2001 July

Jul 19

When going out with your grandmother avoid Spanish neighborhoods, especially if she is hard of hearing and need to call out to her. (Apparently, the Egyptian for grandmother, teta, is the same as the Spanish for breast or tit)

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Jul 16

“Twice-cooked cabbage is death”

– St. Basil the Great
(yes, THE St. Basil the Great, the selfsame who wrote the Divine Liturgy)

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Jul 12

You know you’re a loser, if you get fired from a volunteer position.

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Jul 10

You know you’ve hit rock-bottom when you look through the obituaries for job openings.

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Jul 08

Of all the animals in the Holy Bible, the cat is not mentioned at all. Proof God is a dog person.

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Jul 07

Its an odd feeling when you notice that if your father had long hair looks, he looks like a member of a popular heavy metal band. (It is cool yet disturbing feeling).

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Jul 06

What do you say to a priest or bishops who sneeze because you can’t say “Bless you” to them (ecclesiatic reason only the high ranking clergy member present can give a blessing)?

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2001 June

Jun 29

There is an old Irish custom of young couples making love in the fields outside a house where there is wake or funeral going on, to show life is greater than death.

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Jun 27

“Being loved is a great feeling, but being lust after is not so bad a feeling either”

– unknown

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Jun 18

You know you’re screwed for life when wondering “Why me?” God answers “Because its fun.”.

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Jun 08

You know you’re on the wrong path, when you’re the first person clergy go to when they need a little a breaking and entering perpetrated.

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Jun 05

“Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I die before I wake,
Thank you God.”

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Jun 01

“You should proud to be Egyptian. They are the only people in all of history to enslave the Jews.”

– Unnamed Servant in an Unnamed Church

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2001 May

May 23

Eskimos used the baculum of walruses as war clubs, called an oosik. The baculum is a bone found in the penises of many mammal species.

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May 22

Your Grace,
My intercessor saint doesn’t seem to to anything for me, I see the my friend’s intecessors do things for them but nothing for me. Is there someone I can speak to register a complaint or file paperwork changing my saint.

Sayedna,
When we die and if we go to heaven, can we choose which heaven we go to? I mean if I go to heaven, I’d like to go to the Islamic heaven, they’ve got rivers of wine that doesn’t cause hangovers, endless feasts and naked servants of the opposite sex. That sound like a good time and I wouldn’t mind spending eternity there. Also, I mean if we’re already going to heaven, what difference does it matter, which one?

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May 16

Cynic: an idealist with bad luck

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May 15

Good Idea: Helping a friend, whose car ran out of gas, get a container of gas and put it in their car.
Bad Idea: Using the left over gasoline to make flaming designs on the ground (particularly if it is church property)

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May 14

“If God believed in the metric system, Jesus would have had only 10 disciples.”

– Unknown

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May 11

Have you ever stopped and wondered why the voices in your head don’t like you? I mean they’re living there for free, they should at least pretend to like you. But no, there always criticizing and ….. (I think I should take my meds now ; P )

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May 06

“[Priests] shall have linen turbans on their heads and linen trousers on their bodies; they shall not clothe themselves with anything that causes sweat.” (Ezekiel 44:18)

Commentary: Even though our prayers are like the sweet savor of incense before the Lord, He is repulsed by our body odor. So all those who minister the altar of the Lord should be showered and liberally coated with deodorant.

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May 02

“Germans are very good people, I would have been German but unfortunately both my parents were Egyptians.”

– from “Five Graves to Cairo” (1943)

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2001 April

Apr 30

“Stop talking to me. Listening to you, is making me stupid.”

-D.F.

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Apr 16

“Women are the brightest and most beautiful of God’s creation, but I thank the Lord God I was born a man.”

– line from “Jesus of Nazareth” part 1

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Apr 06

Since there are many processions in the church during this week here is what not to do to the poor unfortunate deacon (you can tell I did this before) who carries the icon.

