2002 November

Nov 25

“And let not a Christian woman bathe with an hermaphrodite; for if she is to veil her face, and conceal it with modesty from strange men, how can she bear to enter naked into the bath together with men? ”

– Didascalia Apostolorum (Apostolic Constitutions) Book I Section III Paragraph IX

I just what to know what the hell was going on in the early church for women bathing with hermaphrodites to be such an issue, that it needed to be put into canon law?

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Nov 23
  • Standard run of the mill Copt will see the sign but disregard it thinking it applies to everyone else but them.
  • Relic hunting Copt will think the pope’s limo must have stop at that sign on the way to their church, so steals the sign as a blessing.
  • Extremely pious Copts will stop and not move until someone tells them its okay to move.
  • Religiously paranoid Copt will debate with himself whether or not stopping at the sign is really God’s will or a ploy by the devil to cause him to fall and in the process run through the sign causing them to debate whether or not to confess the fact he ran through the sign which was God’s will or to praise the Lord for allowing him to overcome a snare of the enemy
  • Militant Copt will think the stop sign was put on purpose on the road they travel by the muslims to oppress them so not only do they refuse stop at the sign but tear it down and write articles on how the sign is an evil plot by the muslims.
  • Super-deacon Copt just drives right through the sign never noticing it because they’re to busy singing to their favorite hymn tape.
  • Guilt ridden Copt stops at the sign but then spends an hour confessing to abouna about how they had bad thoughts about running through the sign.
  • Self-hating Copt will run through the sign (see Standard Copt) but they have a puerto rican flag hanging from the rearview mirror.
  • Frustrated sunday school teacher Copt stops then gets out and runs screaming from a van full of sunday school kids.
  • Overly-legalistic Coptic refuses to stop because nowhere is there anything mentioned in the diskalia or church canons about stop signs.
  • Hypocritical Copt doesn’t stop (see Standard Copt again) but goes out of their way to tell every one they did.
  • Status-seeking Copt tells everyone the stopped at the same stop sign Pope Kyrollous (or any other prominent Copt) did.
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    Nov 20

    “If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?”

    – Art Hoppe

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    Nov 19

    Sayedna,
    I heard one of the reasons we are allowed fish, during some fasts, is that they reproduce without intercourse. So being a geneticist, I’ve developed a cow that that can reproduce without intercourse. So can we be allowed my siami beef during the fasts now?

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    Nov 15

    “George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn’t punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. ”

    – Unknown

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    Nov 14
  • Playing Jesus ring toss, basically trying to get a ring (commonly a roll of masking tape) around Jesus’ head on a statue of the crucifixion.
  • Playing football/basebaseball/soccer in the church building during liturgy. (doubly bad if your dressed as a deacon while doing so)
  • Setting fire to abouna with a candle.
  • Making prank phone calls from the church phone.
  • Perpetrating fraud with church equipment.
  • Creating a more popular parody of a popular email list with religious intentions
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    Nov 13

    It might be time to re-evaluate your career choice when its hazardous to your health not to wash your hands BEFORE going to the bathroom.

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    Nov 12

    Your Holiness
    I have an idea to get the youth more interested in the priesthood, namely the Holy Synod. Bishop baseball cards. Most people couldn’t tell one bishop from a metropolitan from a khoriepiscopos. I mean for the most part one man in a big hat and beard looks like any other man in a big hat with a beard, unless you know them personally or they have some distinctive characteristic like a funky beard. The cards can have interesting stats about each bishop such as number of excommunications or exorcisim performed. The kids would trade and collect them and in the process learn about their bishops.

    Sayedna,
    I’m having visitations from St. Moses the Black. He appears through my fire escape window. Each time he appears, he takes a “gift” or “donation” with him when he leaves. I assume he appears to poor families giving them what he takes because what use is a tv or a vcr to a saint. My question is, how much should I give him? Should I save my tithes and give it to him when appears?

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    Nov 12

    1. The word of the day is legs. Let’s go up to my room and spread the word.
    2. Should I call you in the morning or just nudge you?
    3. My name’s not Elmo but you can tickle me anytime.
    4. (lick her sleeve) Well we better get you out of those wet clothes!
    5. Whoops! Sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
    6. Stick with me baby and I’ll buy you rocks as big as diamonds
    7. Being a multimillionaire really doesn’t mean much when you have a weak heart.
    8. Hi, my name is Milk and I will do your body good
    9. What color lipstick is that? I’ve never kissed that color.
    10. If I could only be with you in my dreams, I would sleep forever.

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    Nov 07

    “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.”

    – unknown

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