Dec 31
The word piss & pisseth (meaning what you think they mean) appears for a total of 8 times in the King James Version of the Holy Bible.
(for those who are curious the verses are 2Kings 18:27, Is 36:12, 1Sam 25:22 & 34, 1Kings 14:10, 1Kings 16:11, 1Kings 21:21, 2Kings 9:8 )
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Dec 30
Being snowed-in is God’s way of forcing families to sit and interact with each other, i.e. family counselling via act of nature; but then again thats how we ended up with the Donner party.
P.S. For those who don’t know, the Donner party was a group of pioneers in the 1800′s that were snowed in the Rockies and ended up eating each other and the last person left was found frozen to death.
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Dec 29
For the men do not use these lines even in times of severe desperation. They do not work at all and will have an adverse effect. If you do, at best the woman in question will look at you contemptuously and cast aspersions upon your parentage, at worst you will suffer severe physical harm which may include castration. In the event, you use one these lines and the woman falls for it, run away there is something serverely wrong with her mentally.
For the ladies, if a man uses one of these lines on you, mace him immediately and then proceed to kick him when he is down. That type of man does not deserve any better. Unless you go for that type of man, then heaven help you both.
Without further ado the lines:
- Your daddy must be a terrorist because you’re da bomb.
- I must be sleepwalking because your the girl of my dreams.
- You must be tired because you’ve been running around in my head all day.
- You, me, the floor, right now.
- Your sure do smell purty. (I’ve heard this also being used)
- I’m lonely, can I be your friend.
- Someone tell God an angel is missing.
- I got one word for you baby, suckpump.
- Hello, I love you. Won’t you tell me your name?
- (Just stare at the girl and pant)
- Hey baby, I only have one leg. (think about this one)
- (If she steps on your foot) Watch it there, thats not my foot you stepped on
- (Say nothing but lick your eyebrows)(think about this one. too)
- I wish had a rubber glove to use as a condom so I can do you five times in a row.(I’ve actually heard this one used.)
- Anything from a “Bloodhound Gang” song
Disclaimer: For the wiseguys/gals out there, No I did not find that these line don’t work from firsthand experience.
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Dec 27
To all my friends to help you have a smooth and trouble-free with that special member of the priesthood in your life, here is:
Ten Things I Have Learned Never To Do In Presence Of Clergy (in no particular order, they all particularly bad results for you)
1.Do not initiate a group prayer while a clergy member is present, unless specifically told to do so by said member of the clergy, unless you are a higher ranking member of the priesthood.
2. Do not quote scripture at a priest.
3. Do not give milk chocolates to children in church on Friday as a reward for behaving during Bible Study (unless its during the fifty days)
4. When His Holiness, Pope and Patriarch and Archbishop of the great city of Alexandria, says do not open a door; you DO NOT open that door or be within 20 feet of the door for that matter.
4a. When asked by His Holiness, why did you open the door? Do not respond It wasn’t me, even if it wasn’t you!! (The proper response if you’re curious is I have sinned forgive me)
5. For deacons, if a priest is praying the liturgy quickly, do not take your time when you respond.
6. Do not pick or bypass locks in Church without the expressed consent of the priest. Also make sure you leave them in working order when you do so.
7. When giving a ride to a member of the clergy, do your best to avoid potholes, make sure the car will not break down, and the doors to the car will open when they are supposed to.
7a. Do not drive through sleazy parts of the city (i.e. those with a high number of adult establishments) because if you get stuck because of traffic, the car ride becomes awkward very quickly.
7b. Make sure you know where you are going.
8. Do not inadvertently call monks, monkeys; especially when speaking to one.
9. Always face the door when making a humorous comment about a member of the clergy for you never know when he is going to enter the room.
9a. Always look behind you before making said comment.
10. Do not pants (i.e. pulled down a persons pants) somebody while they walk down the hall with a priest.
Dishonorable mentions (these’ll only earn you a dirty look at worst)
Do not make flippant remarks to a priest when he is in a bad mood.