1. The amount blessing you receive is not related to the amount of force you use to hit the icon.

2. If you do insist on swinging at the icon, please make sure your aim is dead on.

3. On Palm Sunday, if you cannot reach the icon with your hand, that’s okay you won’t suffer fiery perdition as a result, but DO NOT swing at it with you palm branch particularly the pointy end.

4. Do not try to yank the icon out of the deacon’s hands for whatever reason; that’s not taking a blessing, its grand theft icon.

5. Do not grab the deacon or icon so some one has time to dive across the pew to reach the icon (a favorite trick of the old ladies in our church), it only cause the censer to accidentally whack the deacon in the legs.

6. Do not tug , grab or attempt to strip the deacon of his vestments(and possible clothing), there is no blessing in it and you may cause the deacon to say something he shouldn’t in church.

7. Finally please remember the deacon carrying the icon still feels pain, he is not imbued with a heavenly invulnerability by the icon ( unfortunately)

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Apr 05

It is no small co-incidence that Egyptians do not believe in the easter bunny and eat rabbits. The easter bunny, or more accurately bunnies, are not the fun egg and candy spreading characters depicted in the media. Rather they are sentient species of rabbit who wish to collapse society by controlling the children via various psychotropic drugs mixed with addictive ones adminstered using egg dyes and easter candy. These drugs make people highly susceptible to the rudimentary telepathy these creatures have. They use it to communicate with each other as they lack speech. Also the reason they use a addictive drug is the psychotropic drug does not last long in a person’s system. So the addictive drug keeps people eating the candy maintaining a certain level of the psychtropic drug in the human body. What the bunnies do is then push those susceptible people to be very greedy, belligerently so. Notice how upset people get if you eat their favorite colored jelly bean or eat the ears of thier chocolate bunny? So, by means of this induced belligerence they hope to destroy the family unit, sever interpersonal relationships, create generations of socially dysfunctional people and eventually cause worldwide war. But our clever Egyptian forebears noticed the strange behavior caused by these bunnies. And began their systematic elimination but being frugal as well as clever our ancestors decided to try cooking them. This lead to one of the most important of Egyptian discoveries, moulukhia. They discovered the combination of rabbit and moulukhia to be a gastronomic delight. Eventually this lead to the eradication of the sentient variant of rabbit. Thus breaking the evil influence of the bunnies over Egypt. Unfortunately, here in the west the bunnies still have great influence in society and culture. They are so firmly entrenched here in America that any thought of eating rabbit is considered highly repulsive.
Be informed and spread the truth.

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2001 March

Mar 29

Ancient Israelites when entering an agreement with each other or swearing oaths would place their hand upon the testicles of the other persons with whom they are entering the agreement with. There are several references in the Old Testament to this practice. (Gen 24:2, 47:29)

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Mar 25

Do not interrupt a bishop in the middle of his lecture with threats to the audience of arrest; especially if it is being recorded

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Mar 20

Oprah Winfrey is the anti-christ !!
That is all.

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Mar 18

Why & How is it the water abouna sprays, as a blessing at the end of the liturgy, is ice cold ? The temperature in the church can be a 110 degrees yet the water is ice cold. Does abouna secretly slip in a couple of ice cubes at the very end right before he starts spraying or during the liturgy does the Holy Spirit descend upon the pitcher as well, imbuing with this miraculous coldness?

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Mar 11
“If the clouds are full of rain, they empty themselves on the earth; And if a tree falls to the south or the north, there it shall lie.”
Eccl 11:3

Interpertation: Apparently in the days of Solomon there were weather man whose forecasts were as meaningful and insightful as those of today, hence Solomon bemoaning his existence in Ecclesiates.

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Mar 04

“In the beginning, God created man with free-will so he may choose between good and evil. There was only one catch. God made a big point of not giving man the knowledge to distinguish good from evil. He gave that to the apples. Man, not being an apple predictable stumbled upon evil.”

