“If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there’s a finite number of idiots.”

– Steven Coallier

For Him:

A woman stabbed her husband because he washed-up too slowly. Yara Maher, 23, allegedly plunged a six-inch kitchen knife into Khaled Saber’s back because she wanted to go out and he was delaying things by taking too long doing the dishes. Saber, whose condition is stable, told police that after stabbing him, his wife called an ambulance. Yara has been charged with assault and remanded in custody. (Middle East Times 5/2002)

A bed-hopper who ignored his wife’s warnings of dire consequences if he carried on drinking, philandering and consorting with prostitutes is recovering in hospital after she cut off his penis. The woman, a 21-year-old Cairo university student, reportedly waited until her 25-year-old husband fell asleep in their marital bed after yet another night out on the town. She then used a knife to slice off his penis. The husband, who woke up when he felt “a burning sensation”, says he now feels like “a finished man”. The wife is in police custody. (From Al Ahram, January 1)
A woman is divorcing her husband because he said he would not be giving her flowers on St. Valentine’s Day. She says her husband claimed that he was a ‘romantic type’ when they got married last year but then said that he could not recognize St. Valentine’s Day because it was not an Arab tradition. “I cannot live with a man who does not respect and observe key occasions. He could just as easily ignore my birthday or our wedding anniversary,” said the unhappy wife, who lives in Alexandria. (From Al Ahram, February 9)

Samir Atta could not use his hand for two weeks after his mother-in-law bit it when they started to argue over his wish to listen to music while his children were sleeping. Mohandiseen police reported that the woman’s teeth had damaged some of Samir’s tendons. A doctor commented: “A human bite can be dangerous because one person’s germs may be very harmful to another.” (From Al Ahram, February 6)

When a husband returned to Egypt after three years working abroad, he discovered that his wife was eight months pregnant. He accused her of infidelity and sought a DNA test to support his claim. As expected, the testing proved that he was not the father of the unborn baby. However, it also showed that he was impotent and that his two sons belonged to someone else.(From Al Morakeb, April 28)

Two women have been arrested for allegedly using hypnosis to rob a man. Police say the two women lured the man into a park by promising that they would read his palm. They left their victim sitting on a bench in a hypnotic trance. When he woke up, after about 30 minutes, he found that the women had disappeared – and so had his wallet. The two women have been charged with robbery. (Al Gumhurriya, March 8)

A man is recovering at home after doctors managed to sew back his penis and testicles, which had been bitten off by his wife during a row. Police say the 30-year-old wife faces assault charges. She is alleged to have overpowered her 45-year-old husband during a two-hour argument. “By the time my neighbor came to my rescue, she had bitten off both my testicles and the penis. I doubt whether I will regain my manhood,” the husband said. (Middle East Times)

A woman bit her maid’s breasts so often that a nipple fell off, a court heard. Hospital employee Amal Hamed, outwardly a ‘model citizen’, has pleaded guilty to abusing her 19-year-old housemaid. She repeatedly bit the maid’s breast and nipples, through her T-shirt or on her bare skin, causing “severe bodily pain”. She also poked the young woman’s thighs with scissors and hit her on the head with the back of a chopper. The defense submitted that Hamed had been suffering from post-natal depression. She was remanded in custody pending a psychiatric examination. (Al Ahaly, March 9)

An Al Moneeb street trader was forced to wander the streets naked after breaking off his engagement to a local girl. Three men, one of them a relative of the “disengaged” girl, decided to avenge her by beating the trader, forcing him to strip and making him walk naked through the crowded streets. Passers-by gathered round to help the man, while police hunted for his attackers. Three men are now helping the police with their enquiries. (From Al Akhbar, April 17)

A man’s testicles were ripped out during a row with his wife. He was taken to hospital for surgery to have them put back. She has been charged with aggravated assault. The man, who hasn’t been named, had been celebrating his 46th birthday. An argument broke out when he returned home. Police said during the fight, the woman got hold of her partner’s testicles and pulled so hard she tore them from his scrotum. “Last we heard, he was at one of Cairo’s private hospitals waiting for surgery to have them put back in,” Officer Mahmoud Al Demerdash said. “That was quite a birthday present he got.” Such an injury, caused by a person’s bare hands, is rare, said Dr. Mamdouh Azmi, a urologist at the private hospital where the man is being treated. “It must have been one hell of a pull,” he said. “I’ve heard of the slicing off of a penis but the pulling out, or off, of testicles by a spouse or a human is pretty uncommon. I’ve never seen it and I’ve been in practice for 50 years.” Azmi added: “If the testicles are pulled right off then he’s gone. He’s not going to have any testicles. If, on the other hand, the scrotum was pulled off …and the testicles are intact then it’s not a big deal to sew the scrotum back on, depending on how badly it was wrenched off.” (From Al Masaa, September 2)

For Her:

A man sent his left middle finger to his ex-girlfriend’s workplace as a St. Valentine’s Day gift. Kamal Saaid sent the finger in a black ring box to the unnamed woman although they had split up 18 months earlier. The women complained and the 24-year-old man has been charged with aggravated harassment pending a psychological assessment. Police say the man “was trying to impress his ex-girlfriend.” (From Al Ahaly, February 14)

A man killed his mother and then planned to kill his sister in pacts with the devil that he believed would make him wealthy and handsome – and give him a bigger penis. The 28-year-old is in prison awaiting psychiatric examination. (From Al Akhbar, February 4)

A bridegroom allegedly smashed his head on the pavement and claimed that he’d been robbed so that he would not have to pay a dowry demanded by his future father-in-law. The 27-year-old man, from haram , Giza, at first said that three men robbed him of E£30,000 on what should have been his wedding day, but he then admitted to police that he had faked the robbery because he could not afford to pay the required dowry. Afterwards, his fiancée said that she did not want to see him again and that she wanted him to pay the expenses of the cancelled wedding celebration. Her parents are insisting that the luckless man be charged with falsifying a crime. (From Al Ahram, February 20)

A Zamalek mother is advertising in a ‘lonely hearts’ column – for a daughter-in-law. She says she is seeking an “outgoing” woman between 22 and 27 for her shy 26-year-old son. Looks aren’t important, she says. (From Al Gumhurriya, February 23)

Egyptian authorities have arrested a man for having five permanent wives – one more than permitted under Islamic law – and for briefly marrying 29 underage girls over the past two years, police said Thursday.

