Author: mrnotso

Lesson 9

When standing in church with a few people (best no clergy are present or involved) start staring or looking often towards the front of the church. Pick any point ( above and to the side of the entrance of the sanctuary is good). Just keep turning or looking in that direction eventually some will ask what you’re looking at. Point the area out and start describing something very vague. i.e.”I don’t know how to describe it. I just know it wasn’t there before. Its kind of like a hazy or cloudy patch right over there.” et. c. But do not be very descriptive or insistent. Be very casual and skeptical of what you’re supposed to be seeing, people would be more likely believe you then. Because of the power of suggestion some people will start to see the “apparition”. Being Egyptian they will repeat the story to friends and family with some embellishment and within a week or two someone who was not there will be telling you how they happened ro be in church that day when the heavens open and the saint du jour appeared.

Alternative: If you are very good with Photoshop or other photo editing software and have a digital camera. When taking pictures that you will be giving someone else. Alter one subtly, such as if there is a crowd scene maybe there happens to be saint hiding in the crowd or alter a cloud to look like someone/something. When giving the person the photos don’t mention anything or act as if you know anything. Have them notice it for themselves

Deacon busted for running wedding protection racket

Head deacon Boutros Boutros Abdel-Malak Malik, along with half the choir deacons was arrested for running a hymn protection racket. Apparently he would approach the groom during the traditional hour-long wait for the bride and say to him,”You know, my friend, the hymn PiEpnevama. It is a very long and difficult hymn. It would be shame for it to ruin your wedding. For a donation, I and my brothers the deacon will practice it until the bride arrives and sing it perfectly for your wedding. By the way alf mubruk.” Since most had attended weddings where the deacons botched Piepnevama badly, the quickly gave in and paid a donation. Boutros and his dastardly deacons were caught when one groom had brought his own deacons with him and turned him in, mainly out jealously because they never thought to run such a scam. Abuona Dioscorus, pastor of the church, was most trouble by this news, especially so when he found out Boutros wasn’t tithing the money he received from his protection racket. Mr. Malik released a statement through his attorneys from the firm of Theodorus,Theodorus, Leontius and Panikarus. He states that there is nothing in the Diskolia against what I did and I will be found innocent. Mr. Malik is being held with bail until trial.

A Righteous Diet

And the king appointed them a daily provision of the king’s meat and of the wine which he drank, so nourishing them three years, that at the end thereof they might stand before the king. Now among these of the children of Judah were: Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, unto whom the prince of the eunuchs gave names: for he gave unto Daniel the name of Belteshazzar; and to Hananiah, Shadrach; and to Mishael, Meshach; and to Azariah, Abednego. But Daniel purposed in his heart that he would not defile himself with the portion of the king’s meat, nor with the wine which he drank. Therefore he requested of the prince of the eunuchs that he might not defile himself. Now God had brought Daniel into favor and tender love with the prince of the eunuchs. And the prince of the eunuchs said unto Daniel, “I fear my lord the king, who hath appointed your meat and your drink. For why should he see your faces sadder than the youths who are of your sort? Then shall ye make me endanger my head before the king.” Then said Daniel to Melzar, whom the prince of the eunuchs had set over Daniel, Hananiah, Mishael, and Azariah, “Test thy servants, I beseech thee, ten days, and let them give us pulse to eat and water to drink. Then let our countenances be looked upon before thee, and the countenance of the youths who eat of the portion of the king’s meat. And as thou seest, deal with thy servants.” So he consented to them in this matter, and tested them ten days. And at the end of ten days their countenances appeared fairer and fatter in flesh than all the youths who ate the portion of the king’s meat. Thus Melzar took away the portion of their meat and the wine that they should drink, and gave them pulse.
Daniel 1:5-16

Interpretation: This passage shows that the Atkins diet is biblically based. It shows how Daniel and his friends who ate only pulse (aka beans), which are known to be high carb, were fatter than those children who only ate meat. But despite the diet being found in the Bible it is worthy to note that it was eschewed by those select of God. They were fatter by eating those foods proscribed for them by God. So being obese is an act of righteousness, and the overweigth should pray for the salvation of the thin. So be fat for Jesus

Signs Things Are Going Downhill in the Church

  • When someone goes in to confess to abouna, people start chanting “2 men enter, 1 man leaves”
  • Abouna insists on a secret passage leading out of the church be built under the altar.
  • Pre-servant’s class besides lessons on theology and dogma have lessons on close quarter combat.
  • Mustaches are grafitti-ed on the icons (or removed if the saint already has one)
  • Instead of cymbals accompanying the hymns a boombox is used.
  • Deacons are armed with stun guns during processions for their own protection.
  • The old ladies in church are members of the local chapter of the Hells Angels.