– from www.bettybowers.com the website of a superior christian

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2001 February

Feb 28

Pythagoras of ancient Greece forbade his followers to eat fava beans because, according to legend, they were said to contain the souls of the dead.

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Feb 25
  • Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell are now just used to roast marshmallows.
  • Vegetarians emit more gas than meat-eaters. What, you thought that smell was sulphur?
  • Have you tasted soymilk? Is there any its the work of the Devil?
  • A suspicious conspiracy amongst so-called experts to declare cheeseburgers bad for you.
  • If God had wanted us to eat vegetables, He would have made them out of meat.
  • The universal symbol for death and destruction is a mushroom cloud and not a T-bone steak
  • That pitchfork that Satan always carries? Salad fork.
  • There is no greater evidence of evil than people willing to pay that much money for food that tastes like total crap.
  • Well, dressing up in a bunny suit at public events and then handing kids pictures of mangled animals is a pretty good sign if you ask me.
  • Who else, other than the beast, would invent & popularize the tofu burrito?
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    Feb 16

    If you cannot get someone to love you, pity is an acceptable substitute.

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    Feb 15

    Why is it that when people speak to a non-native speaker of English, they’ll talk with an accent, as if that would make things clearer to the non-native speaker.

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    Feb 14
    taken from the Annals of Improbable Research

    taken from the Annals of Improbable Research

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    Feb 12

    Why is it that Egyptian men die before their wives?
    There is no divorce in the Church.

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    Feb 10

    1. How about you and me make a couple of Sunday school students?
    2. So you pray here, often?
    3. Hey baby, I’ve got a tamiya sandwich with your name on it. (Effective during fasts)
    4. Want to see my cross?
    5. I know a nice youth meeting/bible study we can go to.
    6. I love a man in a tunia. (For use on deacons, obviously)
    7. (Serenade the person with their favorite selections from tasbiha)
    8. I got a bible verse I know you’ll like.
    9. I’m a US citizen (Highly effective in Egypt)
    10. I’m a doctor and finished/working on my equivalency.

    DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THE REAL WORLD EFFICACY OF THESE LINES HAS NOT BEEN TESTED. IF YOU CHOOSE TO USE ANY OF THESE LINES THE WRITER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SLAPPING OF THE FACE, STOMPING OF THE FOOT, OR ANY OTHER ASSORTED PAINFUL INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR. THOUGH IF YOU FIND SUCCESS WITH ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED LINES, THE WRITER IS OWED A CONSULTING FEE OF $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS TO REMITTED UPON COMPLETION OF THE WEDDING. ALSO PLEASE CONTACT THE WRITER SUCH THAT THE WRITER MAY ALSO USE SAID LINE IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT HAPPINESS.

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    Feb 04
    “And you shall make for them linene trousers to cover their nakedness and they shall reach from the waist to the thighs. They shall be on Aaron and on his sons when they come intp the tabernacle of meeting, or when they come to the altar to minister in the holy place, that they do not incur inquity and die. It shall be a statue forever to him and his descendants after him.”
    – Exodus 28:42-43

    Commentary
    Apparently based on this abounas, and possible the deacons, must wear boxers not briefs to pray the liturgy

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    Feb 03

    How many Egyptians does it take to change a light bulb?
    6

    2 to argue how it should be done.
    1 to reminesce about how light bulbs were changed in Egypt in the old days.
    1 to complain about how the job is being done
    1 to actually change it.
    1 to make tea for everyone involved.

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    Feb 01

    People who talk to themselves can’t find intelligent conversation elsewhere.

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    2001 January

    Jan 21

    Watch at the end of the liturgy when Abouna sprays the water, there will be several bald men who will rub it all over their heads, yet none with hair will.

