2002 November

Nov 25

“And let not a Christian woman bathe with an hermaphrodite; for if she is to veil her face, and conceal it with modesty from strange men, how can she bear to enter naked into the bath together with men? ”

– Didascalia Apostolorum (Apostolic Constitutions) Book I Section III Paragraph IX

I just what to know what the hell was going on in the early church for women bathing with hermaphrodites to be such an issue, that it needed to be put into canon law?

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Nov 23
  • Standard run of the mill Copt will see the sign but disregard it thinking it applies to everyone else but them.
  • Relic hunting Copt will think the pope’s limo must have stop at that sign on the way to their church, so steals the sign as a blessing.
  • Extremely pious Copts will stop and not move until someone tells them its okay to move.
  • Religiously paranoid Copt will debate with himself whether or not stopping at the sign is really God’s will or a ploy by the devil to cause him to fall and in the process run through the sign causing them to debate whether or not to confess the fact he ran through the sign which was God’s will or to praise the Lord for allowing him to overcome a snare of the enemy
  • Militant Copt will think the stop sign was put on purpose on the road they travel by the muslims to oppress them so not only do they refuse stop at the sign but tear it down and write articles on how the sign is an evil plot by the muslims.
  • Super-deacon Copt just drives right through the sign never noticing it because they’re to busy singing to their favorite hymn tape.
  • Guilt ridden Copt stops at the sign but then spends an hour confessing to abouna about how they had bad thoughts about running through the sign.
  • Self-hating Copt will run through the sign (see Standard Copt) but they have a puerto rican flag hanging from the rearview mirror.
  • Frustrated sunday school teacher Copt stops then gets out and runs screaming from a van full of sunday school kids.
  • Overly-legalistic Coptic refuses to stop because nowhere is there anything mentioned in the diskalia or church canons about stop signs.
  • Hypocritical Copt doesn’t stop (see Standard Copt again) but goes out of their way to tell every one they did.
  • Status-seeking Copt tells everyone the stopped at the same stop sign Pope Kyrollous (or any other prominent Copt) did.
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    Nov 20

    “If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?”

    – Art Hoppe

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    Nov 19

    Sayedna,
    I heard one of the reasons we are allowed fish, during some fasts, is that they reproduce without intercourse. So being a geneticist, I’ve developed a cow that that can reproduce without intercourse. So can we be allowed my siami beef during the fasts now?

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    Nov 15

    “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. ”

    – Unknown

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    Nov 14
  • Playing Jesus ring toss, basically trying to get a ring (commonly a roll of masking tape) around Jesus’ head on a statue of the crucifixion.
  • Playing football/basebaseball/soccer in the church building during liturgy. (doubly bad if your dressed as a deacon while doing so)
  • Setting fire to abouna with a candle.
  • Making prank phone calls from the church phone.
  • Perpetrating fraud with church equipment.
  • Creating a more popular parody of a popular email list with religious intentions
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    Nov 13

    It might be time to re-evaluate your career choice when its hazardous to your health not to wash your hands BEFORE going to the bathroom.

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    Nov 12

    Your Holiness
    I have an idea to get the youth more interested in the priesthood, namely the Holy Synod. Bishop baseball cards. Most people couldn’t tell one bishop from a metropolitan from a khoriepiscopos. I mean for the most part one man in a big hat and beard looks like any other man in a big hat with a beard, unless you know them personally or they have some distinctive characteristic like a funky beard. The cards can have interesting stats about each bishop such as number of excommunications or exorcisim performed. The kids would trade and collect them and in the process learn about their bishops.

    Sayedna,
    I’m having visitations from St. Moses the Black. He appears through my fire escape window. Each time he appears, he takes a “gift” or “donation” with him when he leaves. I assume he appears to poor families giving them what he takes because what use is a tv or a vcr to a saint. My question is, how much should I give him? Should I save my tithes and give it to him when appears?