A newly-wed husband stitched his lips together after his wife ordered him to stop speaking during sex. Yasser Fakhry, a 32-year-old farmer from Tanta, took the action when his wife Farah complained about his chattering after they’d had sex. He got up and stitched his lips together. His wife found him the next morning huddled in a corner and bleeding from the mouth. “It was terrible. With his mouth sealed and face swollen, he looked like a monkey. I’m beginning to wonder if I have married some kind of idiot. It’s nice to have an obedient husband but I didn’t realize he would go this far,” she said. “It was a simple matter really. She wanted me to seal my lips and I did just that to show how much I respected her wishes,” said Yasser. (From Al Gumhurriya, February 14)

A man has been arrested for biting off part of his mother-in-law’s cheek in a dinnertime row. Police say it happened after the man and his wife went to her mother’s house for dinner. They argued over the meal and the 45-year-old woman was bitten on the cheek. Doctors at Cairo’s Kasr Al Aini hospital successfully reattached the severed part of the cheek. (From Al Gumhuriya, March 1)

Police in Shubra El Khayma have arrested a carpenter for allegedly beating his wife to death during a row over the family’s monthly budget. According to police reports, the trouble erupted when the 38-year-old husband called his wife a “compulsive shopper”. Unfortunately for the 28-year-old wife her rejoinder that her husband was “miserly” reportedly triggered a savage attack. (From Al Akhbar, April 17)

After ten months of marriage, a woman sought a divorce because her husband had not consummated the marriage. The virgin bride fell victim to the over-protective nature of her mother-in-law, who feared that sex would make her son a slave to his new wife. By various stratagems, the mother-in-law successfully prevented any sexual activity between the newly-weds. The divorce court terminated the marriage after a medical examination showed that the wife was still a virgin. (From Al Morakeb, April 28)

A newly-wed man in Damanhour asked his brother to move out so that his new bride could move in. The brother, who decided instead to kill his sister-in-law, has confessed to strangling her while she was on her honeymoon. (Akhbar El Hawadeth, April 11)

An Egyptian man allegedly phoned a woman 220 times demanding to be her husband. Police have arrested Mamdouh Abdel Kader on suspicion of stalking the 25-year-old office worker. Abdel Kader allegedly made the calls to her office, mobile and home during a one-month period. The pair met through work. Police say 37-year-old Mamdouh had ignored previous warnings to leave the woman alone. From Al Gumhurriya, October 3

An Egyptian farmer has tied himself to his ewe in protest at being refused accommodation by 20 landlords. The man, identified only as Abdel Tawab, has just moved from his village seeking a new home. He says he will remain tied to the ewe until they find somewhere to live together. “I don’t really see why I shouldn’t be allowed to live with my sheep, as I did for all of my life. She’s very tranquil, the ideal companion to share a life with,” he said. “I am waiting for somebody from the government to come and tell me what I should do in order to live with my animal.” (From Al Akhbar, September 30)

“You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word.”

– Al Capone

“You can know the color of the egg a chicken will lay by the color of its earlobes, chickens that lay white eggs have white earlobes, and browen eggs come from chickens that have red or brownish earlobes.”

-Martha Stewart

“Life is not a bitch, its that snivelling little rat-faced punk who pushes you when your back is turn and would kick you when you were down.”

-unknown

You know you have loser’s luck when you get a speeding ticket at a stoplight by an officer on foot.

No single straight male should ever face the ignominy of having to shop for curtains by himself.

Don’t think of the new year as being one more year closer to the end, but as 365.25 fewer days of misery you have to experience.

You know you’re Egyptian if Benny Hill was the only program you sat and watched as a family (with the exception of your mother who would hate the show)

Saying you don’t look suspicious while in an airport, instantly makes you suspicious.

Oddly enough, women don’t take being told, that they have great hips for child-bearing, as a complement.

Its depressing when your entire life can be summed up in a zolofft commercial

Why is it mothers don’t ever remember hitting you but yet can remember the something you did wrong 20 years ago to the minutest detail?

“I have no problem subsidizing someone who sits on a couch all day reading magazines and watching television, because frankly we need people like that, but to over-educated yourself out of any hope of employement, I take issue.”

– from “Absolutely Fabulous”

Its never ever a good sign when riding in a car with a priest and he suddenly starts driving very slow and staring at you in response to something you said.

When your mother says you are free to do whatever you want; you ARE NOT! Its a trap!!!! Do exactly what she wants or you will pay a dear price for it. (N.B. this also applies for wives)

Never play Russian roulette with an automatic, it takes all the fun out of the game. (or just make sure you go last.)

When choosing a pet, only choose a pet you are reasonably confident you can defeat in hand-to-hand struggle, in case of food-chain-hierarchy disputes.

– from “The Onion”

Here is a weird piece of info. Apparently for the old Atari 2600 (remember it?), there were a slew of x-rated games made for it. It begs the question with the extremely low resolution on the atari how can you tell those are naked people?