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    Jan 19

    The reason its traditional to eat kolkassia aka olass (or named malanga in market) on the feast of the Theopany is it symbolic of St. John the Baptist or more accurately his head. It is roughly round, the size of a head, and hairy; so one could see the parrallel between it and a human head. I did not make this up, it was told to me by a wise old sage (maybe the person wasn’t a sage and maybe not so wise but the person was definitely old). This sort of ties in to a traditional saying/superstition for the feast “Whoever does not eat kolkassia on the feast of the Theophany will wake up without a head” (Okay it looses something in the translation; it rhymes in Arabic)

    Happy Theophany (or is it Merry Theophany)

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    Jan 16
    Your Grace,
    I find myself very attracted to a girl and occasionally I
    have lustful thoughts about her. The problem is she is the daughter of my
    father of confession and i am very afraid to tell him for what he would do
    to me. What should i do?

    Your Grace,
    My Teta says its wrong to make left turns while going to
    church for the liturgy. This has added an hour and a half traveling time
    to church. I won’t believe my Teta is a liar or ignorant. But I need a
    solution because I can’t afford the gas required to go to church anymore.

    Sayedna,
    My friend says his abouna can beat up my abouna. I say no way, my
    abouna is so strong he can baptise babies with with one hand. Is there a
    way to settle this argument. I know it is absurd to have them fight but
    is it possible to have a a wieghtlifting contest or something similar.

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    Jan 13

    Have you ever stopped and couldn’t remember why you’re carrying around a noose in your pocket? I know I have.

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    Jan 11

    When a there’s a cute girl smiling at you and giggling, make sure its not because your fly is open.

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    Jan 10
    How to have fun with friends that travel by air alot:
    Make a realistic sheet metal cut out of a hand gun (if you don’t have access to sheet metal or don’t know how to cut it, you can make a cardboard cutout and wrap it with a few layers of heavy duty aluminum foil.) Place it flat in your friends’ carry-on bag. Then take the friend to the airport and accompany him/her to the gate. When s/he sends their bag through the x-ray machine at the gate, zany hijinks will ensue.  Be sure to conviently disappear before any federal agents show-up or your friend realize its you.
    DISCLAIMER: Not really a smart thing to do.

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    Jan 09

    To Dream the Impossible
    The ant walked about

    Minding his own buisness.

    When came a human lout,

    Causing the ant much distress

    For upon the ant, his foot fast descending

    So to God the ant prayed

    Then and there his life would have been ending

    Had not his prayer been answered

    And the ant walked off happy

    Scraping human off his foot.

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    Jan 08

    In making a magic carpet, one needs a virgin girl to weave a carpet of white new wool in the hour of the sun, when the moon is full and the sun is in Capricorn. . .

    – Shah “Occultism, Its Theory & Practice”

    P.S.So if there are any virgins, who own sheep and weave rugs, interested please contact me for a business opportunity ; }

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    Jan 07

    “Glory to God in the highest, peace on earth to men of goodwill.”
    Luke 2:14

    (What, can’t I send a nice normal message once and a while)

    (Okay, you’re right I can’t, some might say I miss quoted above but I didn’t. This is one of the little idiosyncrisies of various English translations of the the Bible where they use an improper translation of Luke 2:14. The above is based on the original Greek and backed up by the Latin version.)

    P.S. Merry Christmas

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    Jan 06

    Erbici (spelled e, ro, beta, iota, sima, iota) is Coptic for Cannabis sativa, a.k.a. hemp or marijuana

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    2000 December

    Dec 31
    The word piss & pisseth (meaning what you think they mean) appears for a total of 8 times in the King James Version of the Holy Bible.

    (for those who are curious the verses are 2Kings 18:27, Is 36:12, 1Sam 25:22 & 34, 1Kings 14:10, 1Kings 16:11, 1Kings 21:21, 2Kings 9:8 )

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    Dec 30
    Being snowed-in is God’s way of forcing families to sit and interact with each other, i.e. family counselling via act of nature; but then again thats how we ended up with the Donner party.
    P.S. For those who don’t know, the Donner party was a group of pioneers in the 1800′s that were snowed in the Rockies and ended up eating each other and the last person left was found frozen to death.

