– “Hey you wanna make your next confession more exciting?”
– Ask to borrow their agpeya/bible and slip your number into it.
– “I wish you were my Sunday School teacher, because I bet you can teach me a thing or two.”
– “I have some holy oil, if you want to be anointed.”
– “I can help have your mother stop nagging you about marriage.”
– “I’ve fasted and prayed for three days and the Lord has sent you to me.”
– “Didn’t I see you during the Easter procession?”
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Local man Mohsen AbdelMessieh, a devout and practicing Copt, finds himself wracked with guilt and confusion every Wednesday and Friday during the Blessed 50 Days. The source of his dilemma is as he states. “During the 50 Days theres no fasting of any type but for 90% of Wednesdays and Fridays of the year one is fasting. So it is ingrain that i should be fasting on these days but I’m not supposed to. I’m so conflicted.”
When Coptic News Network asked other members of the congregation if they suffered the same trials and tribulations as Mohsen. Many did not have as much difficulty adjusting. There was one fellow who insisted on remaining anonymous who seem ed to have the opposite problem of Mohsen. “What do you mean fast on Wednesdays and Fridays? You for real. You mean it wasn’t sort of scam conspiracy whipped up by the falafel stand owners.” stated this anonymous congregant before running off to hide from his father of confession.
When it was suggested to Mohsen, as a possible solution, to continue to fast on these days; he replied “Hell, no. And blow my chance to eating a cheeseburger at Friday bible study and not get beat up by abouna for it.”
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Ekhristos Anesti ( or as the Militant Copt Reviewer would say “Ekhristos Aftonf and you will burn if you get the response wrong”) (I know its a few days late but the management was waylaid by some bad eggs probably laid by a chicken with poor morals but I digress)
Your Grace,
Recently we have observed that, when Abouna blesses the congregation with water during the end of service hymn, he has been taking drastic shortcuts, completely against the liturgical rites set forth by our fathers, St. Basil, St. Gregory, and St. Cyril. Our church is so big, that it takes hours to bless all the people in the traditional way. So, instead of taking a jug of water and throwing water with just his right hand, to improve efficiency, Abouna has asked a deacon to pour water into both his left and right hands, and throw water with both hands simultaneously, effectively doubling his coverage area. I didn’t think anything of it until recently he has been asking a 2nd deacon to bring a water bottle with him, and while throwing water with his hands, the deacon gives Abouna a swig of water spits water out of his mouth onto the people, essentially tripling his coverage area. Then, after a recent rotator cuff injury, Abouna had to resort to alternative measures. He purchased a Super Soaker water gun, and was able to bless the entire congregation in 2 min 15 sec flat. Then he upgraded to a fire hose, which he used until some unfortunate old lady was knock all the way across the church. Last week was the final draw when Abouna installed a sprinkler system in the roof of the church. He sprayed the entire congregation with a twist of a knob installed in the altar. Sayidna, maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel the same blessing getting sprayed by a water gun or sprinkler system.
– submitted by e.w.i.
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Your Grace,
My abouna has a restraining order placed against me keeping me from teaching Sunday School or getting near the kids. I did not do anything. All I did was come to class with a scourge like was used on Christ in the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. I would have only used it on them if they misbehaved or made example of one of them. Besides it would a great blessing and honor to be treated as our Savior, following in His steps and sharing in His suffering. What can I do to convince abouna that I am actually bestowing a great blessing upon the children?
Sayedna,
Can you convince the Synod committe that deals with Church Rites to change the path of processions to totally bypass the women’s side of church. The women tend to be overzealous in taking a blessing, last Palm Sunday I suffere a concussion and was stripped of my tonia, and I wasn’t carrying anything. The poor deacon that was carrying the icon, he … lets just say the general funeral prayers weren’t so general. We’ve tried wearing police riot gear but those old women are tougher than one expected. One procession abouna disappeared, he was taken as a blessing. Luckily he was found at someone’s grandmother’s house. So for the sake of your sons the deacons, please speak to the synod on our behalf.
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Not So Spiritual Words 