last time I went to confess, he just took me with him to his car and we went cruising for chicks. Is this normal or healthy for my spiritual growth?

Strange but True.

AUSTRALIANS CAN’T HANDLE AN EGYPTIAN DIET
A shipment of halawa – a very sweet and heavy combination of sesame paste and sugar -caused a crisis between the Egyptian and Australian health ministries. Officials in Australia sent an angry complaint to the Egyptian health minister, claiming that many Australians suffered from stomach pains after eating the delicacy. However, the Egyptian producer of the halawa said that there was nothing wrong with the product. He shrugged his shoulders and said that Australians just weren’t used to such a heavy food in the morning. (From Al Wafd Newspaper)

Pass It On!

If you love God, truly love God, none of this wimpy folk singing clapping I love you Jesus hippie, but a hardcore take a bullet for God, throw me to the lions for His sake type then forward this email to 12 people. Yes that’s right 12 people! This isn’t one of those pansy emails that you email only to 10 people, how much love are you showing to God with that besides what significance has the number 10.
If you do not forward this email to 12 people. No salvation for you!! That’s right you read right. No salvation for you. You obviously don’t love God. And don’t think He won’t know, He created the entire universe, you don’t think He won’t know when you refuse to show Him how much you love him by forwarding this email.
And don’t think just by forwarding to 4 or 5 people, gets you off the hook. God hates that lukewarm crap. Just for that not only is there no salvation for you but you also get cast in with the sodomites in hell. Better than you deserve, you godless heathen.

Seriously, He divest Himself of His divine powers took human flesh, suffered and was crucified to show you how much He loved you and you can’t forward a lousy email to show Him how much you love Him

So unless you’re a loveless devil worshiper I’d forward this email to 12 people, not 5 not 10 but 12 people or no salvation for you.

Tips for Living for Those with Impaired Self-Preservation Instincts

  • Never use a machete as a back-scratcher. (By the same token unless you live in the jungles you don’t need a machete)
  • You can not make an entire meal of sauerkraut straight from the bag.
  • A bow and arrows are for outdoor use only, especially if all the walls in your apartment are sheetrock.
  • If the bleeding hasn’t stopped in 30 minutes, you should seek a medical attention.
  • If the bleeding stopped but you can see bone or internal organs you should seek medical attention.
  • Even if you own sutures, its not advisable you do them yourself.
  • Expiration dates are not a suggestion.
  • It is best to refrain from eating things directly from the can.
  • Dishes should not need to become fungal cultures before washing.
  • Never when asked by a woman about her appearance answer in the negative.

Blame Chalcedon

(sung to the tune “Blame Canada” from the South Park movie)

Times have changed,
our schisms are getting worse
They won’t obey the canons they just want to blame and curse

Should we blame the emperor? Or blame society?
Or should we blame the Greek vocabulary?

No, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon
With all their beedy little eyes have packed their heads so full of lies, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon,
we need to form a full assault its Chalcedon’s fault

Don’t blame us for Eutyches, he was a nutty old heretic, we condemned

And Pope Dioscorus, proud defender of the faith but they physically beat up and exiled him

Well? Blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon, it seems that everythings gone wrong since Chalcedon came along, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon
It’s not even a real ecumenical council anyway

Then theres Leo’s Tome, a document that would have not solved anything, but Rome wanted shown anyway
Should we blame the Second Council of Ephesus? Should we blame Dioscourus?
Or the eastern bishops who did not show it?

Heck no, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon, with all their cries of monophysite

And that *itch Pulcheria too

Blame Chalcedon, shame on Chalcedon,
The Nestorians we must stop
The diophysites we must smash
Schisms and anathemas
must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Because there is no reason to blame us!

(might want to review Church history to appreciate this one)

Psychological Dysfunctions of the Coptic Congregation (part 3)

Theistic Oxymoronism: Where normally non-religious Copts bring religion in to aspects of their lives it should have no part. Such as one opens a strip club and asks abouna to come and pray in it to bless it. Praying the agpeya at the horse track to improve their odds.

Hereditary Genetic Reversal: When saintly moral parents give birth to child that Satan himself would refuse to take credit for. Or the reversal where people who have managed to survive only by the grace of God give birth to a highly intelligent child. Unfortunately the former is much more prevalent.

Stupidity: Plain old run of the mill stupidity but apparently at higher severity and rates of incidents than in the general population

Psychological Dysfuntions of the Coptic Congregaion (part 2)

<Sixth Sense Syndrome: Usually strikes the aged of the congregation, possibly due to their own proximity to death. The afflicted will be found speaking to saints as if present with them. But this syndrome goes much further than normal piety. They do not only speak to the saints asking their intercessions or help in hardships but can be found arguing with saints over things like the price of milk, complain to them about their children or other such subjects that are of no interest to anyone especially saints.

Coptomegalomania: The sufferer when given a minor responsibility in the church will naturally assume that he/she should now be consulted by abouna for approval for all things. They believe if the can be trusted for a minor task they can be trusted with the church keys. This also extends with hierarchical matters where if His Holiness happens to know their name, then they assume they are destined to sit on the throne of St. Mark regardless of the fact that they maybe married or women.

Fun With Science

“Mobius strippers never show you their backsides.”

– unknown

In case you didn’t get that bit of nerd humor heres an excerpt from a real scientific journal.

“While the putative mode of action of ajoene is enticing enough to warrant further studies, at present we are far from understanding the molecular basis for the reputed anti-vampire action of garlic in the Middle Ages. Unfortunately, we could not obtain the most desired test system for antivampire activity. Vampires may now be extinct, and a search for the anti-vampire activity in garlic must await development of suitable analytical tools.”

Kumar Jain M., Apitz-Castro R.; Trends in Biochemical Science 12(1987):252-254.