(sung to the tune “Blame Canada” from the South Park movie)
Times have changed,
our schisms are getting worse
They won’t obey the canons they just want to blame and curse
Should we blame the emperor? Or blame society?
Or should we blame the Greek vocabulary?
No, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon
With all their beedy little eyes have packed their heads so full of lies, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon,
we need to form a full assault its Chalcedon’s fault
Don’t blame us for Eutyches, he was a nutty old heretic, we condemned
And Pope Dioscorus, proud defender of the faith but they physically beat up and exiled him
Well? Blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon, it seems that everythings gone wrong since Chalcedon came along, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon
It’s not even a real ecumenical council anyway
Then theres Leo’s Tome, a document that would have not solved anything, but Rome wanted shown anyway
Should we blame the Second Council of Ephesus? Should we blame Dioscourus?
Or the eastern bishops who did not show it?
Heck no, blame Chalcedon, blame Chalcedon, with all their cries of monophysite
And that *itch Pulcheria too
Blame Chalcedon, shame on Chalcedon,
The Nestorians we must stop
The diophysites we must smash
Schisms and anathemas
must all be undone
We must blame them and cause a fuss
Because there is no reason to blame us!
(might want to review Church history to appreciate this one)
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“If you are in the water and a shark attack is imminent- Roar or yell underwater. Some divers report this will scare a shark away.”
– FM21-76 US Army Survival Manual
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Theistic Oxymoronism: Where normally non-religious Copts bring religion in to aspects of their lives it should have no part. Such as one opens a strip club and asks abouna to come and pray in it to bless it. Praying the agpeya at the horse track to improve their odds.
Hereditary Genetic Reversal: When sintly moral parents give birth to child that Satan himself would refuse to take credit for. Or the reversal where people who have managed to survive only by the grace of God give birth to a highly intelligent child. Unfortunately the former is much more prevalent.
Stupidity: Plain old run of the mill stupidity but apparently at higher severity and rates of incidents than in the general population
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<Sixth Sense Syndrome: Usually strikes the aged of the congregation, possibly due to their own proximity to death. The afflicted will be found speaking to saints as if present with them. But this syndrome goes much further than normal piety. They do not only speak to the saints asking their intercessions or help in hardships but can be found arguing with saints over things like the price of milk, complain to them about their children or other such subjects that are of no interest to anyone especially saints.
Coptomegalomania: The sufferer when given a minor responsibilty in the church will naturally assume that he/she should now be consulted by abouna for approval for all things. They believe if the can be trusted for a minor task they can be trusted with the church keys. This also extends with hierarchical matters where if His Holiness happens to know their name, then they assume they are destined to sit on the throne of St. Mark regardless of the fact that they maybe married or women.
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“Mobius strippers never show you their backsides.”
– unknown
In case you didn’t get that bit of nerd humor heres an excerpt from a real scientific journal.
“While the putative mode of action of ajoene is enticing enough to warrant further studies, at present we are far from understanding the molecular basis for the reputed anti-vampire action of garlic in the Middle Ages. Unfortunately, we could not obtain the most desired test system for antivampire activity. Vampires may now be extinct, and a search for the anti-vampire activity in garlic must await development of suitable analytical tools.”
Kumar Jain M., Apitz-Castro R.; Trends in Biochemical Science 12(1987):252-254.
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Prescription: A physician’s guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient
– Ambrose Bierce “Devil’s Dictionary”
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“Talk is based on the assumption that you can get somewhere if you keep putting one word after another.”
– from “Dune: Butlerian Jihad”
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“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you. ”
– Rita Mae Brown
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Queer Eye on the Straight Guy making over H.H. Pope Shenouda.
Real World: Wadi Al Natroun. Watch as seven hermits are taken from the desert and forced to live together in a cell, watch when anchorites stop being polite and start being real.
American Deacon (which on second thought, might actually be a good idea. we need someway to thin the herd.)
COPTS: Filmed live and on location with the men and women of Sunday School “Bad boy, bad boy, what you gonna do, what you gonna do when tant and uncle come for you.”
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Not So Spiritual Words 