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    Dec 29
    For the men do not use these lines even in times of severe desperation. They do not work at all and will have an adverse effect. If you do, at best the woman in question will look at you contemptuously and cast aspersions upon your parentage, at worst you will suffer severe physical harm which may include castration.  In the event, you use one these lines and the woman falls for it, run away there is something serverely wrong with her mentally.
    For the ladies, if a man uses one of these lines on you, mace him immediately and then proceed to kick him when he is down. That type of man does not deserve any better. Unless you go for that type of man, then heaven help you both.
    Without further ado the lines:

    • Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re da bomb.
    • I must be sleepwalking because your the girl of my dreams.
    • You must be tired because you’ve been running around in my head all day.
    • You, me, the floor, right now.
    • Your sure do smell purty. (I’ve heard this also being used)
    • I’m lonely, can I be your friend.
    • Someone tell God an angel is missing.
    • I got one word for you baby, suckpump.
    • Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me your name?
    • (Just stare at the girl and pant)
    • Hey baby, I only have one leg. (think about this one)
    • (If she steps on your foot) Watch it there, thats not my foot you stepped on
    • (Say nothing but lick your eyebrows)(think about this one. too)
    • I wish had a rubber glove to use as a condom so I can do you five times in a row.(I’ve actually heard this one used.)
    • Anything from a “Bloodhound Gang” song
    Disclaimer: For the wiseguys/gals out there, No I did not find that these line don’t work from firsthand experience.

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    Dec 27
    To all my friends to help you have a smooth and trouble-free with that special member of the priesthood in your life, here is:
    Ten Things I Have Learned Never To Do In Presence Of Clergy (in no particular order, they all particularly bad results for you)
    1.Do not initiate a group prayer while a clergy member is present, unless specifically told to do so by said member of the clergy, unless you are a higher ranking member of the priesthood.
    2. Do not quote scripture at a priest.
    3. Do not give milk chocolates to children in church on Friday as a reward for behaving during Bible Study (unless its during the fifty days)
    4. When His Holiness, Pope and Patriarch and Archbishop of the great city of Alexandria, says do not open a door; you DO NOT open that door or be within 20 feet of the door for that matter.
    4a. When asked by His Holiness, why did you open the door? Do not respond It wasn’t me, even if it wasn’t you!! (The proper response if you’re curious is I have sinned forgive me)
    5. For deacons, if a priest is praying the liturgy quickly, do not take your time when you respond.
    6. Do not pick or bypass locks in Church without the expressed consent of the priest. Also make sure you leave them in working order when you do so.
    7. When giving a ride to a member of the clergy, do your best to avoid potholes, make sure the car will not break down, and the doors to the car will open when they are supposed to.
    7a. Do not drive through sleazy parts of the city (i.e. those with a high number of adult establishments) because if you get stuck because of traffic, the car ride becomes awkward very quickly.
    7b. Make sure you know  where you are going.
    8. Do not inadvertently call monks, monkeys; especially when speaking to one.
    9. Always face the door when making a humorous comment about a member of the clergy for you never know when he is going to enter the room.
    9a. Always look behind you before making said comment.
    10. Do not pants (i.e. pulled down a persons pants) somebody while they walk down the hall with a priest.
    Dishonorable mentions (these’ll only earn you a dirty look at worst)
    Do not make flippant remarks to a priest when he is in a bad mood.
    Do not give a member of the clergy, those super sour candies unless you make it absolutely clear its sour

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    Dec 25

    Bah humbug! All those who celebrate this bacchanalian parody of a religious feast day are welcome to it, but there is a reason the Lord blessed us with being Orthodox. We enjoy the benefit of all the major post-holiday sales and get to extend the holidays for an extra week. Oh and the fact that we can celebrate the day for its true and significant meaning without the hype and commercialization is a nice bonus.

