Water

Ekhristos Anesti ( or as the Militant Copt Reviewer would say “Ekhristos Aftonf and you will burn if you get the response wrong”) (I know its a few days late but the management was waylaid by some bad eggs probably laid by a chicken with poor morals but I digress)

Your Grace,
Recently we have observed that, when Abouna blesses the congregation with water during the end of service hymn, he has been taking drastic shortcuts, completely against the liturgical rites set forth by our fathers, St. Basil, St. Gregory, and St. Cyril. Our church is so big, that it takes hours to bless all the people in the traditional way. So, instead of taking a jug of water and throwing water with just his right hand, to improve efficiency, Abouna has asked a deacon to pour water into both his left and right hands, and throw water with both hands simultaneously, effectively doubling his coverage area. I didn’t think anything of it until recently he has been asking a 2nd deacon to bring a water bottle with him, and while throwing water with his hands, the deacon gives Abouna a swig of water spits water out of his mouth onto the people, essentially tripling his coverage area. Then, after a recent rotator cuff injury, Abouna had to resort to alternative measures. He purchased a Super Soaker water gun, and was able to bless the entire congregation in 2 min 15 sec flat. Then he upgraded to a fire hose, which he used until some unfortunate old lady was knock all the way across the church. Last week was the final draw when Abouna installed a sprinkler system in the roof of the church. He sprayed the entire congregation with a twist of a knob installed in the altar. Sayidna, maybe it’s me, but I just don’t feel the same blessing getting sprayed by a water gun or sprinkler system.

– submitted by e.w.i.