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    Nov 12

    1. The word of the day is legs. Let’s go up to my room and spread the word.
    2. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?
    3. My name’s not Elmo but you can tickle me anytime.
    4. (lick her sleeve) Well we better get you out of those wet clothes!
    5. Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
    6. Stick with me baby and I’ll buy you rocks as big as diamonds
    7. Being a multimillionaire really doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
    8. Hi, my name is Milk and I will do your body good
    9. What color lipstick is that? I’ve never kissed that color.
    10. If I could only be with you in my dreams, I would sleep forever.

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    Nov 07

    “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”

    – unknown

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    2002 April

    Apr 27

    Your Grace,
    I’m suffering from a severe crisis of faith but before my problem. I want to let you know that I’m extremely happy to be orthodox, especially since our Christmas and Easter fall after the western one, allowing us the maximum benefit from the sales. Truly we are God’s chosen. My crisis has to do with Good Friday, this year it falls as the same date as the long anticipated Spiderman movie. Therein lies the conflict attend good friday services or the Spiderman movie before someone ruins the ending for me. I know on Good Friday Christ died and saved the world from sin. But Spiderman has repeated saved the world from various supervillians, even one named Sin, didn’t have to die. So isn’t it the same and possibly better to attend the movie.

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    Apr 22

    “This so-called “new religion” is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Let us say the Lord’s Prayer 40 times, but first, let’s pass the collection plate! ”

    – Rev. Lovejoy from “The Simpsons”

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    Apr 16

    “You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.”

    – Al Capone

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    Apr 15

    10. Are you sure you’re really orthodox?
    9. Can you please uncuff the students?
    8. Why does my child cry hysterically everytime I mention Sunday School?
    7. Why are you wearing that bullet proof vest to class?
    6. Do you have any idea why your class keep insisting to abouna you’re the devil?
    5. Why are your kids running a protection racket* on the other classes?
    4. How is it possible your kids know less about God coming out of your class than they did going in?
    3. Where exactly does it say in the bible, give wedgies is an acceptable service to God?
    2. Have you seen whast they did to the previous teacher?
    1. Do you remember where you dumped the bodies?

    *If you don’t know a protection racket is when you threaten to do harmful things to a person unless they paid

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    Apr 12

    Sayedna,

    The head of Sunday school in my church strongly objects to the way I get my class to behave. He claims I’m causing them severe psychological damage but I don’t hit or even yell at them. What I do is at the beginning of the new Sunday School year I hire a actor, the same age as the students and then when the class misbehaves, I precede to simulate killing the actor student, no real violence just alot of special effects and makeup. The class afterwards behave as perfect angels. I’m able to teach the lesson with no problems, the class benefits, and an actor gets to make a living. Everbody wins. I don’t see the problem.

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    Apr 10

    “You can know the color of the egg a chicken will lay by the color of its earlobes, chickens that lay white eggs have white earlobes, and browen eggs come from chickens that have red or brownish earlobes.”

    -Martha Stewart

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    Apr 08

    “We had an agnostic family move into town, so we ended up burning a giant question mark on their lawn.”

    – Milton Berle

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    Apr 05

    A fun harmless means of getting even is if you know the e-mail address of your target is to register them for every newsletter/pic/joke/etc. of the day you come across. While they will be able to easily unsubscribe, the fact they sell mailing lists will keep the victim innundated with junk e-mail for weeks. (things get real interest if you have a work address and sign them up for daily e-mailings of an adult nature)

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    Apr 04

    Tahina and duck sauce are NOT a substitute for peanut butter and jelly.

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    Apr 02

    “Abstain from beans. There be sundry interpretations of this symbol. But Plutarch and Cicero think beans to be forbidden of Pythagoras, because they be windy and do engender impure humours and for that cause provoke bodily lust.”

