2009 September

Jenkem Boy final worked up the nerve to to return to the service after his last tragic attempt to teach Sunday School, where he and Captain Coptic would have been boiled alive in candle wax if not for the appearance of Bohairic Girl to save them.  To added insult to injury, he found out being martyred by your own Sunday School was not an event worthy of a Synaxarium entry; which thought was unfair considering there is six pages dedicated to a solar eclipse.

Jenkem Boy was extremely nervous. This time Captain Coptic and Bohairic Girl were not around to rescue him if things went bad. But he managed to get himself placed in a class without any of abouna’s sons, since they were the ringleaders behind the plot to make him a modern day martyr, and  in a class of kindergartners, who he thought would be nice and innocent.  Owing to his busy schedule as a superhero sidekick, he did not have a chance to look at a the curriculum book but thought to himself how tough can it be to tell a story to little kids.  Then again Custer thought how tough can a group of indians be.  So Jenkem Boy looked to the lesson of the day and found it to be about the death of Arius. “Death of Arius??!!” he puzzled. He first check the the curriculum book to make sure it was the right one. Sure enough it was the Kindergarten curriculum.  “This has to be a mistake”, he thought as he went to find the head of Sunday School.

“Uncle, I have a problem.”, Jenkem Boy stated.
“Have the kids tried to kill you again?” asked the Head of Sunday School incredulously.
“No, thank God. I just don’t think the lesson on the death of Arius is appropriate for little children.”
“See your problem is that you think. A servant does, he does not waste time thinking but is active doing God’s work.” stated the Head of Sunday School, as a matter of fact.
“But Uncle the death of Arius might not ..” The head of sunday interrupted angrily exclaiming, “But nothing! Do you know more than His Holiness and all the bishops of the church, the successors of the apostles chosen by God. These blessed and learned men have approved the curriculum and think it is good for the proper spiritual growth of the children!”

Jenkem Boy muttered under his breath “But the pope and bishops aren’t infallible.” Though not quite quietly enough because the Head of Sunday School, a man of clear thinking not cluttered by facts, looked at him angrily and said, “So you are saying the Holy Spirit is not guiding the Synod?! Eh?!”

Realizing he was going nowhere fast reluctantly apologized, “I’m sorry, the Devil made me think. I won’t let it happen again. I will go teach the lesson now.” As he trudged to the class, head held low, he uttered a silently prayer to God, “Please Lord send the Holy Spirit to enlighten my mind and speak on my tongue to guide those who You have entrusted to me or strike me dead now. Personally I’d rather be struck dead. Amen.” As he turn the door knob to the class room and found himself still breathing sighed, “Why God have you forsaken me”, and entered the class.  When he entered the room he found it filled with bright eager faces, he thought this may actually work, thank God.

“Hi kids, today I’m going to tell you all of the story of Arius. Do you all know who Arius is?” All the kids shook their head attentively waiting for more. This gave Jenkem Boy hope, maybe God has answered his prayers. He started “Arius was a bad man.” Immediately a hand shot up. “Yes, Mina.” A little voice asked, “Was he muslim?”
“No, Mina”
“Are you sure, Uncle.”
“Yes.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Because my dad says all muslims are bad. So if Arius is bad, he must be a muslim.”
“No, Mina. Arius was not muslim. Actually he was an abouna.” A collective gasp went out from the class, their eyes wide with shock. Another little hand tentatively went up. “Yes, Mina.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Not you, the other Mina.”
“Who me?”
“No not you, the Mina with his hand raised.”
“Uncle is abouna muslim?”
“No, abouna is a Christian.”
“But you said he was a bad man and Mina’s dad says all muslims are bad.”
“Abouna is a good man.” Jenkem Boy said starting to get frustrated.
” If Arius was a bad man and an abouna, then the abounas have to be bad.”
“You know what, Arius was a fake abouna!” Jenkem Boy thinking this will quell further controversy. It was much like eating fiseekh for an upset stomach.
“So he was wearing a fake beard and costume like I did in the christmas skit” piped up a fourth Mina. Parents really need to be more creative with names thought Jenkem Boy.
“No he had a real beard.” Jenkem boy said but realized it was a mistake the minute it left his lips.
“Then he has to be muslim because they have beards and are bad. But how can he be an abouna, even a fake one, because muslims don’t have abounas?” exclaimed maybe the only boy not named Mina or Kyrillous in the class.
Jenkem Boy slowly felt his grip on sanity slipping as he fervently utter his silent pray that God strike him dead immediately. In a last ditch effort to maintain control “Arius was a fake abouna who had a real beard to trick people to think he was a real abouna and not a muslim!” The class all nodded their heads satisfied with this explanation. Jenkem Boy let out a deep breath, not sure if what came out of his mouth was divine inspiration or the last bits of his sanity. So Jenkem Boy continued, “Arius was a bad man because hes said bad things about Jesus.”
“Did he call Jesus a poopy-head?” shout a voice from the back. Before Jenkem Boy could respond, the class started laughing and chiming in with all sorts of names Arius should have called Jesus like monkey-butt, stinky feet, and others that Jenkem Boy was sure that if St. Athansius was alive he would have the entire class taken to the city gates and stoned to death.
“No! No! No! Everyone quiet and I’ll tell you what Arius said about Jesus.” Jenkem Boy shouted.  The class went silent in anticipation of learning a new insult they could use. “He said that Jesus was different from His Father” stated the now frazzled Jenkem Boy. The class was disappointed, this was not the super insult they expected.  A little girl raised her hand and asked “Whats wrong with that? I’m different than my dad. He’s a boy and I’m a girl.” One of the many Minas, Jenkem Boy stopped caring which one, added “My dad has a moustache and I don’t have one.”  They all looked at each nodding in agreement. Then the boy not named Mina asked, “Are you sure arius was a bad man, because that don’t sound so bad.”
“Crap” thought Jenkem Boy, “I’ve just created a generation of arians.” To fix the situation he quickly added “And Arius said Jesus was a dum-dum.” This seem to satisfy the class to evil of Arius. Deciding to cut his loses and end the lesson already he concluded “Because Arius said bad things about Jesus, he got a tummyache and when he went to the bathroom and died.” The boys all laughed, thought that was the coolest thing God ever did and decide to try and trick their siblings into saying something bad about Jesus before they go to the bathroom. Then one girl started to cry. Jenkem Boy started to panic. This isn’t the type of emergency, they teach you to deal with in superhero sidekick seminary school. Heretical hyperintelligent mutant monkeys, no problem.  A crying little girl, on the other hand, no good. It was enough to make him want to curl up in a fetal position and weep himself. But he held back to retain what little dignity he had left.  “Whats wrong?” He asked not really wanting to know the answer but felt it was the appropriate thing to do.
“My tummy hurts and I don’t wanna die when I go to the bathroom!” she sobbed.
“Did you say something bad about Jesus?”
“No”
“Then you’re safe only bad people who say bad things about Jesus die in bathrooms” he replied hoping this logic makes sense to her. She stopped crying but did not look a hundred percent convinced.  Jenkem Boy decided to cut his loses and hope in the children’s short attention spans. He decided to have the class repeat after him “God is Love” for the next 10 minutes.
“So what did everyone learn?” Jenkem Boy asked with bated breath.
In one voice they all said “God is Love” Jenkem Boy thanked God and thought he dodged a bullet until one boy decided to add “And that muslim abounas with fake beards should not go to the bathrooms.”
“God why must You mock me?” wailed Jenkem Boy, as he wonder why he wanted to teach Sunday School again.