Author: mrnotso

Blessings

Your Grace,
My abouna has a restraining order placed against me keeping me from teaching Sunday School or getting near the kids. I did not do anything. All I did was come to class with a scourge like was used on Christ in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. I would have only used it on them if they misbehaved or made example of one of them. Besides it would a great blessing and honor to be treated as our Savior, following in His steps and sharing in His suffering. What can I do to convince abouna that I am actually bestowing a great blessing upon the children?

Sayedna,
Can you convince the Synod committe that deals with Church Rites to change the path of processions to totally bypass the women’s side of church. The women tend to be overzealous in taking a blessing, last Palm Sunday I suffere a concussion and was stripped of my tonia, and I wasn’t carrying anything. The poor deacon that was carrying the icon, he … lets just say the general funeral prayers weren’t so general. We’ve tried wearing police riot gear but those old women are tougher than one expected. One procession abouna disappeared, he was taken as a blessing. Luckily he was found at someone’s grandmother’s house. So for the sake of your sons the deacons, please speak to the synod on our behalf.

Deep Questions on the Old Testament

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19-2. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them – (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

– Unknown from some e-mail forward

Coptic Television Shows You’ll Never See

Ascetic Eye for the Lay Guy

With 5 monks give lay men a monastic makeover.
Fashion Monk: You have many pieces of beautiful designer clothing get rid of them. The nature of an ascetics clothing should such that if he leaves it on the side of the road no one would look at them.
Food & Wine Monk: I’ve taken the liberty of emptying out your refrigerator and pantry. Here’s a loaf of bread and a gallon of water, I’ll be back next week and give you another loaf and more water.
Culture Monk: Its evil, the entire world is filled evil there’s little of benefit in it. Its best just to lock yourself in your room and pray.
Design Monk: You have many interesting piece of art around your apartment. They too distracting so, we going to move you into a crypt and seal you in there so you can meditate.
Grooming Monk: Why care for your outward appearance will you get into heaven because you have nice highlights? Besides what kind of man has highlights except those of questionable morals?

Militant Copt reviews The Passion of the Christ

Militant Copt (M.C.) found the movie an excellent piece cinema but there were a few issues. First M.C. found all the buzz about the film being anti-semetic a lot of non-sense. If anything the movie was anti-hamitic*. Mel Gibson completely ignores the fact Christ was ever in Egypt. Christ spent a tenth of His life there and we Copts get nothing. We get flashbacks of Christ washing his hands, joking with the Virgin Mary but nothing of Him in Egypt. He even showed Christ as a small child falling. The age Christ was in the flashback meant He probably was in Egypt (He was about 4-6 years old when the Holy Family left Egypt), but does Mel Show this at all. NNNooo!!!! Mel wanted the to be linguistically accurate, then why did he ignore Coptic? Christ would have spoken Coptic. He spent His formative years for language development in Egypt, but did Mel have Him even utter a single word or expression in Coptic. NNNooo!! Mel totally ignored any connection Christ had with Egypt because the Jewish controlled media is still upset because the Egyptians were the only people in history to successfully enslave the Jews.
Secondly the sound track while nice M.C. believes it would not give the viewer the full impact of the movie so to rectify the situation. M.C. and a group of deacons decided to accompany the film with choice Pascha hymns. But imagine the shock and dismay when part way through Pekethronos security came and forcibly ejected those deacons. M.C. has a religious persecution suit against the theater pending.

* Egyptians are a hamitic people not semetic like arabs and jews.

Questions from Kids that Make Sunday School Teachers Uneasy

  • Do abounas have sex? (and other various follow up questions)
  • How did the stylites* go to the bathroom?
  • My daddy doesn’t do that, does that mean he’s going to hell?
  • Are you really Christian?
  • Come on now, you can’t really believe that stuff?
  • What happens if abouna finds out your dating his daughter?
  • Why doesn’t my pet go to heaven?
  • Can I go to hell if I go to heaven first and find it boring?
  • Why aren’t you married?

* Stylites were a group of 4th & 5th century ascetics mainly in Palestine and Syria who lived on top of pillars.

Tales from the Confessional (Episode 1)

“Abouna, i think i am going to be in big trouble and you may get mad”
to which he will reply:
“Are you saying I cause trouble?! Confession isn’t the source of trouble. Confession is the resolution to trouble. How can you say I am going to bring you trouble? Do you come to confession thinking there will be trouble?”
“No Abouna, that is not what I meant.”
“No, no, no. This is not a wise way to begin a confession. To say to a priest that he will cause trouble. How can you tell me I will bring problems? I haven’t done anything. You are the one coming to confession and telling me I am going to bring trouble and problems! No…no…no…..”

Moral, never start a confession saying “i think i am going to be in big trouble”…or you will be…however, note: it did dwarf the rest of the confession and made it look not so bad

– submitted by mk

Lesson 7

Using your computer make an envelope and letterhead of a fake organization (using real ones might get you in all sorts of legal trouble). But make this organization as extreme or embarrassing as possible while still remaining believable (e.g. Amateur Pornographers of America, Satanist’s Monthly, et c.) Then mail to victim at their workplace so as many people as possible see that your victim is associated with your fake organization.)