    –Richard Taverner

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    2002 March

    Mar 13

    “The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. ”

    – Elbert Hubbard

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    Mar 11

    O Lord, keep us from all stalls, crashes, flats, knocks, pings and all manner of transmission trouble and engine distress.
    Make, O Lord, straight our roads and disperse all the traffic jams of the enemy.
    Protects also from all evil that may befall us on the path.
    The state trooper and his radar gun blind them,
    The rubber-necker cut his neck asunder,
    The slow driver in the left lane trample under wheel speedily.
    So cover us with Your heavenly insurance, for which there is no deductable. For we have no co-pilot at the wheel but You for You send to us the tow truck driver, mechanic, and all manner of road side help.
    Amen

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    Mar 04
  • Grocery shopping at the 99 cent store is not just a viable option but necessary.
  • Your bank statement reads like a tragedy.
  • You have trouble writing checks because tears keep smearing the ink.
  • The ATM makes crying noises when you access your account.
  • You no longer can look the bank teller in the eye.
  • You start to catalog all the organs you have 2 of or could live without to sell.
  • Ramen noodles are now a luxury item.
  • You find yourself paying more and more in loose change (mostly pennies)
  • A coffee cup becomes a career option.
  • You think nothing of ketchup sandwiches
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    Mar 03

    Your Grace,

    Is it wrong to try and hack bible software so I can get it for free? I’m only doing this out of my great love for the word of God. Also isn’t a sin for that company to force people to pay for it. I mean Christ, Himself, freely gave His life up on the cross so ALL may be saved. I don’t remember reading in the bible (though I would know for sure if the evil company didn’t lock their bible software) our Lord asking the apostles to ante up a gold piece each before he headed towards Golgotha. And when the Holy Spirit inspired the men who wrote the bible, nowhere is it recorded that the Holy Spirit povide inspiration and for a 15 day trial period and then made them pay for it. Am I not doing the Lord’s work by hacking this software? and I would freely distribute it, I would not be greedy with.

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    2002 February

    Feb 26

    “Life is not a bitch, its that snivelling little rat-faced punk who pushes you when your back is turn and would kick you when you were down.”

    -unknown

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    Feb 19

    Rodin died of frostbite in 1917 when the French government refused him financial aid for a flat, yet they kept his statues warmly housed in museums

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    Feb 16

    “Murder is only extroverted suicide”
    – from “Monty Python’s Flying Circus”

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    Feb 15

    Cogito ergo sum.

    – Rene DeCartes

    The phrase means “I think therefore I am” but if you remove the g from cogito, you end up with “Coito ergo sum” you get a far more interesting phrase.

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    Feb 13

    When speaking to someone (preferable someone who is an easy victim) throw in a nonsense word or phrase and use the word in all confidence and seriousness repeatedly in the conversation, making sure to always use it in the same context. You’ll be suprised how quickly that person picks up that and starts using that word. (if you lucky the word becomes widespread and you’ll have created new slang)

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    Feb 04

    In a 1631 edition of the King James Bible, in Exodus 20 verse 14, the word “not” was left out. This changed the 7th commandment to read, “Thou shalt commit adultery.” Most of the copies were recalled immediately and destroyed on the orders of Charles I. But there are 11 copies still remaining. They are known as the “Wicked Bible.” (The Bible museum in Branson, Missouri has one on display.)

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    Feb 02

    Who did the dishes after the Last Supper?

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    2001 November

    Nov 28

    For those who have seen Monty Python & the Holy Grail (one of the best movies ever) is it me or does God look alot like Pope Kyrillos VI.

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    Nov 26

    Your Grace,
    I like to take reading material with me when I go to the bathroom. Is it wrong to be sitting on the toilet and reading the bible?

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    Nov 23

    Taking high school boys on a retreat is like “The Lord of the Flies” but without the loin clothes and conch shell.

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    Nov 19

    “On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let’s see the evolutionists try and figure this one out.”

    – Unknown

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    Nov 17

    Its depressing when your entire life can be summed up in a zolofft commercial

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    Nov 15

    How many Egyptian adults does it take to make a cup of tea?
    None, that whats the children are for.

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    Nov 13

    Why is it mothers don’t ever remember hitting you but yet can remember the something you did wrong 20 years ago to the minutest detail?

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    Nov 13

    “I have no problem subsidizing someone who sits on a couch all day reading magazines and watching television, because frankly we need people like that, but to over-educated yourself out of any hope of employement, I take issue.”

    – from “Absolutely Fabulous”

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    Nov 07

    “[Mormon forefathers] believed, as we do now, that plural (i.e. polygamous) marriages is one of the experiences you should have to become like God, who has more than one wife himself.”

