2007 January

After Theophany liturgy, Los Angelos parishoner Soliman Boulos declined to go to his parents to eat the traditional ol’ass, claiming he was tired and needed sleep. His upset mother reminded him of the old saying of whoever does not eat ol’ass on the Theophany will wake up with out a head (it rhymes in arabic) He shrugged it off as he went to his apartment to sleep. His sleep was interrupted with countless nightmares of being headless. Gripped with this irrational fear, he raced to his parents still in his pajamas to get some ol’ass. His mother overjoyed to see him began to cook a full meal for him included the desperately desired ol’ass. His father disgustedly said to him “Be a man” and went back to sleep.

In a local New Jersey church what was supposed to be joyous event turned into a tragic bloodbath, when Stephen Botrous, aghnostos age 30, killed four fellow deacons with his bare hands during the Liturgy. When asked why a distraught Botrous replied “Its not fair. I wait all year for this Liturgy and end up being in the midst of hell during it. The deacon to the right of me believed himself the reincarnation of Mikahail El-Batanoni with a worse voice and no sense of rhythm or pitch. The deacon to to the left of me insisted on recited all the priest parts along with abouna yet stayed silent when we were singing a hymn. The man behind me was just singing any hymn he happened to know, unfortunately they were none of the ones everyone else was praying. The man in front of me apparent was following an old canon where bathing was considered breaking the fast and that he would just keep backing into me stepping on my feet. To top it all off some random kid decides its past his bedtime and sprawls himself across the bench to go to sleep prevents us from sitting for most of the liturgy. It was too much I just snapped.” Botrous in remembering his trauma then broke down in tears. A statement from his lawyer from the firm of Theodorus, Theodorus, Paneteus & Leontius state that “Mr. Botrous has confessed and received absolution for his acts and hope that the courts take this into consideration.” On the conditions of anonymity fellow deacons cheer Stephen Botrous’ actions saying things like “He should be put in the Synaxarium for this.”, “If he didn’t do it I would have eventually.” and “There should be more cullings of unfit deacons and liturgies would be more enjoyable”.