Author: mrnotso

Behind Every Priest Stands A Tasoni

Women wish you had more power in the church but limited by your gender. Find yourself stumbled by your uterus when you desire to the tell the board of deacons what you really think. Though find the idea of a sex change a little extreme to get our voice heard. Do not despair, become a tasoni. Thats right be the power behind whom the buck stops. Unsure your special stud will turn out to be a spiritual dud. We here at TasoniList (formerly known as PriestMatch LLC*) take the guess work out of it, when you sign up up with us we will match you a compatible candidate for the priesthood who just needs to get married for his ordination.

* Due to certain scandals in another church the name lead many to believe we provided a whole different sort of matching service.

Changes in Church Rites Rejected by the Holy Synod

  • AC/DC’s “Back in Black” to be sung during the “Rites of Reception of a New Priest” if he was originally a member of the congregation.
  • Deacon’s stole (aka patrashel) to come in a variety of colors to show which crew he rolls with.
  • Scented oils to be used for andeel prayers.
  • Allow the use of strobes, laser lights and smoke pots during the Resurrection play during Easter liturgy.
  • Open buffet set up for communion to speed things up for large congregations.
  • Time stamping the congregation as they enter to know if the arrived prior to the Gospel.
  • Priest and deacons to lipsync to previously recorded liturgies.

Rebellious Children

“If a man have a stubborn and unruly son, who will not hear the commandments of his father or mother, and being corrected, slighteth obedience: They shall take him and bring him to the ancients of his city, and to the gate of judgment, and shall say to them: This our son is rebellious and stubborn, he slighteth hearing our admonitions, he giveth himself to revelling, and to debauchery and banquetings: The people of the city shall stone him: and he shall die, that you may take away the evil out of the midst of you, and all Israel hearing it may be afraid.”
– Deut. 21:18-21

Commentary: Not only is it acceptable to grab the noisy child during liturgy or sunday school and thrash him but it is commanded of us. Also we should administer the beating in front of all as an example to the rest. Some scholars believe that if the child’s parents refuse to correct the child they too should be beaten. Since we are sons and daughters in Christ, better one suffer on earth than in the afterlife. So beat away ye stewards of Christ.

Beware the Jewish Wife

“If two men fight together, and the wife of one draws near to rescue her husband from the hand of the one attacking him, and puts out her hand and seizes him by the genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; your eye shall not pity her.”
– Deut. 25:11,12

Apparently Jewish women fight dirty, if you are to get in to a quarrel with a jewish man make sure his wife is not around (useful fact if you are in NYC where there are more jews than Israel)). Question is do they cut off the hand to make her let go?

Signs its Time to Quit Teaching Sunday School

  • Your prayers consists of God either taking you or them before the next class.
  • You find yourself on a host of various medications (anti-hypertensives, anti-depressants, anti-psychotics et c.) as a direct result of your class.
  • You think Job had it easy and that if he had your class, he would have long cursed God.
  • On Sundays when you teach, you decide it would be best not to take communion.
  • You find yourself serious studying the church rite of exorcism.
  • You find yourself starting to calculate how much Benadryl would be needed to drug you class.
  • You start to believe there is no God, because no loving God would create such demonic spawn.

Starving Exchange Student

The militant Copt feels a need to comment on a news scandal sweeping the Coptic community, about an exchange student starving nearly to death while starving with a Coptic family. First this would have never occurred if he had stayed with a Sa’idi family, the opposite news article would have occurred, where he would have ended up dying of morbid obesity. Second of all, who has ever lost that much weight during a fast, You have older gentleman in church with guts large enough to hide a small family of Cambodian refugees in, fasting does nothing to make it disappear. Also if that was the case we would not have overweight monks. Also he was only there during advent fast (and possibly St. Mary’s) what a wimp, any child can do that standing on his head. Daniel was able to eat beans and gain weight. Also he was staying Alexandria and couldn’t get fish? I think this was a case of anti-coptic snobbery where he felt he was too good to eat our humble fare of foul, the food of the pharaohs. That our leeks, garlic, onions and melons of which the children of Israel were willing to forsake God for, were not good enough for his fast food swilling palate. He was probably paid off by the Islamic Brotherhood to starve himself to bring worldwide negative attention to the Copts and our pious zeal in fasting. He should be forced to live on mish and moloha for a year to know the greatness of Egyptian cuisine.