    – Anne Wilde, mormon author

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    Nov 05

    Its never ever a good sign when riding in a car with a priest and he suddenly starts driving very slow and staring at you in response to something you said.

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    2001 December

    Dec 27

    You know you’re Egyptian if Benny Hill was the only program you sat and watched as a family (with the exception of your mother who would hate the show)

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    Dec 26

    Saying you don’t look suspicious while in an airport, instantly makes you suspicious.

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    Dec 24

    There is a misconception that Santa is a jolly fat man in a red suit that cavorts with flying reindeer. In actuality Santa is not such a benign entity. He is a megalomaniacal despot bent on eventual world domination, not unlike the UNAbomber. He makes us believe, that he rides a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and delivers toys to good boys and girls, by using nanotechnology, A.K.A. microscopic robots. What he does is manufactures tinsel containing these microscopic robots (and who has ever seen a christmas display without tinsel, think about it) and when the tinsel is touched or moved it releases thousands of these robots into the air. They are then inhaled and burrow through the avoeli and get into the blood stream. From the blood stream the eventually attach themselves to the brain stem. Once there, through controlled electrical discharges which he can control via radio signals which he can easily piggyback unto the worldwide GPS signals, he can make people buy things to give to others and give credit to a fat man who has a thing for midgets and reindeer, or other sorts of nonsense.
    You might say that sounds harmless enough what does this have to do with world domination? I pose this question to you in reply, have you noticed christmas decorations have been going up and being put on sale earlier and earlier? It is at the point where the christmas stuff is around before the “back to school” stuff is. Also he use this system to make people do stupid things during the holidays such as drink eggnog ( its a raw egg milkshake for Christ’s sake). Also what happens if he one decides to lend out the system to the easter bunny!!!
    Food for thought.

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    Dec 20

    “I heard there is no Christmas
    In the silly Middle East
    No trees, no snow, no Santa Claus
    They have different religious beliefs
    They believe in Muhammad
    And not in our holiday
    And so every December
    I go to the Middle East and say…

    “Hey there Mr. Muslim
    Merry f—ing Christmas
    Put down that book the Koran
    And hear some holiday wishes.

    In case you haven’t noticed
    It’s Jesus’s birthday.
    So get off your heathen Muslim ass
    and f—-ing celebrate.”

    – Mr. Garrison of “South Park”

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    Dec 17

    It not funny being living proof that God has a sense of humor.

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    Dec 12

    “Wit is educated insolence”

    – Aristotle

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    Dec 11

    “When buying a pet and you want to have fun, ask the salesperson `So how do you cook it?’”

    – unknown

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    Dec 10

    Oddly enough, women don’t take being told, that they have great hips for child-bearing, as a complement.

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    Dec 06

    You know things have gone horribly wrong with your sunday school class, when you find yourself coming to class more heavily armed each week.

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    Dec 04

    “And in a window sat a certain young man named Eutychus, who was sinking into a deep sleep. He was overcome by sleep; and as Paul continued speaking, he fell down from the third story and was taken up dead. ” Acts 20:9

    Interpretation: Being saint does not mean a person is skilled in all things nor does a person have to be to become a saint (lucky thing). As we can see St. Paul was a writer of many deeply significant epistles, and yet a dull public speaker. He may have been the only man in history to literally bore a man to death.

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    2002 January

    Jan 31

    There really isn’t a word for “sexy” in Arabic.

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    Jan 30

    Good Deed: Give an elderly man, you don’t know, a ride home from the hospital.

    Not so Good Deed: Give an elderly man, you don’t know, ride home from the hospital, where he just escaped from the psychiatric ward.

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    Jan 29

    You know you have loser’s luck when you get a speeding ticket at a stoplight by an officer on foot.

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    Jan 25

    Isn’t it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction listen to weather forecasts and economists?

    – Kelvin Throop

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    Jan 21

    No single straight male should ever face the ignominy of having to shop for curtains by himself.

