“When I was a child I used to pray fervently to God for a bicycle, but realized in God in His infinite wisdom did not work that way. So I stole one and prayed for forgiveness.”
– Emo Philips
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Confessor: Abouna, I have a problem you need to help me with.
Priest: What is it? With God’s help we can find a solution.
Confessor: I need help smuggling 9 tons of gold I have in Egypt into the US.
Priest:…
Confessor: I don’t want the goevernment to take half of it in taxes.
Priest:… 9 tons…
Confessor: Yes.
Priest: Okay… Why are you asking me how to smuggle things into the country? You do realize I’m a priest and not part of a gang?
Confessor: It is because you are priest I’m asking you. You hear all sorts of thing in confession and sure you have some smugglers who confess to you telling you their tricks.
Based on a true story
Thank to T.N.
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The Devil is real and he is out to get you (Watch out he’s behind you): A lesson to stress the fact that the Devil is after the child (cf 1Peter 5:8) and that he might even be hiding in their closet or under their bed. The only thing to protect them is going to church, praying and fasting. If they slack the devil will then get them. Reinforce with footage of possessed people and exorcisms. Nothing like religious paranoia to keep them on the straight and narrow.
May also be adapted for a sermon topic
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The Blessed Theotokos St. Mary on the eve of the feast of her dormition appeared in the church of St. George & St. Paphnutius. The miraculous apparition occurred at the revival (nahda) services – that common in the Coptic church during the period of St. Mary’s Fast – during the performance of of the various choirs in the church. At first doves of light were seen in the church which then flocked togeher over the chorus area in front of the altar. There they then coalesced together and then ever-virgin St. Mary appeared. All the while the choir was singing. Suddenly in a move that has never occurred in her apparitions in the history of our church, she spoke aloud. She said, “Stop”. The choir paused briefly but when she did not say anything else started to sing again. She then spoke again, “No, seriously stop singing.” She then disappeared in a flock of doves of light and a cloud of incense. The dumbstruck choir then went back to their seats and no other choir sang that night.
One Mr. Mohsen Youssef Adly, with tears of joy streaming down his face, exclaimed that now he can depart in peace as Simeon the elder, for God has answered his prayers and brought an end to the signing of the choirs. Choirs that caused the angels to weep and not in a good way. Later he told his friends that these choirs were God-awful and they just kept going year after year just because every parent wanted to see their kids up there and to justify the church expenditure for a Casio keyboard. It was torture. He also doubt the theological soundness of some of the songs they shrieked. When one of the priests of the church were asked their opinion of the matter, confidentially mentioned he wouldn’t mind if she apppeared to a few of the deacons as well.
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Not So Spiritual Words 