Good Idea/Bad Idea II

Good Idea: Starting an intramural football league with your friends.
Bad Idea: Playing the games on Sunday during liturgy in church while wearing your tonia.

Good Idea: Getting a lot of vegetables in your diet.
Bad Idea: Considering ketchup and saurkraut from the bag adequate meal.

Good Idea: Help your friend move furniture.
Bad Idea: Helping your friend move furniture of a third friend without their knowledge.

Good Idea:Teaching the young deacons its wrong to sneak off and sleep during Bright Saturday Vigil.
Bad Idea: Leaving the young deacons tied up somewhere because they fell asleep during Bright Saturday Vigil and forgetting about them.

Salt, Fasting and Service

Your Grace,
When God turned Lot’s wife into a pillar of salt, was it kosher salt or sea salt?

Sayedna,
I have a serious problem that needs fasting and prayer to solve but during the fifty days we’re not supposed to fast. Do I have have to wait until the fifty days are over before seeking a solution? Could I just prayer or is this fasting and prayer stuff a packaged deal, one is no good with out the other, a spiritual bert & ernie? Or because its the fifty days, I get a divine freebie?

Your Grace,
Oddly my priest doesn’t approve of my service. I try to find the lost sheep and preach to them. Obviously they won’t be in church, otherwise they wouldn’t be lost sheep; so I have to seek them where ever they are. Is it my fault they happen to be in a strip club? Is it right to let them perish because it isn’t right for me to be in a strip club? Shouldn’t a servant bring himself to the level of those he serves?

Yet Even More Coptic Pickup Lines

– Hey you wanna make your next confession more exciting?”
– Ask to borrow their agpeya/bible and slip your number into it.
– “I wish you were my Sunday School teacher, because I bet you can teach me a thing or two.”
– “I have some holy oil, if you want to be anointed.”
– “I can help have your mother stop nagging you about marriage.”
– “I’ve fasted and prayed for three days and the Lord has sent you to me.”
– “Didn’t I see you during the Easter procession?”

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Area Man Confused by No Fasting

Local man Mohsen AbdelMessieh, a devout and practicing Copt, finds himself wracked with guilt and confusion every Wednesday and Friday during the Blessed 50 Days. The source of his dilemma is as he states. “During the 50 Days theres no fasting of any type but for 90% of Wednesdays and Fridays of the year one is fasting. So it is ingrain that i should be fasting on these days but I’m not supposed to. I’m so conflicted.”
When Coptic News Network asked other members of the congregation if they suffered the same trials and tribulations as Mohsen. Many did not have as much difficulty adjusting. There was one fellow who insisted on remaining anonymous who seem ed to have the opposite problem of Mohsen. “What do you mean fast on Wednesdays and Fridays? You for real. You mean it wasn’t sort of scam conspiracy whipped up by the falafel stand owners.” stated this anonymous congregant before running off to hide from his father of confession.
When it was suggested to Mohsen, as a possible solution, to continue to fast on these days; he replied “Hell, no. And blow my chance to eating a cheeseburger at Friday bible study and not get beat up by abouna for it.”

Water

Ekhristos Anesti ( or as the Militant Copt Reviewer would say “Ekhristos Aftonf and you will burn if you get the response wrong”) (I know its a few days late but the management was waylaid by some bad eggs probably laid by a chicken with poor morals but I digress)

Your Grace,
Recently we have observed that, when Abouna blesses the congregation with water during the end of service hymn, he has been taking drastic shortcuts, completely against the liturgical rites set forth by our fathers, St. Basil, St. Gregory, and St. Cyril. Our church is so big, that it takes hours to bless all the people in the traditional way. So, instead of taking a jug of water and throwing water with just his right hand, to improve efficiency, Abouna has asked a deacon to pour water into both his left and right hands, and throw water with both hands simultaneously, effectively doubling his coverage area. I didn’t think anything of it until recently he has been asking a 2nd deacon to bring a water bottle with him, and while throwing water with his hands, the deacon gives Abouna a swig of water spits water out of his mouth onto the people, essentially tripling his coverage area. Then, after a recent rotator cuff injury, Abouna had to resort to alternative measures. He purchased a Super Soaker water gun, and was able to bless the entire congregation in 2 min 15 sec flat. Then he upgraded to a fire hose, which he used until some unfortunate old lady was knock all the way across the church. Last week was the final draw when Abouna installed a sprinkler system in the roof of the church. He sprayed the entire congregation with a twist of a knob installed in the altar. Sayidna, maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel the same blessing getting sprayed by a water gun or sprinkler system.

– submitted by e.w.i.