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    Jan 09

    Then Lot went up out of Zoar and dwelt in the mountains, and his two daughters were with him; for he was afraid to dwell in Zoar. And he and his two daughters dwelt in a cave. Now the firstborn said to the younger, “Our father is old, and there is no man on the earth to come in to us as is the custom of all the earth. “Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve the lineage of our father.” So they made their father drink wine that night. And the firstborn went in and lay with her father, and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. It happened on the next day that the firstborn said to the younger, “Indeed I lay with my father last night; let us make him drink wine tonight also, and you go in and lie with him, that we may preserve the lineage of our father.” Then they made their father drink wine that night also. And the younger arose and lay with him, and he did not know when she lay down or when she arose. Thus both the daughters of Lot were with child by their father.

    Genesis 19:31-37

    Interpretation: By this passage it is abundantly clear that the “Jerry Springer Show” has its origins in scripture. This program is not “trash tv” as some claim but rather a powerful evangelical tool that illuminates these difficult passages and show their applications and ramifications in everyday life.

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    Jan 07

    Your Grace,
    Why doesn’t Santa Claus deliver toys on January 7. I learned in sunday school that Santa Claus was Saint Nicholas, Bishop of Mora, Turkey and he was orthodox. So there should be any reason he doesn’t deliver toys on Jan. 7, if anything he should be delivering anything on Dec. 25 since he’s orthodox and everything. Could you have the pope pray and make St. Nick deliver toys on Jan. 7 because I don’t think its fair that we get no toys just because we follow a different calendar.

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    Jan 04

    Now King David was old, advanced in years; and they put covers on him, but he could not get warm. Therefore his servants said to him, “Let a young woman, a virgin, be sought for our lord the king, and let her stand before the king, and let her care for him; and let her lie in your bosom, that our lord the king may be warm.” So they sought for a lovely young woman throughout all the territory of Israel, and found Abishag the Shunammite, and brought her to the king. The young woman was very lovely; and she cared for the king, and served him; but the king did not know her.
    1 Kings 1:1-4

    Interpertation: It is not wrong to hire beautiful girls to keep you warm at night if you are cold and by the same token any enterprising young woman who wishes to earn money keeping men warm in there beds may do so.

    By the way the heat doesn’t work in my apartment .

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    Jan 01

    Don’t think of the new year as being one more year closer to the end, but as 365.25 fewer days of misery you have to experience.

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    2001 October

    Oct 30

    Sayedna,
    On the way home from grocery shopping I was listen to liturgy on tape in the car when I noticed there was a loaf of bread in the back seat. Now I don’t know if its transformed to the Body of Christ or not. Please help.
    (submitted by p.k.)

    Your Grace
    On a retreat, we braided the beard of our abouna while he was napping and took pictures. We thought it was harmless fun until he forbade us from recieving the sacraments until we give him all copies of the pictures and negatives. We think this is unfair, its not like we shaved off his beard (we decided against that). Whats your opinion?

    Your Grace,
    I’m convinced my entire Sunday School class is possessed. There is no way any human being can act the way they do in church, I mean the devil had more respect to God in the Book of Job than these children do. Other sunday school teachers have literally run screaming from the room never to return to the Coptic Orthodox church again. As a result I am convinced their possesion is so total that the only solution is to have my entire class burnt at the stake. Please advise.

    You Grace,
    There must be an effort in the church to introduce the parents to unique names for their children. In my sunday school class I have 6 Kyrillouses, 4 Minas and 3 Marks. I even seen families where every daugther was named Maryann. And calling the children by their last name doesn’t help because 3/4 the church is either Hanna or Gerges. This is leading to mass confusion in the church. Can your Grace help us with a solution.

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    Oct 26

    “Two things you need about in life, women and booze. Each by themselves have the makings of a good time but mixing the two makes you a dumbass.”

    – Red Forman from “That 70s Show”

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    Oct 23

    God smiles down upon many with good fortune, as for me He smirks.

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    Oct 22

    “I’m shoked at some of these bible stories, some of these images are so violent and terrifying I’m afraid they’d traumitize the youngsters. So I took the liberty of editing them, for instance “Daniel in the Lion’s Den”. I changed it to “Daniel in the Petting Zoo”.”

    – adapted from “Kudzu” comic strip

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    Oct 19

    Recents studies have shown marathon running is bad for the heart by overstressing it and on the other hand drinking beer is good for the heart may even reduce risks of certain cancers.