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    Dec 13

    Through fasting and prayer, we can move mountains, cast out demons and perform countless wonders. Yet I’ve discovered you can fast and pray all you want but if you don’t study, you’ll fail your exam.

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    Dec 12
    Sayedna,
    My wife beats me. The way I was raised never to raise your hand to a woman no matter the situation. I can’t talk to  anybody about it because I am from a Saidi (Upper Egyptian) family.  I am desperate. I am now at the point where I fear for my life. Please help me.
    .
    Your Grace,
    Adam & Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden before committing sins and only wore clothes as a result of the shame caused by sin. So shouldn’t we as a part of repentence and confession walk around naked to show we are free of sin and the shame causes through confession?
    .
    Sayedna,
    I Pray with metonias. Not only do I find it a helpful spiritual excercise but also an excellent physical workout. Should I do 3 sets of 10 repititions or should I max out. Also it concentrates on the lower body, should I alternate with possibly pull ups or another upper body exercise?

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    Dec 05

    There will come a day when copts not only steal clothing right off of clergy members for a “blessing” but will kidnap them. (I have dibs on the patriarch)

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    Dec 03
    “Now a certain man of the sons of the prophets said to his neighbor by the word of the Lord, ‘Strike me, please.’ And the man refused to strike him. Then he said to him, ‘Because you have not obeyed the voice of the Lord, surely, as soon as you depart from me, a lion shall kill you.’ And as soon as he left him, a lion found him and killed him.”
    (1KINGS 20:35,36)
    Moral:
    To smack people in the head is to obey God’s word. In failing to obey this command of God’s, one risks a gruesome and painful death. So smack away, ye sons of God.

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    Dec 02
    Important Public Service Message Regarding Santa Claus:
    There is a misconception that Santa is a jolly fat man in a red suit that cavorts with flying reindeer. In actuality Santa is not such a benign entity. He is a megalomaniacal despot bent on eventual world domination, not unlike the UNAbomber.  He makes us believe, that he rides a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and delivers toys to good boys and girls, by using nanotechnology,  A.K.A. microscopic robots.  What he does is manufactures tinsel containing these microscopic robots (and who has ever seen a christmas display without tinsel, think about it) and when the tinsel is touched or moved it releases thousands of these robots into the air.  They are then inhaled and burrow through the avoeli and get into the blood stream. From the blood stream the eventually attach themselves to the brain stem.  Once there, through controlled electrical discharges which he can control via radio signals which he can easily piggyback unto the worldwide GPS signals, he can make people buy things to give to others and give credit to a fat man who has a thing for midgets and reindeer, or other sorts of nonsense.
    You might say that sounds harmless enough what does this have to do with world domination? I pose this question to you in reply, have you noticed christmas decorations have been going up and being put on sale earlier and earlier?  It is at the point where the christmas stuff is around before the “back to school” stuff is.  Also he use this system to make people do stupid things during the holidays such as drink eggnog ( its a raw egg milkshake for Christ’s sake).  Also what happens if he one decides to lend out the system to the easter bunny!!!
    Food for thought

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    2000 November

    Nov 14

    Why is it when abouna sprays water at the end of the liturgy, people fight to get wet; yet refuse to exit the church when its raining, i.e. God sprinkling the water?

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    Nov 13

    Sayedna,
    When my church does skits, I always play the part of a priest. It is a very realistic looking costume and make up. Sometimes after the skit, I go out walking the streets or visit a different church while still dressed as a priest. People come up to me, greet me, ask me to pray for them. I pray for them. And sometimes I’ve even fooled priests. I don’t do
    any sacraments or anything other than pray for people dressed as a priest. Is this so wrong?

    Anba Moussa,
    My family thinks I am crazy because the archangel Michael appears to me nightly and speaks to me. Even when I showed them proof by getting a feather from  the wing of the archangel michael, they were not convinced. How can I prove to them this is true?