Do not give a member of the clergy, those super sour candies unless you make it absolutely clear its sour
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Dec 25
Bah humbug! All those who celebrate this bacchanalian parody of a religious feast day are welcome to it, but there is a reason the Lord blessed us with being Orthodox. We enjoy the benefit of all the major post-holiday sales and get to extend the holidays for an extra week. Oh and the fact that we can celebrate the day for its true and significant meaning without the hype and commercialization is a nice bonus.
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Dec 13
Through fasting and prayer, we can move mountains, cast out demons and perform countless wonders. Yet I’ve discovered you can fast and pray all you want but if you don’t study, you’ll fail your exam.
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Dec 12
Sayedna,
My wife beats me. The way I was raised never to raise your hand to a woman no matter the situation. I can’t talk to anybody about it because I am from a Saidi (Upper Egyptian) family. I am desperate. I am now at the point where I fear for my life. Please help me.
.
Your Grace,
Adam & Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden before committing sins and only wore clothes as a result of the shame caused by sin. So shouldn’t we as a part of repentence and confession walk around naked to show we are free of sin and the shame causes through confession?
Adam & Eve were naked in the Garden of Eden before committing sins and only wore clothes as a result of the shame caused by sin. So shouldn’t we as a part of repentence and confession walk around naked to show we are free of sin and the shame causes through confession?
.
Sayedna,
I Pray with metonias. Not only do I find it a helpful spiritual excercise but also an excellent physical workout. Should I do 3 sets of 10 repititions or should I max out. Also it concentrates on the lower body, should I alternate with possibly pull ups or another upper body exercise?
I Pray with metonias. Not only do I find it a helpful spiritual excercise but also an excellent physical workout. Should I do 3 sets of 10 repititions or should I max out. Also it concentrates on the lower body, should I alternate with possibly pull ups or another upper body exercise?
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Dec 05
There will come a day when copts not only steal clothing right off of clergy members for a “blessing” but will kidnap them. (I have dibs on the patriarch)
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Dec 03
“Now a certain man of the sons of the prophets said to his neighbor by the word of the Lord, ‘Strike me, please.’ And the man refused to strike him. Then he said to him, ‘Because you have not obeyed the voice of the Lord, surely, as soon as you depart from me, a lion shall kill you.’ And as soon as he left him, a lion found him and killed him.”
(1KINGS 20:35,36)
(1KINGS 20:35,36)
Moral:
To smack people in the head is to obey God’s word. In failing to obey this command of God’s, one risks a gruesome and painful death. So smack away, ye sons of God.
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Dec 02
Important Public Service Message Regarding Santa Claus:
There is a misconception that Santa is a jolly fat man in a red suit that cavorts with flying reindeer. In actuality Santa is not such a benign entity. He is a megalomaniacal despot bent on eventual world domination, not unlike the UNAbomber. He makes us believe, that he rides a sleigh pulled by flying reindeer and delivers toys to good boys and girls, by using nanotechnology, A.K.A. microscopic robots. What he does is manufactures tinsel containing these microscopic robots (and who has ever seen a christmas display without tinsel, think about it) and when the tinsel is touched or moved it releases thousands of these robots into the air. They are then inhaled and burrow through the avoeli and get into the blood stream. From the blood stream the eventually attach themselves to the brain stem. Once there, through controlled electrical discharges which he can control via radio signals which he can easily piggyback unto the worldwide GPS signals, he can make people buy things to give to others and give credit to a fat man who has a thing for midgets and reindeer, or other sorts of nonsense.
You might say that sounds harmless enough what does this have to do with world domination? I pose this question to you in reply, have you noticed christmas decorations have been going up and being put on sale earlier and earlier? It is at the point where the christmas stuff is around before the “back to school” stuff is. Also he use this system to make people do stupid things during the holidays such as drink eggnog ( its a raw egg milkshake for Christ’s sake). Also what happens if he one decides to lend out the system to the easter bunny!!!
Food for thought
Food for thought
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Not So Spiritual Words 