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    Oct 15

    You know how everyone says “May God reward you.”; well does the Church have a special office in charge of disbursements, where one can go to get an cash advance on his/her heavenly reward.

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    Oct 11

    When your mother says you are free to do whatever you want; you ARE NOT! Its a trap!!!! Do exactly what she wants or you will pay a dear price for it. (N.B. this also applies for wives)

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    Oct 06

    “Prolonged exposure to women causes mental disorientation and physical confusion.”

    – from “Ed, Edd, & Eddy”

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    Oct 05

    1285 – Philip III of France died of the plague.

    1796 – Spain declared war on Britain in the Napoleonic Wars.

    1859 – An arsonist sets fire inside New York City’s iron and glass Crystal Palace, the most presitigious museum in the U.S. at the time. It burns to the ground, causing $2M damage and destroying thousands of priceless artifacts.

    1859 – An arsonist sets fire inside New York City’s iron and glass Crystal Palace, the most presitigious museum in the U.S. at the time. It burns to the ground, causing $2M damage and destroying thousands of priceless artifacts.

    1877 – After marching for more than 1,400 miles and confronting 2,000 US soldiers along the way, Chief Joseph surrendered with starving remnant of Nez Perce people.

    1930 – The British airship R101 crashed on its first flight at Allonne, near Beauvais, France, killing 48 of its 54 passengers.

    1942 – German engineer Herman Graebe witnesses a Nazi mass execution in the Ukraine.

    1942 – America’s ‘Yankee Doodle Dandy’, George M. Cohan, died at age 64.

    1954 – Blaming “conflicting career demands” for the breakup of their 9-month marriage, screen actress Marilyn Monroe filed suit for divorce in Santa Monica, California, against baseball star Joe DiMaggio on grounds of mental cruelty

    1970 – Anwar Sadat was nominated to succeed Gamal Abdel Nasser as president of Egypt.

    1994 – Almost 50 members of the Order of the Solar Temple sect died in two suicide fires in Switzerland.

    1998 – Infamous David Letterman stalker, Margaret Ray, age 46, committed suicide by kneeling in front of a train in Colorado.

    1999 – In a move reminiscent of a strange combination of Nazi crimes committed against Gypsies and the postwar construction of the Berlin Wall, the town of Usti nad Labem in the Czech Republic begins construction of a wall to separate a portion of its Gypsy population away from more respectable folks.

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    Oct 04

    Never play Russian roulette with an automatic, it takes all the fun out of the game. (or just make sure you go last.)

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    2001 September

    Sep 29

    “Did the Ephesians ever write back ?”

    – Unknown

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    Sep 27

    “1/3 of all Tawainese funeral processions include a stripper.”

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    Sep 26

    “Do not try the patience of a wizard, for we are subtle and quick to anger”

    – Gandalf from J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Hobbit”

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    Sep 25

    When choosing a pet, only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

    – from “The Onion”

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    Sep 22

    The tune to the hymn/song “Love, Love, Love, the gospel in a word is love…” taught by H.G. Anba Moussa bears an uncanny resemblance to a traditional Celtic song about “Souling” an ancient tradition which is the forerunner to trick or treating, where people would leave a soul cake to appease to spirits that wander about during All Hallows Eve (Samhain).

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    Sep 21

    Here is a weird piece of info. Apparently for the old Atari 2600 (remember it?), there were a slew of x-rated games made for it. It begs the question with the extremely low resolution on the atari how can you tell those are naked people?

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    Sep 04

    If satan had given Job a computer he would have surely cursed God then.

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    2001 August

    Aug 16

    You know you’re in trouble, when during confession the priest starts making sarcastic comments.

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    Aug 14

    “Because of National Geographics Magazine, I was 14 years old before I learned not every naked woman carried a spear”

    – David Brennar

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    Aug 12

    “Surely all hell has broken loose, for sure the gates of hell have opened. For no humans can make this noise.”

    – His Grace Anba A.M.

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    Aug 10

    “The best vegetable is meat”

    -Old Alsatian saying

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