“The times for conjugal duty prescribed in the Torah are: for men of independence, every day; for laborers, twice a week; for ass-drivers, once a week; for camel-drivers, once in thirty days; for sailors, once in six months. These are the rulings of Rabbi Eliezer. ”
“If, in order to rescue a person from drowning, one’s head becomes immersed during a period of fasting, one’s fast is invalidated, even if there was no other way of saving the drowning person’s life. (Islam)”
A Not So Spiritual guide to common deacon types you will come across.
Head banger: Willl always be seen bobbing his head up and down to the beat of the hymn. Extreme cases have been known where the entire upper body will rock back and forth. A subtype is known called the Stevie Wonder where they nod their head side to side.
Belly Dancer: Hips shake side to side while sing the hymn, becomes very pronounced when playing the cymbals or triangle.
Coyote: They don’t really know the hymn but howl along on the long parts also know as the Ambulance Siren.
Altar Egoist: Deacon who thinks he is a priest and recites all the priest portions of the liturgy, and more often then not stay silent during the response hymns. extreme cases he will even tell the priest how he should be praying the liturgy.
Confessor: Deacon who when singing a hymn has look of intense pain or constipation on his face.
Monkeyman: This deacon’s playing of the cymbals look and sound exactly the old windup monkey toys.
The Hitman: Every priest has one (or two), he is the deacon with just a wink and a nod will eliminate the erring deacon, crying child or miscellaneous annoyance.
Maestro: Deacon who makes large hand movement believing his hand motions are key to the deacons singing the hymn correctly. They are not.
Ninja: Also know as the Stealth Deacon, typically a man who does not dress as a deacon and noone expects him to know anything yet know the hymns better than those who do dress.
Parade Grand Marshall: This deacon believes he is indispensable to all church processions, you will find him rushing to carry the lead cross in in every procession, even wresting it away from any poor soul unfortunate to touch it in his presence. Extreme cases are called Pillars of the Faith they believe there can be no church rite that can successful occur unless they take part, such carrying the crowns and cape for weddings, controling the censer during liturgy et c.
Deacons may have a combination of the above traits. As with any wild creature always approach with caution, if cornered toss a deacons service book to distract them and run to safety.
After Theophany liturgy, Los Angelos parishoner Soliman Boulos declined to go to his parents to eat the traditional ol’ass, claiming he was tired and needed sleep. His upset mother reminded him of the old saying of whoever does not eat ol’ass on the Theophany will wake up with out a head (it rhymes in arabic) He shrugged it off as he went to his apartment to sleep. His sleep was interrupted with countless nightmares of being headless. Gripped with this irrational fear, he raced to his parents still in his pajamas to get some ol’ass. His mother overjoyed to see him began to cook a full meal for him included the desperately desired ol’ass. His father disgustedly said to him “Be a man” and went back to sleep.
In a local New Jersey church what was supposed to be joyous event turned into a tragic bloodbath, when Stephen Botrous, aghnostos age 30, killed four fellow deacons with his bare hands during the Liturgy. When asked why a distraught Botrous replied “Its not fair. I wait all year for this Liturgy and end up being in the midst of hell during it. The deacon to the right of me believed himself the reincarnation of Mikahail El-Batanoni with a worse voice and no sense of rhythm or pitch. The deacon to to the left of me insisted on recited all the priest parts along with abouna yet stayed silent when we were singing a hymn. The man behind me was just singing any hymn he happened to know, unfortunately they were none of the ones everyone else was praying. The man in front of me apparent was following an old canon where bathing was considered breaking the fast and that he would just keep backing into me stepping on my feet. To top it all off some random kid decides its past his bedtime and sprawls himself across the bench to go to sleep prevents us from sitting for most of the liturgy. It was too much I just snapped.” Botrous in remembering his trauma then broke down in tears. A statement from his lawyer from the firm of Theodorus, Theodorus, Paneteus & Leontius state that “Mr. Botrous has confessed and received absolution for his acts and hope that the courts take this into consideration.” On the conditions of anonymity fellow deacons cheer Stephen Botrous’ actions saying things like “He should be put in the Synaxarium for this.”, “If he didn’t do it I would have eventually.” and “There should be more cullings of unfit deacons and liturgies would be more enjoyable”.
A kindergarten Sunday School teacher decide to teacher the class to say Ekhristos Anesti on Christmas. When confronted by irate parents, he told to point out the inaccuracy of the fact that Christ has risen. When ask several prominent church theologians, agreed with at face value one can say Ekhristos Anesti at any time, it was a stupid thing to do.
Is Mohammed Santa Claus or vice versa? (arabic)
(thanks to p.a. for the link)
With a willing accomplice as you are exiting church block the doorway and keep offering to allow the other to leave first. See how long you can do this before getting shoved out of the way.
“Why is it when we talk to God we’re praying, but when God talks to us, we’re schizophrenic? ”
– Lily Tomlin
“When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realized that the Lord, in His wisdom, didn’t work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me.”
– Emo Phillips
“Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them? ”
– George Carlin
Not So Spiritual Words 