    Sayedna,
    I teach Sunday School and many parents are upset with me. They don’t think it proper that I sneak into their children’s bedroom late at night dressed as the devil to scare their child  to be good. I do this because of my love for the children. How can I convince the parents, what I do is correct?

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    Nov 12
    Actually said in a Sunday school class:
    Teacher: It is possible to fall into the sin of adultery with all your senses.
    Student: How do you commit adultery with your nose?
    Teacher: (stunned silence)
    P.S. If any of you have a plausible answer I’d be interested because my depraved mind can’t think of anything feasible?

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    Nov 11

    What I’ve learned in life is that you can’t make someone love you but you could stalk them in hopes that they’d panic and give in.
    – Unknown

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    Nov 09

    TEN THINGS NEVER, EVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE SHOULD BE SAID TO A PRIEST
    DURING CONFESSION, IF YOU VAULUE YOUR LIFE AND AFTERLIFE.

    1. You know all the ten commandment, well forget about it.
    2. You tell me something first.
    3. Yeah I’m drunk, you got a problem with  that. OR I had a joint before to help lossen me up.
    4. Do you mind if I bring a sheesha in next time.
    5. It all started when I was 2 …        (a.k.a. telling him your life story, again)
    6. What do you mean its a sin to own a brothel.
    7. Abouna you might want a stiff drink before you hear this.
    8. Stop blowing on my head, you’re messing up my hair.
    9. Hey are you listening to my at all, stop playing with your cross.
    10. Sorry, I didn’t know that was your daughter (or son).

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    Nov 01
    1. So, whose your father of confession?
    2. My agapia or yours?
    3. Ash pe pekran, good looking. (for use on men)  Ash te teran, good lookin. (for use on women) (knowledge of Coptic required for this one)
    4. How about we split a bowl of bisara, baby. (Useful during the fasts.)
    5. Lets get together for a midnight praises rendevous.
    6. I love the way your patreshel hangs. (For use on deacons only)
    7. That kerchief frames your faces so beautifully. (For use on women only)
    8. Hey don’t I see you in Sunday School.
    9. Whats your saint?
    10. Hello sir, I’d like to marry your daughter. (For old school traditionalists)

    Honorable mention:  What are you wearing?

    DISCLAIMER: THIS IS FOR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES ONLY. THE REAL WORLD EFFICACY OF THESE LINES HAS NOT BEEN TESTED. IF YOU CHOOSE TO USE ANY OF THESE LINES THE WRITER IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY SLAPPING OF THE FACE, STOMPING OF THE FOOT, OR ANY OTHER ASSORTED PAINFUL INJURIES THAT MAY OCCUR. THOUGH IF YOU FIND SUCCESS WITH ANY OF THE AFOREMENTIONED LINES, THE WRITER IS OWED A CONSULTING FEE OF $500 AMERICAN DOLLARS TO REMITTED UPON COMPLETION OF THE WEDDING. ALSO PLEASE CONTACT THE WRITER SUCH THAT THE WRITER MAY ALSO USE SAID LINE IN A FUTILE ATTEMPT AT HAPPINESS.

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    2000 October

    Oct 31

    Oh no, my pants are so tight you can tell what religion I am.

    – Robin Williams

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    Oct 30
    “Then [Elisha] went up from thereo Bethel; and he was going up the, some youths came from the city and mocked him, and said to him, “Go up, you baldhead! Go up, you baldhead!” So he turned and looked at them and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the Lord,. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.”
    2Kings 2:23-24
    MORAL
    Do not mock bald men.  Bald men are God’s chosen people and He will defended by any means. From this passage it is clear that the prayers of bald men are greater than those with hair for God immediately hearkened to his pronouncement of the curse and visited His vengeance upon those who mocked a bald man, one of God’s elect.

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